I Hate New Year’s Day

people

We are the only animals on the planet that celebrate it. It’s just an arbitrary point in space that we’ve invented. All we do is get drunk every time we go around the Sun. Weeee! (one year lapses) Yaaaay!! (365.25 days later) Happy New Year!!! We are eternally trapped in this boring cycle. Fuck that. [...]

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I’m famous because I can’t spell

technology

Out of 32,300 web pages, Googleâ„¢ ranks my site #1 for the key words, “Zimmerman Telegraph.” Check it out here I was impressed with my awesome web presence, but was saddened when I realized it’s spelled, “Zimmermann.” On the other hand, Googleâ„¢ can only find 13,500 pages with the correct spelling. I may have mispelled [...]

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The “Hunt”

food

I realized that I’ve actually never engaged in the actual pursuit of a woman. My last girlfriend was pre-arranged. My best friend was dating her best friend. They eliminated all the normal guesswork that is usually involved with the initial “let’s get to know each other before we have sex” ritual. We were briefed with [...]

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What does Falluja mean in Arabic?

politics

Falluja (or الفلوجة) is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation. INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains. Used in a sentence: Mother Dammit Billy, this better not be your falluja on the quilt your Grandmother made…I swear to God, you are buying the next bottle [...]

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Polysexuals

sexuality

I asked my buddy to borrow his laptop. At first, he was somewhat hesitant to lend it to me. I was slightly offended, then I realized he hadn’t cleared his “history trail” and was afraid that I was going to judge him. What kind of friend did he think that I was? I would never [...]

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