stories

I’m a Hero

stories

Everyone was down, bleeding to death. The Mage, the Cleric, the Thief, and the Bard. Since my sword was broken because I fumbled earlier, I switched to my Elven Long Bow +1. However, the Dungeon Master told me that my quiver was empty and I couldn’t shoot the remaining troll without any arrows. Running out [...]

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Losers Read Their Mail

stories

I was a horrible person in 1995. My sense of responsibility was non-existent. I laughed at every bill that arrived in the mail. The fate of the envelope was one of two possibilities: opened and thrown away or unopened and placed in a growing pile. My financial situation was comparable to a Baghdad chandelier maker [...]

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Towel of Terror

stories

In 1992, I was drained. Why? I was nineteen and carried a full course load of freshman engineering classes at Texas A&M, worked a full-time job as an assistant manager at 7-11â„¢, served the Air Force Reserves as an Air Transportation Specialist in San Antonio, and donated plasma every week for extra cash. Sometimes I [...]

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My Eulogy for Bob Powers and Todd Levin

stories

I was asked to deliver an eulogy last night at their 2-year anniversary of How to Kick People at Mo’Pitkins. Here it is: I will never be able to forgive God for this despicable thievery of two talented wordsmiths. God damn you, God! Why did you take these precious souls away from us? Was it [...]

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What a great fucking day!

stories

I was leaving Flatbush, Brooklyn about to get on the Belt Parkway going towards JFK, and suddenly my temperature gauge looked like a speedometer in a drag race. It went from cold to hot in a nanosecond, and then without warning steam billowed out from the hood like a volcano about to erupt.In a normal [...]

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