Danocrates discusses wordplay

My grasp of the English language is Mr. Burns-ian weak. I wish Smithers would stand by me and correct all my errors. I grew up in various trailer parks in South Florida and Texas, so my ability to pronounce particular words can be a burden. I also misuse words or create ones that don’t even exist. Take the word irregardless. Somehow it has infiltrated into our modern vernacular.

“Irregardless is considered nonstandard because of the two negative elements ir- and -less.”

But the prize-winning misusage of all words is the seemingly, innocent twelve-letter word: scatological.

“Scatology is the study of feces. In literature, it is used to describe works that make particular reference to excretion or excrement, as well as to toilet humor.”

As in, “Watch out for that dog scat!” or in Spanish, “¡Cuidado con las que mierda de perro!”

I thought the etymology of the word was derived from scat which is an improvised, jazz singing style.

Scat singing is vocal improvisation with nonsense words and syllables or without words at all. Scat singing gives singers the ability to sing improvised melodies and rhythms, to create the equivalent of an instrumental solo using their voice.

So I would use the word to describe people who conveyed non-linear ideas in a fluid manner. Which is mortifying because people would misconstrue my non-sensical statements.

I would say, “The movie was too scatological for most people, but personally I really enjoy that type of film.”

They would hear, “The movie was non-stop, “Larry the Cable Guy” poop jokes for most people, but personally I really enjoy that type of film.”

Now it makes sense why I turned so many girls off in the early stages of my comedy “career”:

At that point the girl would stare at me like I confessed that I created an organization that protects the rights of people who like to rape babies, give me a weird look and would slowly slip out of the conversation with Poops McGee or The Scat Man (which was my stage name at the time).

I’m an idiot.

Other verbal offenses:
trinkle instead of trickle (pertaining to money)
exuberant instead of exorbitant (also pertaining to money)
kitten gloves instead of kid gloves

dem·bitz·i·an (dĕm’ bĭtz’ ĕ’ an) adjective

1. Extremely pretentious especially when speaking of wealth.

2. Making every effort to reveal personal wealth or cost of items.

[That following statement would be described as dembitzian :
“Would anyone like some coffee? It’s Kona flown in from Hawaii. It’s very expensive.“]

—Related forms
dem·bitz·i·an·ly adverb
dem·bitz·ite noun

—Synonyms
1. pompous. 2. douchey. 3. showy. 4. grandiose.

—Etymology
[1999, taken from the surname of Chris Dembitz. Danocrates Allenopolos befriended Mr. Dembitz while residing in Virgina Beach from 1995-2000. It is unknown of the status of their friendship upon the invention of the word dembitzian.]

In defense of Dembitz, he was the first to use the words Dan Allen as a verb. Unfortunately, my name was (and still is) synonymous with being long-winded and being extremely uneconomical with setups to jokes*.

Overheard (circa 1999)
Dembitz to an open-miker:
“Why don’t get to the punch quicker? You’re really Dan Allen-ing that joke.”

slang.
dallen or dallening

*As one road comic put it, “Not a lot of zip. All premises, no punchlines.” (I must note that we were performing at an Italian restaurant in the Catskills. Then he went on stage and puked out the hackiest set that I have every seen. After the show, I heard him arguing with his mother on his jumbotron, larger-than-life, out-dated Nokia phone next to his shitty 85′ Chevrolet Caprice.

He was screaming in a drunken slur, “What? Ma! Just fucking leave the key on the porch for Christ’s sake!”

ver·bal bu·kka·ke [vur-buhl boo-ka-kay]:

Verbal bukkake is a group practice that features a person (usually drunk) being verbally abused on by multiple people (usually comedians, cops or drill sergeants).

Example:
The annoying drunk girl in the front row refused to shut-up so the remaining comics were forced to deliver a verbal bukkake upon her.

Origin:
[ July 2007; Pianos Bar, LES, NYC The Whitest Kids U Know Show]

Slang:
ver·bu·kka·ke [vur-boo-ka-kay]

le·o·tard [lee-uh-tahrd]

–noun
1.
a skintight, one-piece garment for the torso, having a high or low neck, long or short sleeves, and a lower portion resembling either briefs or tights, worn by acrobats, dancers, etc.

Slang: Disparaging
a. a Spandex-ally leotarded outfit.
b. a dumb lion
c. a costume that is stupid, obtuse, or ruined by a Bedazzeler in some way:
a hopeless social leotard.

[Origin: 1915–20; named after Jules Léotard, 19th-century mildly, retarded French aerialist]

Other questionable words:
tike
tycoon

If Donald Trump was black, would it be appropriate to call him a real estate tycoon?

Not if Al Sharpton was involved.

You know that, I know that, people of China know that and the citizens of Korea know that but for some reason Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe doesn’t think it’s that bad. Perhaps he’s a distant relative of Clayton Williams the ex-gubernatorial candidate for Texas who made a “joke” to a reporter, likening bad weather to rape, “as long as it’s inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.” Let’s also not forget one of his infamous responses to his defeat by Ann Richards, a recovering alcoholic, “Well, I hope she doesn’t go back to drinkin’!”.

In 1937, Japan was one of the worst offenders. The Chinese refer to this as the Rape of Nanking. Tens of thousands of women were brutally raped over a period of six weeks.

I never understood the term, “brutally raped”. It seems redundant.

bru‧tal‧ly, adverb
1. savage; cruel;

Rape is brutal.

Rape is the one word in the English language that does not need an adverb to modify it. Its like describing an orange as an orange orange.

Unless there are different methods of rape I’m not aware of:

A flower deliveryman delicately raped a young woman this evening in her apartment today.

or

Father Aguilar was arrested today because of allegations that stated he had passive–aggressively raped an altar boy.

or

Israeli president Moshe Katsav secretly raped his secretary.

or

Since Mark Foley was molested my a priest and brainwashed by his alcoholism, he reluctantly raped a 16-year-old page.

Rapist beware someone just invented an anit-rape condom called Rapex

(I’m not lying. Click on the link).

I like to say, “My pet ant is a homosexual with a learning disablity”.

I’m trying to come up with phrases that are un-Googlable.

I thought I had a winner with “unicorn taint”.

Unfortunately, I got this:

Results of 7 for “unicorn taint”. (0.06 seconds)

I extend that to a baby adopted by a lesbian couple as well.

I find myself telling people, “See ya, I’ll text you later.”

But I’m having trouble conjugating the new word in the past tense.

EXAMPLE:
“What happen last night? I texted you last night.”

I feel like an idiot when I say, “texted”.

We need to come up with another word to describe the act of sending a text message.

Suggestions?