Danocrates discusses technology

…I want to master digital necromancy. Who cares if you can Photoshop? I will be able to resurrect my dead computer into a zombie computer.

What exactly is a kWh?
According to Whatis.com, “kWh is a kilowatt-hour which is a unit of energy equivalent to one kilowatt of power expended for one hour of time” or simply power multiplied by time.

How much power is in a kW?
3,600,000 joules

(The equivalent of the amount of energy exerted by 45,000 Tanya Harding henchmen swinging 45,000 bats (80 joules per hitman)†)

What the hell is a joule?
One joule is defined as the amount of energy exerted when a force of one newton is applied over a displacement of one meter.

(One joule is the amount energy required to lift one apple (100 grams) exactly one meter on Earth)

Jesus Christ! What is a newton? Can you eat it?

No silly. One newton is the force required to cause a mass of one kilogram to accelerate at a rate of one meter per second squared. Think back to high school physics. Force equals mass times acceleration. Remember the dude that got hit on the head with the apple. That dude being the asshole who stole the title away from Leibniz as the “inventor of calculus”.

For fuck’s sake, what does this have to do with my electricity bill?
Everything. The utility company only charges seventeen cents a kilowatt-hour.



Not shabby, considering that a lightning strike generates about 250 kWh which would only cost $42.50 or a little less than two and a half hours of the average hourly wage for a U.S. citizen ($17.03).

So now when people rudely ask you how much you make, be vague and tell them you make enough money to make about eight hundred and thirty-three lightning strikes per year††.
(Hint: Your annual salary divided by your $42.50)

†17¢ seems so much cheaper than $450,000,000 ($10,000 per thug)
††This is the best way to be blown by a rocket scientist or a common nerd

Since I have a Treo, it’s very tempting to add the Unlimited Data Plan for $44.99 and have access to the internet 24/7 (Although I’m not sure if that is a blessing since I’m trying to ween off the web). Not to mention that the name of the pre-installed mobile-browser, Blazer, is very misleading. To me “Blazer” implies a speed equivalent to a samurai’s katana strike or the amount of time it takes Microsoft to make a million dollars…nanoseconds. This “Blazer” has the speed of a samurai underwater armed with a butterfly net or the amount of time it takes the Olsen twins to make a million dollars…minutes.

Theoretically, my monthly access charge is only $59 but with all the bells and whistles† (insurance, unlimited text messages, taxes, surcharges and other horse shit hidden fees) it explodes to $92. So the idea of paying $44.99 for a nineteen-ninety-seven-slower-than-dial-up connection does not sound that appealing.

I was quoted .002 cents per kilobyte by a Verizon rep for the Pay-As-You-Go Data Plan. That didn’t sound so bad so I decided to try it out. However, it’s actually .002 dollars per kilobyte††. Big difference. Not only is it a hundred times more expensive than I thought, you also burn up minutes from your total allowable minutes.

The first month I tried it, I rationed myself to extremely brief moments on the infamous World Wide Web to check out my Gmail with the new mobile app Google unleashed and managed to increase by bill by $39 in data usage charges. Fuck! When I say ‘brief’, I’m not exaggerating.

Everytime I hit the ‘Connect’ button on my phone, the theme from Mission Impossible pops into my head and I feel like I’ve initiated the launching sequence that will transform my phone into a thermal detonator.

It’s truly not healthy. I’ll be the only douche bag in existence to die of a heart attack due to thriftiness.

† Which is upsetting because I’ve never received one bell or a whistle from Verizon

†† Verizon Reps suck at math: here and here

MoMA offers a free audio tour to “help” visitors understand what the artist is trying to express.

While helpful with some, you end up looking like a jackass to those brave souls who ventured forth sans audio guidance as you stare at an untitled canvas painted blue by Yves Klein for five minutes listening to a montage of monologues composed by various “experts”.

“Monochrome abstraction—the use of one color over an entire canvas—has been a strategy adopted by many painters wishing to challenge our expectations of what an image can and should represent. Klein likened monochrome painting to an “open window to freedom.” He worked with a chemist to develop his own particular brand of blue. Made from pure color pigment and a binding medium, he called it “International Klein Blue.” Klein adopted this hue as a means of evoking the immateriality and boundlessness that reflected his own peculiar utopian vision of the world.”

Yves Klein, Untitled blue monochrome, 1959.

I enjoy following kids and listening to their reactions to each piece they encounter. It’s in the same spirit of speed dating, they either “love it” or “hate it”. You will either hear, “Oooh…that’s cool!” or “Eeew…that’s crap!” What’s hilarious is that they are usually dead-on while being extremely economical with their word choice.

One room was entirely empty and the halogen lights overhead flickered on and off every ten seconds. Everyone stopped and soaked in the creativity. One couple had found a crumbled scrap of paper and were trying to decipher it’s meaning in the context of the barren room with faulty lighting. As I approached them, they realized it was just a piece of trash some inconsiderate visitor had dropped. They quickly vacated the room to avoid eye contact with me, knowing I knew they had just applied their art history knowledge to garbage.

I was tempted to stick my gum on the wall and attach the wrapper to it and wait for someone to unravel the meaning behind it.

I wouldn’t be shocked if I walked into an installation displaying a diorama of a middle-aged couple’s bedroom with two live models in coital activity with a group of tourist surrounding them holding their trusty audio guide to their ear.

Advances in communication technology has made people accessible 24/7, but it has also made lying to your friends the norm.

10 PRINT “What is funny?”

20 INPUT A

30 IF A= “Dan Allen” THEN PRINT “You are a genius.”

40 IF NOT A= “Dan Allen” THEN PRINT “Have you not lived?”

50 GOTO 10

60 END

General:
Tanning, flirting, disney world, tinkerbell….she is the hoochie of disney..lol, six flags, stilletos, purses, any thing that glitters ;), girly stuff, aldo, XXI, brazilian jeans…nice and low! photoshoots, people who just brighten my day, lipgloss, MAC, vodka, disel, modeling, grey goose, captin morgan, socializing, having a great time, art, cars, what’s hot, high end designers……Tiffany & Co., Chanel, Louis Vuttion, Gucci, Christian Dior, Abercrombie & Fitch, bars, clubs, fashion, modeling, pictures, the mall, technology, arts, broadway, Italy, California, New York, Hawaii, Cancun, Las Vegas… traveling in general….I would love to go to Paris and Austrila some day.

more to come

I vividly remember how proud I was when I stood up in front of my kindergarten class and recited my phone number.

A quarter of a century later, I can’t even remember the first three digits of my girlfriend cell phone number.

My attachment with my phone’s Phonebook is atomic.

This unhealthy relationship becomes crystal clear when someone calls me for a mutual friend’s number and I realize its in my all-knowing numerical lexicon.

I have to tell the caller to wait while I retrieve it.
Press “Menu“
then “Phonebook“
Scroll down to the name of the individual
Make sure I haven’t accidentally dropped the original caller
Remember as many numbers as possible and start reciting
Realize my short-memory allows only 3 numbers at a time
Become flustered when the caller didn’t hear the entire number
Repeat the sluggish process of calling out 3 numbers again

I hope Darwin’s Theory is wrong or we are truly fucked.