Danocrates discusses technology

My ex-girlfriend called me and left an annoying voice mail.

Without thinking, I retaliated back by texting, “You define the word bitch” (SEND)

I make about 50 text messages a day with my T9 WORD software, so my thumbs punched out the word B-I-T-C-H by memory—2-4-8-2-4 (SEND)

The next day I felt bad about my shitty response so I called her back to apologize.

She immediately started to yell at me and I regretted I called but I told her I didn’t mean what I texted yesterday.

She calmed down when she realized I was calling to say, “I’m sorry.”

She then asked, “Do you really think I’m fat?”

And I said, “What are you talking about?”

“Your message said, “You define the word chubi…C-H-U-B-I”

“Oh no, the stupid T9 software screwed up my words, I don’t think you’re chubby, I think you’re a bitch.”

(click)

“Hello…hello…”

I was updating my computer and at one point I needed to input my ‘IP Address’. I happened to be talking to my buddy who is a computer guru and asked him where I would find this information.

He caustically responded, “You don’t know your IP Address?”

What the fuck?

You should only know your IP Address if you are autistic or an uber-geek who gets wet dreams in Dreamweaver.

A few things I’ve absorbed from MySpace:

The number of “Friends” in a MySpace profile is a direct correlation to the number of hours logged on to the internet and inversely related to that person’s actual social skill.

The beacon enlightens me how unproductive we humans have become.

When my beacon is on, I feel like Frodo Baggins when he slips on his ring and he becomes visible to the Nazgûl , Wraiths of the Shadow World.

MySpace creator Tom must get laid every day.

The saddest MySpace moment is having an actual physical friend not accept you as a MySpace friend and you receive the message, “You already have a pending friend request for this person.”

To add insult to injury, you see that the motherfucker is and logs in and out everyday.

Friendster is the equivalent of a pager.

Out of 32,300 web pages, Google™ ranks my site #1 for the key words,
“Zimmerman Telegraph.”

Check it out here

I was impressed with my awesome web presence, but was saddened when I realized it’s spelled, “Zimmermann.”

On the other hand, Google™ can only find 13,500 pages with the correct spelling.

I may have mispelled his name, but I’m still popular with mildly retarded fans of WWI who can’t spell either.

I wonder if laser light technicians are scared by jazzy PowerPoint presentations?

When people answer a question by saying,
“That’s a good question!”

SUBTEXT TRANSLATION:
“I have no fucking clue!”

New York City is by far the best city to live in as long as you never make a mistake. (ie forget to pay the meter, park in front of a fire hydrant, neglect a parking ticket, smoke indoors, run out of gas in a tunnel, drop/lose your cell phone, lose your unlimited MetroCard, etc…)
People here pride themselves by thinking of everything to avoid suffering the consequences.

When my hard drive died and wiped out all my critical data, I seeked comfort from my friends. My fellow New Yorkers pretended to empathize with my loss by saying,
“Oh my God, that’s horrible, but you backed up? Right?”

SUBTEXT TRANSLATION:
“If you didn’t back up, you’re retarded and deserve it.”

I could only imagine what they would think in a few decades when I tell them my child dies.

“Oh my God, that’s horrible, but you had Patrick’s DNA cloned when he was a baby? Right?”

Dealing with DELL was a dream come true. I finally found the secret code to speak directly to a human and circumnavigated the catacomb of automated voice-operated menus.

Growing up on NINTENDO, I developed an uncanny ability to discover backdoors into any game. My life changed, once I was enlightened with the capability to acquire 30 extra men on CONTRA by simply pressing :
5 5 6 6 3 4 3 4, B, A, SELECT , START… as the plane lands.

Here is the secret to DELL. When you are placed on hold for 20 to 40 minutes, start to chant, “I hate DELL, I love APPLE. I think Steve Jobs is doing a wonderful job, perhaps Michael Dell has become too successful and does NOT give a rat’s ass about his customers…I hate DELL, I love APPLE…(repeat…increase in volume for effect).

I did this three times, and I got a human within seconds of my third hate mantra.

Coincidence, I think not.

Please implement my strategy and leave a comment below with your personal experiences.