wordplay

Gary Swanson lived a spartan lifestyle.

history

Gary was raised in an opharnage and lived in the dorms during college. After graduation, he never owned a car and although he always used public transportation was extremely punctual, and let’s not forget that Gary also fought off the Persians at the battle of Thermopylae.

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I’m Suing My Optometrist

wordplay

I was really disappointed with the results my laser eye surgery.
I thought my doctor was going to install a laser in my eye like Cyclops from the X-Men.
From what I can tell, I can only see better. What a let down!

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Mothers Don’t Understand Technology

technology

Mom
Honey, when is your show on TV?

Me
It’s Friday at 8PM on Channel 45.

Mom
I wish I hadn’t sold my VCR.

Me
Do you have a DVR cable box?

Mom
No. Maybe I should buy one of those DiVo® machines.

Me
You should. It’s sad that the band Devo whores out their equipment to record videos.

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I Drive Women to Bulimia

international

My girlfriend told me, “It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia.”
“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “I don’t even know where Bulimia is.”
I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.
I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic [...]

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Where the Hell is Falluja and What is an Insurgent?

international

Falluja is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation.
INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains.
Used in a sentence:
Mother:
Dammit Billy, this better not be your falluja on the quilt your Grandmother made…I swear to God, you are buying the next bottle of INSURGENT®!

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I Have Sensitive Teeth

wordplay

My dentist said I should use Sensodyne because I have sensitive teeth. I didn’t think they were that sensitive until my girlfriend said my teeth make my penis look small and then I started to cry.

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Different Grades of Unleaded Gas at Mobil

wordplay

Super Unleaded is 93 octane.
Special Unleaded is 89 octane.
Regular Unleaded is only 87 octane.
They should re-think their labeling system considering that the average IQ of a human is about 100.
93 octane should be Regular, 89 octane would be Borderline, and 87 octane would be “Special”.
GAS ATTENDANT
What can I do you for?CUSTOMER
Fill’er up, I guess. Goddamn, [...]

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