Whenever I hear, “Man, that guy is real competitive!”
I hear, “Man, that guy is a real dick!”
Danocrates discusses wordplay
Everyone loved Gator’s Joakim Noah’s competitiveness.
April 4th, 2006 — wordplay
I hate the word, “Policy”
January 17th, 2006 — wordplay
It looks like a gay adjective describing policemen that should be pronounced, “poe-lee-see”.
Example:
“I wish it was navy blue, I’m not a big fan of policy blue.”
What does Falluja mean in Arabic?
January 13th, 2006 — politics, wordplay
Falluja (or الفلوجة) is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation.
INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains.
Used in a sentence:
Mother
Dammit Billy, this better not be your falluja on the quilt your Grandmother made…I swear to God, you are buying the next bottle of INSURGENT®!
I Drive Women to Bulimia
January 10th, 2006 — international, wordplay
My girlfriend told me, “It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia.”
“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “I don’t even know where Bulimia is.”
I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.
I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic Ocean? Come on, that’s crazy talk.
Spanish dictionaries should be called Mexicons.
January 8th, 2006 — wordplay
I’m writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.
January 6th, 2006 — wordplay
It’s about a busboy named Enrique who is blown by a waitress whose father is a chiropractor of a women who just bought an autographed DVD of Footloose off of eBay™ from a guy in Phoenix who was actually blown by Kevin Bacon.
Different Grades of Unleaded Gas at Mobil
January 4th, 2006 — wordplay
Super Unleaded is 93 octane.
Special Unleaded is 89 octane.
Regular Unleaded is only 87 octane.
They should re-think their labeling system considering that the average IQ of a human is about 100.
93 octane should be Regular, 89 octane would be Borderline, and 87 octane would be “Special”.
GAS ATTENDANT
What can I do you for?
What can I do you for?
CUSTOMER
Fill’er up, I guess. Goddamn, I cant’ buh-lieve its three fif-dee a gallon.
Fill’er up, I guess. Goddamn, I cant’ buh-lieve its three fif-dee a gallon.
GAS ATTENDANT
What kind do you want? We’re runnin’ a special on our eighty-seven octane?
What kind do you want? We’re runnin’ a special on our eighty-seven octane?
CUSTOMER
No offense to your kid, Floyd, but I ain’t gonna put no retard gas in my El Camino.
No offense to your kid, Floyd, but I ain’t gonna put no retard gas in my El Camino.
Mothers Don’t Understand Technology
January 3rd, 2006 — technology, wordplay
Mom
Honey, when is your show on TV?
Me
It’s Friday at 8PM on Channel 45.
Mom
I wish I hadn’t sold my VCR.
Me
Do you have a DVR cable box?
Mom
No. Maybe I should buy one of those DiVo® machines.
Me
You should. It’s sad that the band Devo whores out their equipment to record videos.
I’m Suing My Optometrist
December 11th, 2005 — wordplay
I was really disappointed with the results my laser eye surgery.
I thought my doctor was going to install a laser in my eye like Cyclops from the X-Men.
From what I can tell, I can only see better. What a let down!
Different Grades of Unleaded Gas at Mobil
October 26th, 2005 — wordplay
Super Unleaded is 93 octane.
Special Unleaded is 89 octane.
Regular Unleaded is only 87 octane.
They should re-think their labeling system considering that the average IQ of a human is about 100.
93 octane should be Regular, 89 octane would be Borderline, and 87 octane would be “Special”.
GAS ATTENDANT
What can I do you for?CUSTOMER
Fill’er up, I guess. Goddamn, I cant’ buh-lieve its three fif-dee a gallon.
What can I do you for?CUSTOMER
Fill’er up, I guess. Goddamn, I cant’ buh-lieve its three fif-dee a gallon.
GAS ATTENDANT
What kind do you want? We’re runnin’ a special on our eighty-seven octane?
CUSTOMER
No offense to your kid, Floyd, but I ain’t gonna put no retard gas in my El Camino.
