I realized that I’ve actually never engaged in the actual pursuit of a woman. My last girlfriend was pre-arranged. My best friend was dating her best friend. They eliminated all the normal guesswork that is usually involved with the initial “let’s get to know each other before we have sex” ritual. We were briefed with the same information about each other: recently single, intelligent, funny, disease and drug free, and looking to break our six-month bout of celibacy. Essentially, we were handed to each other on platters. There was no “hunt”. My friends knew what our particular tastes were and took the liberty to order the food and deliver it to our door. Take-outs are convenient, but there is something to be said about catching and preparing your own food.

Before her, I was pressed to go on a blind date by a stranger who had seen me perform and thought her roommate would be perfect for me. She described her as tall, beautiful, artistic, and athletic. Fortunately, she was very attractive and we seemed compatible on certain levels but that was purely coincidental. It felt analogous to a random person coming up to you and assessing your epicurean needs by their intuition alone. How would you feel if someone was talking to you and felt they had enough information about you to invite you to dinner but neglected to tell you what was going to be served. They only described it as delicious. Which is fine, but certain things have to be taken into consideration. Prior to dinner, you should know about food allergies, vegetarianism, lactose intolerance, kosher… etc. All this could have been discovered in the normal “hunting” process. In a blind date, the food is served in a sealed platter like a secret prize on Let’s Make a Deal from Monty Hall. You don’t know what you are going to eat until you uncover the lid.

I’m afraid if I keep getting use to people bringing food to me, I won’t know how to catch my own food. I’ll keep getting older and my taste will diminish. Now I will only eat carefully prepared meal, soon it will be meals-ready-to-eat, then canned foods, and when I reach forty I’ll settle for beef jerky.

The “hunt” is important. I just have to decide want I want to “hunt”. Some people like to go deep-sea fishing. Others enjoy big game. Personally, I like unicorns. They’re not easy to catch but if you do the pay-off is delightful. You haven’t lived until you have eaten unicorn tenderloin. Bon Apetit!

I find myself telling people, “See ya, I’ll text you later.”

But I’m having trouble conjugating the new word in the past tense.

EXAMPLE:
“What happen last night? I texted you last night.”

I feel like an idiot when I say, “texted”.

We need to come up with another word to describe the act of sending a text message.

Suggestions?

I just watched a commercial showing women seductively inhaling different forms of aluminum (tin foil, fences, a baseball bat, etc ). I guess the makers of AXE deodorant are implying that since their product is housed in an aluminum can that it produces a potent sexual elixir that simulates the pheromones that attract females.

At first, I dismissed this as advertising rubbish, but then I remembered a valuable tid bit of information I learned from my 10^th grade chemistry teacher, Mr. Wedig. He asked the class if anyone sniffed paint. Everyone said, “No”. He seemed disappointed. He then proceeded to tell the class that if they ever wanted to start sniffing paint and get really high, they should exclusively inhale aluminum-based paint. The reason being that the body mistakes aluminum ions (Al3+) for iron ions (Fe3+). The chemical reaction is euphoric. A hallucinogenic wonderland provided by a paper bag , a can of Krylon, and your red blood cells. Of course, eventually you would get jaundice, impotency, and color-blindness, but these trivial side effects would be negated by the unparalleled, iron-deficient, aluminum ecstasy. So perhaps the AXE commercials aren’t so misleading after all.

There was a lot of sexual tension between Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia when they first met. It’s a good thing Yoda told Luke that Leia was his fraternal twin sister before he had died.

Who could imagine the birth defects of child produced by two Jedi twins.

2-1B MEDICAL DROID
His midi-clorians level is off the charts, over 21,000. Unfortunately, he also has an extra chromosome.

LEIA
What does that mean, Two Onebee?

2-1B
It means he has the innate ability to use the Force, but will have Down’s Syndrome as well.

LUKE and LEIA
NOOOOOO!

LEIA
Oh, Luke! What are we going to do?

R2-D2
(whirrrr-chirp-whistle-beeeeep-beep-whistle-blip-whirr)

C3-PO
Behave R2, it isn’t polite to call Master Skywalker’s son a retarded Jedi.

HAN
(smirks)Polite? This is history in the making. R2’s right. You’re son is going to be the first retarded Jedi.

LEIA
You’re an asshole, Solo!

HAN
Hey! Your Holy Highness of the Universe, if you would have fallen for me and not Golden Boy, you two wouldn’t be in this mess.

LUKE
Cool it, Han! I won her—fair and square.

HAN
Won her?! I don’t how things work on a moisture farm, but “sisters” are off limits where I come from…no matter how hot she is. Wookies do it, but their animals.

CHEWBACCA
ARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!

HAN

Shut up ya big baby, stop acting like an overstuffed Ewok.

CHEWBACCA
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

HAN
Now you’re acting retarded.

LUKE
Stop saying, “Retarded.”

HAN
Why, because your son’s retar…

Fifteen years later (15 A.B.Y.)
Coruscant, capital of the New Republic
Jar-Jar Binks High School
Locker Room

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

Burger King® has some sort of weird chicken costume fetish.

These commands worked: punch, slap, sleep, sit, burn, hug, kiss, kick, fuck, and beg.

Burger Kinky®

Enjoy?
Leave a comment if other commands work.

…but since I grew up as one I still feel awkward when people use the Lord’s name in vain.

So whenever I hear someone yell out, “Jesus Christ!!”

My brainwashed mind automatically amends what I hear by adding,

“Jesus Christ…was a real cool dude.”

Obviously, I do this secretly without losing street cred with my atheist and agnostic friends.

Although its one of the Ten Commandments, Christians seem to be the biggest offenders.

Recently, I was getting my oil change and the mechanic had a gold cross on a chain around his neck and a Footprints in the Sand poster on the wall. He accidentily bumped his head on the hood and screamed out,

“Jesus fucking Christ!!”

I was having a hard time morphing it into a positive statement. Then I realized it wasn’t so bad. Jesus is Christ and Christ is Jesus. So he really was just saying, “Jesus is masturbating” only incredibly loud. That’s not that horrible, unless of course you’re Catholic.

Then I imagined Jesus masturbating on Easter, and these five words resonated in my head:

A resurrection of an erection.

I received that idiotic mass email about Obama (Re: Fw: FW: [Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama) and I mass responded debunking the “facts”, cut and paste pro-Obama material and cc’ed everyone whose inbox was involuntarily raped by this slanderous list of lies about OB.

Then I got an email from a “lady” named Maggie.

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Re: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama
From: “Maggie” < ??????@centurytel.com>
Date: Tue, February 05, 2008 6:21 pm
To: “Dan Allen”

I do not know you and do not appreciate receiving this email.
If you are embarrassed by showing your US passport while going to different countries, then perhaps you should stay in one of those other countries.
I will put your email address in my “do not accept” file.

Proud to be an American.

Here’s my response:

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama
From: “Dan Allen”
Date: Tue, February 05, 2008 6:23 pm
To: “Maggie” < ??????@centurytel.com>

Wow.

You are right. I don’t know you and I’m glad I don’t.

As for “proud to be an American”, really? When is the last time you traveled abroad?

As for my patriotism, I served in the USAF, my father was drafted for Vietnam, his father was drafted for WWII and served under Patton during the Battle of the Bulge. In fact, I can trace my family all the way back to the Revolutionary War.

That’s just my father’s side.

My only advice to you is: Read more.

As much as my email offended you. I felt the same receiving that idiotic Obama email.

I’m not saying you sent it to me but I wanted to make sure that all the people that received it have a chance to see it from a different perspective.

I’m sure you will not read this and the this will go directly to your “do not accept” file. You have been single-narrowed minded your entire life. Why would you change now?

Not proud to be an American (for now),
Dan

I felt is was my obligation as an American to send this to my friend Michael at WorstEmailEver.com

And now this:

My friend Christian turned me onto this long ago and I believe he discovered it through our friend Victor. Thank you, Victor, for this gem.

Enjoy and God Bless America!

Some people claim that animals do not have feelings or emotions. With that said, I was surprised to see a group of pigeons mourning the death of an avian comrade. I’m normally apathetic to the plight of the bird nicknamed, “Rat With Wings”. Although, this very somber scene tugged on my heart strings and I got a little emotional. It was obvious that one pigeon (probably his wife or God forbid his mother) at this impromptu “funeral” was deeply affected. She seemed to be grieving and giving the eulogy. I didn’t want to intrude and disturb their holy moment. However, I wanted to get closer and pay my respects.

Unfortunately, I realized that they weren’t “mourning”. They were eating him. A unexpected Thanksgiving celebration. Those dirty, little, heartless bastards.

If you ever encounter anyone who lacks emotion, labeling them cold-hearted would not be sufficient. Be more specific.
“You sir, have the ruthless heart of a pigeon!”

I am a futon

Bare

Unsoothing

A studio staple

A bypolar byproduct of urban convenience

Some people love mattresses

Some people love couches

I go both ways

Give me your back

And I will fuck you up for days

Humans would die without Oxygen.

Our brains would cease to operate if we stopped breathing it, our bodies would be devoured by skin cancer if the ozone layer (O3) dissipated , and lets not forget that H2O is the elixir of life.

Now if you add one itty bitty oxygen molecule to dihydrogen monoxide (aka…Water) you have H2O2 which everyone knows as hydrogen peroxide.

Every household in America has a brown bottle full of this bacteria-fighting, bleaching water-like fluid in their medicine cabinet.

The pharmacies only peddle the commercial version in an extremely diluted form, only three percent of the bottle is actually hydrogen peroxide.

Little does the public know that this potent potion in its full industrial form is used as rocket fuel and causes cancer. In fact, the Russian submarine Kursk tragedy was caused by leakage of hydrogen peroxide.

I truly don’t understand chemistry.

Humans need water.

Humans need air.

Yet, in our universe :: Water + Air = Death?

Geeks will argue that “Air” is not entirely Oxygen. It is composed of 80% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen.

That is true.

However, my nerdy little Avogrado-lovers…Pure Oxygen is extremely dangerous and flammable.

We have been abused by this manipulative molecule since The Big Bang.

He has broken our spirit. We fear his wrath, but are dependent upon him.

Oxygen is Ike and we are Tina. Fuck you, Oxygen!

I can’t wait until we evolve into another species.

I would rather breathe ammonia than live with this abusive bastard.

The terms Eskimo and Husky have become officially politically incorrect for the indigenous people in the north.

The word Eskimo was derived from the French word Esquimaux which literally means “flesh eaters”.

Inuit is the preferred name of the handful of surviving inhabitants who were desecrated by Europeans from the 1800s through the 1900s.

However, Inuit is plural and should not be used to describe an individual.

For example…
“He is Inuit” would translate as “He is Blacks.”"

I’m guessing Inuitian would be the proper adjective. My roommate invented Inuii. Who knows? You can never be 100% compliant.

I love when I hear right-minded people condescendingly correct others who utter the “E” word and tell them the appropriate expression is Inuit Indian. Their enlightened racial-awareness is negated by their dim-witted ignorance about Native Americans.

Furthermore, America was named for an Italian merchant named Amerigo Vespucci. We were one word away from becoming Vespuccians.

God Bless Vespukia!

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Zimmerman Telegraph Interception in WWI

A forgotten fact about WWI is the interception of the Zimmerman Telegraph. Germany wanted to divert the US away from the war overseas. So their Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmerman instructed the German ambassador Heinrich von Eckardt via a telegram to convince Mexico to attack the United States.

It was VERY tempting for the Mexican president, Venustiano Carranza. Obviously, Mexico was still pissed off from losing Texas after decimating their army of 186 men at the Battle of the Alamo. But wisely they decided to stay neutral.

The last thing the citizens of Mexico wanted to do was to empower Texans with the right to legally kill Mexicans.

In recent news, the Minutemen of Texas have convinced themselves that during Saddam’s reign, the Prime Minister of Iraq, Iyad Allawi e-mailed the Mexican government to attack Texas.

They refer to it as the “Allawi E-mail Interception.”

CLIFFORD WORLEY(played by Dennis Hopper):So you’re a Sicilian, huh? You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find that shit fascinating. In fact, I don’t know if you know this or not, Sicilians were spawned by Gargemel the Wizard. It’s a fact. Sicilians have Smurf blood pumpin’ through their hearts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are Smurfs. Way back then, Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But, once the Moors moved in there, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin’ with the Sicilian women, they changed the blood-line for ever, from blond hair and blue eyes to white hats and blue skin. I find it absolutely amazing to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, Sicilians still carry that Smurf gene. I’m just quotin’ history. It’s a fact. It’s written. Your ancestors were Smurfs. Your great, great, great, great, great-grandmother was fucked by a Smurf, and had a half-Smurf kid. That is a fact. Now tell me, am I lyin’?”

Disclaimer:

An old post but some delightful young lady left a scathing comment. Enjoy!

They also have Chocolate Toffee: a taste of sweet indulgence. R.J. Reynold isn’t even trying to be subtle with their marketing tactics towards children and people with bad eating habits. Logically, they should merge with companies designed to seduce kids at an early age.

Willy Wonka:
Oompa Loompa® Lights
Nico-Nerds®

Disney:
Chip n’ Dale® Chewing Tobacco
Mickey Mouse® Mediums in a Soft Pack

Nickelodeon:
Sponge Bob Squarepants-alicious® Light 100s

I’m sure their market analysts have reported the fact that there is a growing trend of consumers who are worried about their health. Keep a look out for future marketing schemes for the health conscious.

Mother Earth’s Elemental Sticks®
All Organic Tar, Fortified with Flax Seed Oil (Omega-H), Non-Irradiated Nicotine

At Mother Earth™, we cherish every customer and strive for excellence. In this health-conscious world, we care about each customer’s well being. We guarantee every cigarette will have no artificial dyes or preservatives. In addition, every Mother Earth™ employee (their official title is, “Citizen®”) has health insurance, 401k, and is eligible for financial assistance for higher education. Mother Earth™ cherishes her Citizens® and loves humanity. We hope you enjoy smoking our cigarettes. With all the new anti-smoking laws, we are a dying breed. With your help, we can bring back smoking. Every carton you buy, we will donate $1 to The Cool Kids Fund™. They buy new Zippo® Lighters for underprivileged children in unfortunate situations.

Mother Earth™ has been filling people with healthy smoke since 1983.

I’m guessing THE PRINCE’s “hit me back” is implying: Since he feels it’s perfectly normal to hit a women if she gets out of line then she should feel free to “hit him back” if he does the same. He’s no hypocrite (respect).

Now the Sultan comment was much harder to unravel. At first glance I assumed that “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” was an exaggerated form of “Laugh Out Loud” because I know LOOL is “Laughing Outrageously Out Loud”. But then I realized that the Sultan wanted to emphasize the letter “O” because it actually represents the word “oligophrenia” which means “feeble-mindedness”. And ironically pluralizing the word “day” as “day’s”…a stroke of genius.

Touché, Sultan, touché or shall we say douché, douché?

I Googled the word “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” and got this feeble-minded racist forum:

Here’s the link

I’m trying to come up with phrases that are un-Googlable.

I thought I had a winner with “unicorn taint”.

Unfortunately, I got this:

Results of 7 for “unicorn taint”. (0.06 seconds)