Teachings of Danocrates Allenopolos

Here’s what “The Internet” has to say about FlockOfMullets.com:

This site seems to be a German version of VH1’s Web Junk 2.0. Fast forward to the 2 minutes 8 seconds. Since it’s in German, I have no idea what is being said but I did understand “Flock of Mullets” and “Texas”.


AOL Video linked to a FOX News Mobile Video piece.

Here are some comments from various sites:

“Flock of Mullets is a website created by Dan Allen. Check it out, live the amazing hairstyles. You know you had one…I think its good that some of my lesbian friends have a website to go to where they can see that their hairstyle still rocks!”

“That is the weirdest sh*t i’ve seen in…erm…a day or 2…ha ha ha…..i knew that baby was gonna do something……”

“Jesus this is weird.”

“Some quality mulletage there!”

Let’s make this bigger than the bubonic plague:
DIGG it!

These are the sites that started it all:
neatorama.com, presurfer.blogspot.com, rusurfer.ru, nevena1.blogspot.com, redeyeblog.com, hypediss.com, timpers69.multiply.com, forums.pvkii.com, weirddaily.com, digital-forums.com, ehrensenf.de, duvet-dayz.com, plime.com

Thank you Joshua, Baron and HappyViper for helping me make this happen.

I completely forgot that when I was twelve years old that I swore my allegiance to Jesus. What jogged my memory?
When Christocrat John Hagee, pastor of the 17,000 member Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, TX, endorsed John McCain, it raised my Holy Spirit from the dead.

If you are unaware of what Hagee represents, here are some interesting articles: here and here.

To sum up his beliefs: Harry Potter is heresy, Dan Brown is a shadow writer for Satan, if Gays were snot then Hurricane Katrina was God’s Kleenex, wants Christians to bear arms and call a jihad against Iran and the Pope helped Hitler.

Amazingly, this is the church I attended from 1983 to 1987. My head was actucally dipped by his chubby, well-fed, manicured, decorated with diamond-cluster ringed fingers.

Wow. I hope the Muslims aren’t right and Allah doesn’t hold this against me. I was a only a child.

However, I know that excuse will not hold up because Hagee made sure that we were very cognitive of our decision to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour. The last thing he wanted of his congregation was to baptize their next generation like the ignorant Catholic sheeple. His followers must embrace a baptism like a rite of passage. He refused to baptize an infant.

When I was in the back, undressing and placing on my robe with the other un-saved heathen children I was very nervous. You could hear the murmur of the 3,000 members of the church sitting in their pew/stadium and the organist playing a solemn prelude as background music.

Hagee approached us as if we were at the Super Bowl. He barked in his signature cadence, “I refuse to baptize anyone who does accept the Grace of God. Do you all understand this!?”

“Yes!”, we said in unison.

“Do you except Jesus as your Lord and Saviour!?”, he yelled.

“Yes!”

“Say it!”

“We except Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour!”

I started to feel light-headed like we were a pack of Neanderthals getting ready to take down a saber-toothed tiger. I started to hyperventilate and I wasn’t the only one. It was infectious.

“Do you love Jesus?!” he bellowed.

“Yes!”

“Let me hear it!!”

“We love Jesus! We love Jesus!. We love Jesus!!”

“Now you have the Holy Spirit! Let us bring you to the congregation and save your souls at last!.”

At this point, I literally felt nauseous, I was overwhelmed. I vaguely remember what happened after that. I numbly followed the person in front of me. I remember the water being colder than I thought it would be. Thousands of people were on their feet, waving their hands and praising Jesus. He slapped his beefy hand on my forehead, placed his other hand on my back and then pushed me back into the water while holding my nose at the same time. The deafening roar of the congregation was silenced while I was purged of my “sins”. As I surfaced, I felt disoriented much like the thawing Han Solo after being carbon frozen by Jabba the Hut.

Again…if you [Allah] are reading this. Please take this into consideration. That goes for David Koresh, John Smith, the Jews’ mystery Messiah and anyone I’m leaving out.

I wish I wasn’t agnostic and commit to atheism. It would be so much more simple.

If you’ve never listen to Keith and the Girl’s podcast, you haven’t lived.

I met them through my friend Jesse Joyce. I asked to be on their show to defend myself from a previous podcast he was on. Jesse claims I’m being a pretentious douche when I say, “I’m going to get some sushi.” If you haven’t met Jesse, he’s a nice guy but mildly retarded.

They kindly invited me on their show and I had a great time.

My favorite line happens two and half minutes in:
“No…not “Happy Birthday”! No, not that! Please! No! NOT “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”!!!!”

Perhaps, this is why I’m not well. I still haven’t figured out why the cartoon is titled It’s Hummer Time.

Any ideas?

We are not sure what ¡Sacapuntas! means but we do know that we are hosting a fantastic show that blends polished comedians, erudite writers and downtown humorists who are sharpening their acts at our monthly showcase of heavy hitters in an intimate setting.

The first show is being kicked off by NYC’s greatest storyteller Tom Shillue, the fabulous VH1’s BestWeekEver blogger Michelle Collins, the always inventive, downtown favorite Patrick Borelli, the awesomeness of Andrés du Bouchet.

Thursday 9PM at The No. 43 Stage at Jimmy’s No 43 .

43 E. 7th Street (between 2nd and 3rd Avenue)

Seats are limited so please email to get on the list:
RSVP@SacapuntasShow.com

$5 in advance or $7 at the door

Come early to enjoy Jimmy 43’s Chef Phillip Kirchen-Clark’s great
local and organic menu . They also have a delightful wine, beer and appetizer selection.

Not to mention our Page Rank on Google for the keyword “sacapuntas” has meteorically risen to #5.

¡Hay Dios mio!

Basically, my body is the foreign film version of what I want to be. I weigh 165lbs which sounds fine but I’m 6′6″ (5′18″ or 4′30″) and I should weigh around 200lbs. I’ve accepted that I’m an ectomorph long ago and stop worrying about gaining weight once I heard that I had to consume 4,000 calories a day. Fuck that.

However, I think I’m going to GNC tomorrow to buy some protein powder. Why? Because a drunk “friend” of a friend said this to me, “Oh my God! You are sooo skinny! Did you lose weight since I last saw you? You look so…so…aw-switch-ee.”

I couldn’t make out that last word because she was so intoxicated. So I tried to clarify it by asking, “Did you mean ostrich-y like a bird?”

She slurred back, “No. I mean Auschwitz-y like Anne Frank.”

(Now a musical)

When I was in San Antonio this weekend, I rented a Porsche 911 at Alamo Rent A Car and the agent’s name was Lusitania.

Ironically, I was visiting my nephew Dresden who was born on Valentine’s Day and fortunately was not named after the Bombing of Dresden in WWII which coincidentally occurred in 1945 between February 13th and the 15th. I want to make him feel comfortable so I’m going to adopt some twins and name them Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

After thought: If you place quotation marks around the word ironic, would that be the equivalent of a double negative?

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

Not sure when I’ll be able to post again. The holoscreen said something about Thundera being unstable and that the planet is about to explode or some shit. WTF??! This sucks! I finally have a hot date this weekend. Awesome. The one shot I had to score and the universe decides to blow up my planet. I’ll be the only Thunderian who dies as a virgin. Jaga told us to pack tonight and that we are leaving at oh-dark thirty. I really hope we leave that stupidass, golden-boy Lion-O. What a queer! I honestly feel that he’s gay. I mean…nothing against gay people. I mean…I like Tygra and everything (although he hasn’t officially come out of the closet…we all know it). Back to Lion-O, the reason I think he’s gay is because he’s always trying to wrestle. It just gets weird sometime. Not to mention the way he stares me down when we have to shower together at school. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much or maybe he’s just envious of my package. It’s not my fault that he’s older and less endowed. He looks like he just got neutered. Anyways…I gotta log off. I don’t want to get yelled at by Ole Jaga-nut tomorrow morning.