I don’t understand how people can narrow down all the important variables in a candidate into one particular issue. The single-narrow mindedness is maddening. There are a plethora of reasons to despise a politician. i.e…perpetuating the oppression of Cubans through our ridiculous embargo, non-involvement in Sudan, not being proactive in dispensing generic drugs to fight HIV in South Africa, not focusing on alternative energy sources like geothermal, tidal, or biomass fuel technology…and a hundred thousand other problems that need to be addressed.

Most jackasses can determine whom they will vote for simply by labeling the individual, “Pro-Life” or “Pro-Choice”. I’m not dismissing abortion as an insignificant matter. Personally, I’m not a big fan of it. However, that only pertains to the one I’m involved with and myself. I couldn’t care less what other individuals do. Does that make me an apathetic dick? Who knows?

Pro-Lifers say that every life is precious, and that you could be killing the next Mozart, Einstein, or Mother Teresa.

I see it differently.

Imagine if Mr. and Mrs. Hutt † had decided Planned Parenthood would have been a better choice instead giving life to their child. If they would have done that, the citizens of the desert planet of Tatooine wouldn’t have had to live their entire lives in fear because of one bloated, slug lord named Jabba. Obviously, he terrorized others because he was projecting his own insecurities caused by feelings of abandonment from his shitty parents. In addition, his self-esteem was non-existent due to his ongoing battle with his weight problem. Four bags of frogs and a couple of Jawas for lunch can’t be healthy. Jabba the Hutt’s life is precious?! He should have been aborted.

Granted, the original scene at Mos Eisley Cantina, where Han Solo blasted the bounty hunter, Greedo ‡, who was trying to collect♠ for the Abortion-Survivor, wouldn’t have taken place. Consequently, Luke and Obi-Wan wouldn’t have escaped on the Millennium Falcon which would have triggered a Butterfly Effect and the Death Star could still be fully operational to this day. However, that conflicts with my original hypothesis of killing Jabba at birth. Perhaps, Darth Vader should have been aborted. Unfortunately, Mr. Vader was formerly known as Anakin Skywalker. Which would have deleted Luke from the equation and he wouldn’t been able to fire his Proton Torpedoes down the exhaust shafts of the aforementioned Weapon of Mass Destruction. Quite the conundrum. In conclusion, I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

In 1839, anthropologist Samuel George Morton, father of American scientific racism†, wrote Crania Americana. He reported the mean cranial capacity of the skulls by races.

Whites

87 in³ (1,425 cm³)

Blacks

78 in³ (1,278 cm³)

Native Americans

82 in³ (1,344 cm³)

He claimed that the level of IQ is proportional to the size the brain.

Let’s assume Samuel “The Bigot” Morton was correct.

How could he explain the abnormally large skulls consistently found in different Native American tribes?

Almost every tribe had one skull that was 1600 cm³. He systematically deleted this data because it conflicted with his hypothesis that Whites were the supreme race.

My theory is that these massive Charlie Brown-like heads must have belonged to the chiefs of the tribes. Through pain-staking research with laboratory rats and brownies packed with marijuana and microdots, I came to the conclusion that the largest cranial capacity were produced by higher THC consumption. The chiefs were in charge of peace and peace came in the form of a four-foot bowl of weed and peyote.

Look at a one dollar bill. George was a hemp lover and his noggin was gigantic.

This your brain:



This is your brain on drugs:



†scientific racism racist propaganda disguised as science.

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

*********************************************************
I do not condone the misuse of the wonderful online community (which sounds like “gregslist.com“) established in San Francisco. However, this was a fun exercise in the world of make-believe. A tall, lanky, “friend” posted this on the aforementioned “gregslist“, and below are the actual responses.
*********************************************************

Rent: $1350

Looking for a Male or Female
No Pets
No Drugs (unless prescriptions, alcohol is fine)

A quaint bedroom in a five bedroom luxury townhouse
All the other bedrooms are unoccupied
Den with Fireplace, Library, and Home Theatre w/ Panasonic TH-65PHD7UY 65-IN. Plasma TV and state of the art Bang & Olufsen sound system
Home Office with Apple G5 w/ Flat Screen Monitor and Cable Modem.
(No access to any of these amenities)

Beautiful kitchen with marble floors, stainless steel countertops, and brand new appliances.
(Unfortunately, no cooking will be permitted)

Washer and dryer are located in the apartment. You will be allowed to utilize them, with the understanding, that your duty will be to wash all clothes (mine included) in the laundry room

The suite is very small in comparison to the other enormous, opulent rooms.
Dimensions are 5′x6′. No closets or windows.

Disclosure about myself:
I have a doctorate degree in Philosophy from Cornell

I have a Rottweiler (Sampson). He is my only friend in the world that I love (or trust for that matter)
He wouldn’t hurt a fly, unless someone tried to harm me or his favorite blanket.

I’m an extreme chain-smoker. I’ll deduct $50 off the rent if you agree to pick up a carton of cigarettes every week from Nat Sherman’s (42nd St and 5th Ave)

I’ve had writer’s block for ten years, and just need intelligent conversaations with a person who has original ideas not regurgitated opinions collected from all the books they have read.

If you feel this is the ideal setting for you email me at :
bengold401@hotmail.com

From: someone@aol.com
Sent: Saturday, December 4th, 2004
To: bengold401@hotmail.com
Subject: room

Your place sounds very interesting, I am giving consideration to your wonderful offer to pay $1350 a month to do something (I don’t think live is the right concept) in your closet space of 5′x6′ in between conversational and cigarette fetching duties. You not only have writer’s block, you have humanity block and reality block. Here’s a novel concept for you to consinder – sharing. Why advertise your plasma tv and new kitchen appliances if they can not be used. You sound like an arrogant, acquisitive egotist and feel sorry for the person stupid enough to pay you for this ridiculous arrangement.

(to be cont’d…waiting for more responses)

A few years ago I was standing in front of the iconic Bowery Poetry Club which is across the street from the infamous but now closed CBGB. I was smoking a cigarette with fellow performers and I confessed,
“Even though I’m not that religious, I feel a little guilty because I woke up this morning, masturbated and then realized it was Easter.” Before anyone could respond, a guy standing next to us started to mumble, “An erection, a resurrection…he had an erection on a resurrection…An erection, a resurrection…(repeat)”.

I would have normally dismissed the guy as a “normal”, crazy homeless guy but I noticed the marquee stating that Jim Carroll, the author of The Basketball Diaries, was performing in a half hour. So instead of walking away from him like my friends did, I approached him and offered him a cigarette. Next thing I now I’m listening to a personalized spoken word piece about my erection and Jesus. Groovy.

Wikipedia tells me Jim was born in 1950 but I was shocked to see how old he actually looked. I would say he was in between Zsa Zsa Gábor and the Crypt Keeper.

The government would save so much money on the War on Drugs if they just took Mr. Carroll on tour to high schools across America. All they would have to do is introduce him to the class and say, “You can do drugs but…” and make an awkward, cartoon-y side glance to Jim. Done.

Reply to: pers-111897821@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-17, 11:14AM EST

this may sound crazy but why not. you were 25 and telling jokes to prep the audience for the Naomi Judd show while we were waiting. Anyhow it was about a week or two ago on a friday. I was sitting in the corner with my mother who was coughing. I am a white, 32, and figured maybe if you read this would you want to go out on a date. You had a sense of humor which isn’t a very common thing for white guys in New York and you seemed nice. Actually most white guys in New York have a sense of humor only when they are whacked out on drugs and stuff.
this is in or around you were joking about still being in high school but your 25
no

– it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
111897821

The pharmaceutical company Hoffman-La Roche Inc. has created TAMIFLU (oseltamivir phosphate), a drug designed to combat the ominous Avian Flu which originated in Asia and has become a global threat.

Employees of Roche can’t wait to comeback to the U.S. after their mandated relocation to Mexico in the early 1990’s. The FDA had put a ban on their very popular Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) or known on the street as Roofies. Forcing college fraternities, Marines, lawyers, professional athletes, ravers, rappers, motorcycle gangs, used car salesmen and Mike Tyson to buy their beloved date-rape drug from dealers who had smuggled it over the borders.

TAMIFLU is a derivative of Rohypnol, it’s most affective when consumed by naïve, underaged individuals with Malibu® Coconut Rum and Orange Juice. It enables the patient’s white blood cells to sedate the influenza virus and rape them.