Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.

How do I justify my addiction?

The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any negative impact on our future society and environment: employee healthcare, urban youth development, its stance on BGH hormones in cows, and recyclable paper products.

They make me feel like I’m saving the planet—one pint at a time.

What are the ingredients in my beloved Chunky Monkey©?

Pure and simple:
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Water, Sugar, Walnuts, Bananas, Egg Yolks, Coconut Oil, Cocoa, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Guar Gum, Natural Flavors, Milkfat, Soya Lecithin, Carrageenan

The cream and milk are fortified with vitamin D from a loving cow, the spring water is purified, the sugar is from raw sugar canes, the bananas are organic and crammed with potassium, protein-packed walnuts, and the the endorphin-inducing calcium chunks of all-natural milk chocolate are blended together into a frosty, mouth-savoring, bowl of nutritious delight.

Unfortunately, this “green”, organic, eco-friendly exterior is hiding a “black”, crude, glutton-making interior.

Each pint contains 1,200 calories and 40 grams of saturated fat, the equivalent of 32 slices of bacon.

If you ate one pint a day for a year, you would consume 500,393 calories or 3,336 hot dogs.

Theoretically, there are four servings in one pint. Yeah, fucking right! It is aptly named, Chunky Monkey©. I’ve got a sweet monkey on my back that I can’t shake.

At least, heroine is illegal. I can buy my drug at a Texaco and eat it while I’m driving.

And let’s not forget to mention the ozone-depleting methane produced by the thousands of cows needed, which leads to global warming.

Let’s hope that Mad Cow Disease doesn’t ever attack Ben & Jerry’s™ supply. Chubby insurgents will invade Canada’s dairy farms for uncontaminated milk. Deplete their stocks and ravenously scour the Earth for untainted cows. The bovine elixir will become the catalyst for World War III.

Ben & Jerry’s™ can take their “Save the Planet” motto and shove it up their drug-dealing, capitalistic asses.

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:38:32. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

I walked into a Food Lion® and bought a box of Marlboro Lights®, and the cashier asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The government feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want cancer.

After going through the legal department:

I walked into a place that sold assorted goods and bought a box of cylindrical tubes filled with a legally grown substance made by a company that is following the federal guidelines set forth to dissuade future consumers, and the customer service representative asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The people elected democratically by the mass population feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want to increase the probabilities of getting symptoms which seem very likely to be linked to a very unfortunate disease that affects a large amount of people in the United States. In closing, just one dollar from each one of you tonight could help the program to help Americans stop smoking. God Bless the USA!!

Originally posted 2004-09-20 18:53:03. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Hotel Clerk
Here’s your key, boy. Room 606. Don’t worry about a thing, we got plenty clean sheets.
If you know what I mean?

Originally posted 2004-06-01 15:10:13. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

I’m guessing THE PRINCE’s “hit me back” is implying: Since he feels it’s perfectly normal to hit a women if she gets out of line then she should feel free to “hit him back” if he does the same. He’s no hypocrite (respect).

Now the Sultan comment was much harder to unravel. At first glance I assumed that “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” was an exaggerated form of “Laugh Out Loud” because I know LOOL is “Laughing Outrageously Out Loud”. But then I realized that the Sultan wanted to emphasize the letter “O” because it actually represents the word “oligophrenia” which means “feeble-mindedness”. And ironically pluralizing the word “day” as “day’s”…a stroke of genius.

Touché, Sultan, touché or shall we say douché, douché?

I Googled the word “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” and got this feeble-minded racist forum:

Here’s the link

Originally posted 2007-05-03 19:59:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Ain’t no party like a Mercury party because a Mercury party don’t stop.

A lot of sex happens on Mercury. They should rename the planet Herpes, the Greek god of STDs.

The only planet that should be able to celebrate New Year’s is Pluto (especially now that its been downgraded to an ice chunk. How humiliating?). The reason I say the citizens of Pluto deserve a party is because they have a New Year’s every 250 years. When it does happen they don’t even know what to do. They have to read it in their Plutonian bibles.

Ezhekial 3:17

And the Lord mixed margaritas.

Imagine the mayhem that would ensue as the ball dropped. Plutonians would come out of their houses and stick syringes of heroin in their eyes and have sex with parakeets screaming, “Happy New Year!” Now thats a DVD I would buy. It would make the backstage of Motely Crew concert look like the Lilith Fair.

Originally posted 2006-08-26 17:24:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

But what about me, I still exist. Somehow through this tragic event, I have been deleted from everyone’s mind. Erased. Eradicated. Brainwashed out of Man’s hard drive.

Nine, eleven…nine, eleven…nine, eleven

Anything missing?

What happened to “ten”!

I use to be a “somebody”. The world revolved around me.

The Ten Commandments, “She’s a perfect ten”, “Hang ten”, “ten little indians”…for Christ’s sake the majority of Earth’s civilizations use a base-10 numbering system.

Now I feel invisible. A shadow. I know what Ashlee Simpson feels like at Thanksgiving, or Tito at Christmas. What have I done to deserve this? Am I not easily divisible? Do I not make multiplying a simple task? What the fuck more do you want from me?

I could understand if I was irrational or a transcendental number. They’re enigmas.

Who knows their purpose? I don’t.

I ran with that pack in college.

π, Φ the Golden Ratio, e the base of the Natural Log…they were all deadbeats out of they’re minds.

π was always tripping on acid and trying to convince me he was from outer space and that he helped everyone from the Egyptians build the pyramids to the Mayan temples. Give me a break.

The Golden Ratio was under the impression that he was the divine Renaissance number created by God himself. Φ was one self-righteous, ecclesiastical mother fucker.

The base of the Natural Log e seemed normal, until you started to talk about money. Compound this, compound that…he would get this diabolical look in his eye when you mentioned interest rates. He’d sell his mother’s lung if he could profit from it.

I’m a rational number. A whole number.

God damn you all!

It’s nine,

eleven!

Originally posted 2006-09-11 08:37:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Here’s one act that didn’t suck: Endangered Species Act of 1973

Since it was the groovy-peace-love-and-microdot 70’s, the act was passed by Congress with overwhelming majorities. In the House of Representatives, the vote in favor of the bill was 390-12 and in the Senate, it was 92-0.

My question is: Who were the twelve Representatives that had the panda-hating-tree-chopping-balls-soaked-in-crude-oil to vote against it?

Originally posted 2007-09-21 17:22:17. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Name-throwing? What the fuck is that? I’ve heard of name-dropping, but I’ve never heard of a name-throwing. A name-thrower sounds like a weapon used in Viet Nam.

Originally posted 2006-01-16 17:46:08. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

A
acceleration (a)

S
displacement/distance (s)

H
height (h)

If Newton’s Second Law states: Force equals mass times acceleration (F=ma),

then
m × a = Force

Displacement and height are lengths. If you multiply two lengths together, you would create a surface area.

s × h = Surface Area
So,

(m × a)(s × h) = Force × Surface area

Force × Surface Area = Pressure

pres·sure
n.
Force applied uniformly over a surface, measured as force per unit of area.

mash
n.
A crushing or grinding

Tasmanian devils have 300 pounds per square inch of bite.

I must remind readers that I was a virgin until I was 21

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:21:49. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

The terms Eskimo and Husky have become officially politically incorrect for the indigenous people in the north.

The word Eskimo was derived from the French word Esquimaux which literally means “flesh eaters”.

Inuit is the preferred name of the handful of surviving inhabitants who were desecrated by Europeans from the 1800s through the 1900s.

However, Inuit is plural and should not be used to describe an individual.

For example…
“He is Inuit” would translate as “He is Blacks.”"

I’m guessing Inuitian would be the proper adjective. My roommate invented Inuii. Who knows? You can never be 100% compliant.

I love when I hear right-minded people condescendingly correct others who utter the “E” word and tell them the appropriate expression is Inuit Indian. Their enlightened racial-awareness is negated by their dim-witted ignorance about Native Americans.

Furthermore, America was named for an Italian merchant named Amerigo Vespucci. We were one word away from becoming Vespuccians.

God Bless Vespukia!

Originally posted 2004-11-29 22:19:08. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:45:49. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Originally posted 2007-07-18 08:05:52. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

I believe the episode below explains everything.



Unfortunately, YouTube yanked this Good Times clip. It was the episode about Penny (Janet Jackson) getting burned by her mother with an iron. The new and improve YouTube is going to suck if they keep censoring like this.

Someone should contact Social Services and report Mr. and Mrs. Charles. Obviously, “New York” has been mentally abused, but at least her crazy-ass mother hasn’t physically scarred her.

Originally posted 2006-10-02 13:08:59. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

I had to endure three light changes, and then drive around to find a legal parking spot. I must note, several hundred cars and trucks were blasting their horns at my incompetence and shitty 90’ Honda Accord. Of course, it was MY fault. I ingeniously pierced a pinhole in one of my radiator hoses which released all the contents of my radiator at a furious rate. Yes, I agree with all of them, I’m the asshole. I purposely sabotaged the coolant system, knowing full well the chain of events that would lead to this dubious occurrence. Hee hee…I win! Fuck everyone! My little ploy will disrupt so many lives.

My proficiency level of auto repair is on par with Richard Simmons before he came out of the closet. I can fake it. Basically, I can act somewhat knowledgeable in front of mechanics, so my bank account is not entirely depleted. Unfortunately, that only works with mechanics I know. Not in Brooklyn, north of Coney Island known as Russian Mafia Land. The only Russian I know is, “U tebya krasivie glaza.” Which I am told means, “You have beautiful eyes.” Not a big bargaining chip in repair shops. I had to walk ten blocks to find a ratty little gas station with a hand written sign that said, “CASH ONLY”. It was the only shop in a five mile radius. I went inside, and figured out who was the kingpin.

Originally posted 2004-11-14 23:46:36. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

seasonal affective disorder
n. (Abbr. SAD)
A form of depression occurring at certain seasons of the year, especially when the individual has less exposure to sunlight.

“It’s sooo cold and I’m sooo sad…blah, blah, blah (boo hoo)”

If they’re so sad because they need sunshine, why don’t they move down south or buy a fucking heat lamp. Of course they’re sad, their doctor tells them, “You have SAD.” They tell all their friends, “I have SAD.” They’re going to be fucking sad. The logical solution to the problem is to rename the “disorder” HAPPY which would be the acronym for Hypochondriacs are Perpetually Pathetic, Yes?

Originally posted 2006-06-28 12:39:41. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

When she comes back from the gym after a long run, somehow her ancestral, Middle-Eastern/European perspiration overpowers it.

I believe she has the pH balance of an ogre.

Originally posted 2005-12-10 16:57:51. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

Originally posted 2005-03-31 13:41:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

Originally posted 2008-02-14 13:57:06. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

SUBTEXT TRANSLATION:
“I have no fucking clue!”

New York City is by far the best city to live in as long as you never make a mistake. (ie forget to pay the meter, park in front of a fire hydrant, neglect a parking ticket, smoke indoors, run out of gas in a tunnel, drop/lose your cell phone, lose your unlimited MetroCard, etc…)
People here pride themselves by thinking of everything to avoid suffering the consequences.

When my hard drive died and wiped out all my critical data, I seeked comfort from my friends. My fellow New Yorkers pretended to empathize with my loss by saying,
“Oh my God, that’s horrible, but you backed up? Right?”

SUBTEXT TRANSLATION:
“If you didn’t back up, you’re retarded and deserve it.”

I could only imagine what they would think in a few decades when I tell them my child dies.

“Oh my God, that’s horrible, but you had Patrick’s DNA cloned when he was a baby? Right?”

Originally posted 2005-02-16 17:10:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Originally posted 2006-03-05 18:56:22. Republished by Old Post Promoter.