Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.

The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big Bird a benefit show to pay for the procedure. Click here for tickets.

It’s about a busboy named Enrique who is blown by a waitress whose father is a chiropractor of a women who just bought an autographed DVD of Footloose off of eBay™ from a guy in Phoenix who was actually blown by Kevin Bacon.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

I forgot to mention that when I was performing at The Baltimore Comedy Factory, they had come up with a wonderful idea to sell out all six shows.

$15 cover includes All You Can Drink!…and comedians

We became an Alcoholic Magnet, which attracted every thirsty local with an affinity for whiskey. A lot of XXX-L NFL jerseys, large silver medallions, and throat tattoos. I counted four tear drops on one fellow and was amazed at the intricate spider web tattoo on another. It appeared that a prison was having a field trip of some kind, and we were responsible of the entertainment.

I felt like Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison, except nerdier and without the respect that Johnny exuded.

Fortunately, the headliner (Will Marfori) and I were able to tame the mob for 83% of the shows. The final show on Saturday at 11pm had the feel of a live Jerry Springer taping.

Immediately when I walked on stage, Dan Tracey, the manager and booker of the club, was tactfully informing a couple to be quiet so others could enjoy the show.

The liquored-up “lady” responded by pushing Dan and screamed, “You’re nothing, but a big fat pussy!!”

Dan continued to stay calm and tried to escort the “lady” out of the club. Mind you, this all transpired in front of the stage. I commented the entire time, trying to distract the crowd, which was impossible to do.

Once Dan placed his hand on the “lady”, her dirt-bag husband ran to her “rescue”. Even though she was the attacker, and Dan was protecting his vital areas.

Sir Whitetrash-a-lot ran forth to defend his maiden, and yelled in a rural twang, “Get your damn hands off my wife!”

Thank The Creator that the bouncer, Alabama, a 350 lb dude with dreadlocks, didn’t call in sick that night. He heard the battle cry from Sir Douchebag, responded by opening his arms like he was going to be crucified and ran into the party of three with full force.

Momentum equals mass times velocity.

Alabama generated a tremendous amount of momentum!

He easily cleaned up the scuffle, and pushed them out the door, which was about 15 yards away stage right.

All of that took place in course of about 2-3 minutes. It was surreal. A mind-bending reality created by uneducated humans who consume too much alcohol.

The greatest part was that I still had to perform for 25 more minutes to these people. They will surely love my poetry, D&D references, and math jokes. Good times!

I love being a comedian. It actually was fun for the first ten minutes, but then I became a fireman. Dousing out verbal fires with venomous lashings, I didn’t know I housed such rage.

I had one moment of lucidity, and was aware that at one point I was screaming, “Shut the fuck up, and listen to me, you fucks!”

Ironically, people still approached me after the show and said they enjoyed it.

I pray to the comedy gods, that I will someday be able to consistently perform in front of theatres of alcohol-free audiences.

I am a vegan

Pure, Organic
Meek, Malnourished

Chickpeas are my meat pellets

Tofu is my life

The art of vegetarianism is pacifism between furry organisms

A Denny’s Grand Slam is a dinner of Death!

Two slices of pig skin, a couple chicken fetuses

Sunny-side up and side of toast…please



A carton of eggs is not what I see

Twelve homemade coffins for under two bucks

Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O…and on this farm he had a chicken…

…but that doesn’t matter anymore, because an Egg McMuffin is much more important than a chicken well versed in Euclidean geometry. The poultry populous is eternally damned .

Mortally assassinated.
Painfully annihilated.
Pathetically depopulated.

Kill the chicken…kill…kill the chicken!

But I digress

I must confess

My body yearns for bacon

My head is throbbing

I must give in

To my paganistic, carnivorous desire of flesh

Give me some bacon and let the pig bleed!

When I was in Virginia, I drove by a Friendly’s® restaurant and noticed that the marquee claimed, “Free Happy Ending Sundae with Every Entree”.

My Uncle Ed was in the Marines and had told me as a teenager that happy endings was code word for oral pleasure at a massage parlor.

The temptation was too great to pass up. I went in and looked for the hottest waitress in the place. Not an easy thing to do in Leesburg, Virginia on a Sunday. I found one that looked like Flo from Mel’s Diner except a little plumper and not as sexy. Her name was Rose.

I ordered a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich and an iced tea. While smacking her gum, she scribbled, B-C-H-I-X and a happy face on her writing pad, winked at me, and said, “Comin’ right up, sugar.”

My face turned red with embarrassment. I felt like I was an eighteen year old GI from WWII in front of an aging prostitute.

Rose brought out the sandwich and the ice tea. She smiled and said, “Pumpkin, lemme know when yer done, so I can bring you yer dessert.” I felt awkward looking at her fifty year old, apple ass swish back and forth like a cat’s tail.

I ate my meal, made eye contact with her, and beckoned her over.

I coyly said, “I guess, I’ll have my happy ending now.”

Rose disappeared into the kitchen, and came out with a serving tray with a sundae on it. She cleared my plate and placed my complimentary dessert in front of me. Confused, I ate it.

When I was done, she asked me, “Do you want anything else, sugarplum?”

She pointed at my empty bowl and my chest region in a circular motion and said, “Do you want me to clean this up?”

That’s when I got it.

The secret password wasn’t happy ending it was clean this up. So I put my hands behind head and said, “Yes, I would love for you to clean this up.”

Rose said, “Sure thing, sweetie”, and she clapped her hands together and yelled out, “Enrique, can you clean this up?”

Morale of the story:
If you want a great chicken sandwich and love being blown by a Mexican, go to Friendly’s®.

“I have a golden retriever named Angel who, to me, really is made of gold. Angel and I live together like sisters in an amparment that only I pay for. I am a model who doesn’t believe that beauty can be seen by one’s eyes. I think it is possible that even a blind person can say someone is beautifl and not be copying another. I am currently dating another model, Tony. We have a relationship I am so joyous to be part of. He is making plans to move in. we have alot in common. We both believe in inner beauty more than outter and have dogs. That’s how we met. I was taking Angel for a walk in the park and his male golden retriever ran up to Angel. It was love at first sniff to them…And love at first sight for us.”

Really digest every line. I’ll dissect it tomorrow. Enjoy!

There are only a 1,000 comedians living in NYC out of the 8 million people in the five boroughs. That means we each get 8,000 a piece. Personally, I only want 1,000 True Fans.

Why only 1,000? Here’s a quote from Kevin Kelly, the founder of Wired,

A creator, such as an artist, musician, photographer, craftsperson, performer, animator, designer, videomaker, or author – in other words, anyone producing works of art – needs to acquire only 1,000 True Fans to make a living.

I highly recommend everyone produce a monthly show instead of a weekly or bi-monthly/bi-weekly (what do they even mean?).

Pick a specific day of the week and time (ie…Third Thursday @ 8pm) and stick with it.

Define a hook and/or theme for the show and then name the show. (Great examples…The Liar Show, Stripped Stories, Dream Role, The Rejection Show, Moonwork’s Evenings of Original Works, etc…). For SACAPUNTAS!, we invite one comedian, one storyteller, one TV writer and one celebrity guest.

Find a venue that is receptive to your idea. If this is your first show and you are unsure of how many people you can draw, find a place that looks packed with 30 people. I find the best deal is when the owner of the venue agrees to give you the door and has a bar minimum that your are required to meet. If that requirement isn’t met, you owe the difference.

Book your acts. Honestly, living in NYC this is the easiest part. We are surrounded by incredibly talented performers. For the longevity of the show and your sanity, it would be wise to find a non-performing person to assist you in booking and promote the show (social media, mailing list and emailing the press). Three shows that have an unseen brain child behind it are: Whiplash, Tell Your Friends and Comedy Below Canal.

Obtain and learn Photoshop

If you feel confident, then design a logo and poster. If not, hire a designer. Obviously, I’m partial to my SuperMango Media designers. Email me and I can connect you to the perfect fit for your show.

Design and print postcards branded with the logo and broadcast the aforementioned “Second Thursday @ 8PM)

If you are going to print postcards (optional), I would suggest: 4over4.com

Create a website utilizing WordPress. If you don’t have a host company, I suggest BlueHost. They have one click WordPress installs with SimpleScript. Hands down the best theme to use is Chris Pearson’s premium theme Thesis. If it’s too overwhelming, hire someone.

Create a Facebook Group and/or Page
Here’s a video tutorial

Hire a photographer or ask a friend of the show with a kick ass camera to come to every show. Be sure to upload the photos into your Facebook Group/Page.

Create a mailing list and open an account with MailChimp. Be selective on who you put on the list. Be considerate and allow people to unsubscribe. Don’t judge. There are only a 1,000 of us but that’s a lot of newsletters flooding our inboxes.

Charge a cover charge. $5-$15 (Obviously more for a non-profit). Create and account on: EventBrite. Create an event with an online discount code to encourage people to pre-pay. Research affiliate codes as well. Be sure to compensate the performers for their time and talent.

Research Facebook advertising (you may want to spend $1/day). Learn the difference between CPC and CPI

Write a catchy little blurb (less is more)

Send out your blurb to various blogs and publications:
AM NY, Metro, L Magazine, TimeOut NY, etc…

It generally takes about 4-6 hours. If it seems too daunting, I have a wonderful person that will send it out to 30+ sites and publications for $125.

SUPPLIES:

Promise your mailing list that you will only send two emails (3 weeks out and 1 day before). Be sure to stick to that rule. Your goal should be to only send out one email or in a Utopian world…none.

Your role as the producer is to build trust between your audience and your show. You have to consistently provide a funny show that is different every single time they attend. At the same time, you have to build trust between the performers and your show. They need to know that every time they perform on your show it’s going to be fun and productive. I’m “stealing” that idea from a podcast interview my friend Jon Fisch and I had with the The Comedy Studio owner/booker in Cambridge. For a show to last, you need to create a show that draws people to it because of you and your hook not because of the performers you have on the show.

On that note, “stealing” reminds me of this Jim Jarmusch quote:

Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) with be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable: originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery-celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case remember Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from-it’s where you take them to.

As always, be nice, be funny and be everywhere. ^TM

Euclid, Euler, and Pythagoras were just a few of the founding fathers, who laid the foundation for future mathematicians. Cumulatively throughout history, these geniuses and many others have discovered the wonders of mathematics.

Astrophysicists pursue the origin of our universe, biologists keep decoding DNA, chemists are determined to find the perfect compound, but mathematicians have exhausted all avenues of their field and have to invent “numbers” to continue.

Real Numbers, Unreal Numbers, Transcendental Numbers, Imaginary Numbers, Surreal Numbers, Supernatural Number…etc

This trend of contrived innovation will only lead to the death of math as we know it.

Below is a snapshot of the future sets of numbers:

Philosophical Numbers
numbers that are based on a system of philosophy

Anarchistic Numbers
numbers in a constant state of disorder

Mythical Numbers
fictional numbers that exist in myths
Mythical Numbers would be used to determine the mortality rate of unicorns, calculate the weight of the Loch Ness monster or the population of Atlantis

Blithe Numbers
numbers that exist purely for no reason

Satanic Numbers
numbers that conjure demons

Doppelganger Numbers
numbers that pretend to be other numbers
Doppelganger Numbers are also known as Transnumerical Numbers or “Trannys”. You will find these “Tranny” Numbers used by Thai or Brazilian mathematicians.

STD Numbers
numbers that are infected through the commutative process

…then pedestrians are people who ride children.

Furthermore, if octopus means “eight-legged” and Oedipus means “swollen foot” shouldn’t an iPod be called an iPus.

I like to say, “My pet ant is a homosexual with a learning disablity”.

…but since I grew up as one I still feel awkward when people use the Lord’s name in vain.

So whenever I hear someone yell out, “Jesus Christ!!”

My brainwashed mind automatically amends what I hear by adding,

“Jesus Christ…was a real cool dude.”

Obviously, I do this secretly without losing street cred with my atheist and agnostic friends.

Although its one of the Ten Commandments, Christians seem to be the biggest offenders.

Recently, I was getting my oil change and the mechanic had a gold cross on a chain around his neck and a Footprints in the Sand poster on the wall. He accidentily bumped his head on the hood and screamed out,

“Jesus fucking Christ!!”

I was having a hard time morphing it into a positive statement. Then I realized it wasn’t so bad. Jesus is Christ and Christ is Jesus. So he really was just saying, “Jesus is masturbating” only incredibly loud. That’s not that horrible, unless of course you’re Catholic.

Then I imagined Jesus masturbating on Easter, and these five words resonated in my head:

A resurrection of an erection.

I wonder if laser light technicians are scared by jazzy PowerPoint presentations?

Albeit, “sometimes” is every thirty years.

Here’s one act that didn’t suck: Endangered Species Act of 1973

Since it was the groovy-peace-love-and-microdot 70′s, the act was passed by Congress with overwhelming majorities. In the House of Representatives, the vote in favor of the bill was 390-12 and in the Senate, it was 92-0.

My question is: Who were the twelve Representatives that had the panda-hating-tree-chopping-balls-soaked-in-crude-oil to vote against it?

Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.

The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big Bird a benefit show to pay for the procedure. Click here for tickets.

I read in the NY Times that Sprint® and Nextel® have merged into one company worth 71 billion dollars. I can’t think of two shittier wireless services.Nextel® + Sprint® = Shit²

Next week we are going to read that Pabst Blue Ribbon® is combining with Old Natural Light® to produce the perfect brew.
SATISFIED COUNTRY BUMPKIN
Mmmm…mmmm…aahhh…This Old Blue Ribbon Light® is goddamn perfection.

I don’t know what’s harder to believe.

The existence of Santa Claus or that Jesus’s heart pumps Welch’s Grape Juice through his body.

…I want to master digital necromancy. Who cares if you can Photoshop? I will be able to resurrect my dead computer into a zombie computer.