Danocrates discusses sexuality

I realized that I’ve actually never engaged in the actual pursuit of a woman. My last girlfriend was pre-arranged. My best friend was dating her best friend. They eliminated all the normal guesswork that is usually involved with the initial “let’s get to know each other before we have sex” ritual. We were briefed with the same information about each other: recently single, intelligent, funny, disease and drug free, and looking to break our six-month bout of celibacy. Essentially, we were handed to each other on platters. There was no “hunt”. My friends knew what our particular tastes were and took the liberty to order the food and deliver it to our door. Take-outs are convenient, but there is something to be said about catching and preparing your own food.

Before her, I was pressed to go on a blind date by a stranger who had seen me perform and thought her roommate would be perfect for me. She described her as tall, beautiful, artistic, and athletic. Fortunately, she was very attractive and we seemed compatible on certain levels but that was purely coincidental. It felt analogous to a random person coming up to you and assessing your epicurean needs by their intuition alone. How would you feel if someone was talking to you and felt they had enough information about you to invite you to dinner but neglected to tell you what was going to be served. They only described it as delicious. Which is fine, but certain things have to be taken into consideration. Prior to dinner, you should know about food allergies, vegetarianism, lactose intolerance, kosher… etc. All this could have been discovered in the normal “hunting” process. In a blind date, the food is served in a sealed platter like a secret prize on Let’s Make a Deal from Monty Hall. You don’t know what you are going to eat until you uncover the lid.

I’m afraid if I keep getting use to people bringing food to me, I won’t know how to catch my own food. I’ll keep getting older and my taste will diminish. Now I will only eat carefully prepared meal, soon it will be meals-ready-to-eat, then canned foods, and when I reach forty I’ll settle for beef jerky.

The “hunt” is important. I just have to decide want I want to “hunt”. Some people like to go deep-sea fishing. Others enjoy big game. Personally, I like unicorns. They’re not easy to catch but if you do the pay-off is delightful. You haven’t lived until you have eaten unicorn tenderloin. Bon Apetit!

IF YOU CLICKED ON ME, YOUR MIGHT BE PRETTY LUCKY LOL ” DON’T LUST FOR WHAT YOU SEE, DESIRE WHAT YOU KNOW” PRETTY DEEP HUH??? WELL IM 30 YEARS OLD FROM BROOKLYN , New York. I WORK OUT/ TRAIN 5 DAYS A WEEK.IM VERY INTO HEALTH & FITNESS. I AM AS REAL AS THEY COME!!IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME THEN WRITE ME AND LEARN ABOUT ME. I HAVE A HEART OF GOLD,ILL GIVE U THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK FOR ALL THOSE I LOVE AND CARE ABOUT. PLEASE ” DON’T MISTAKE MY KINDNESS, AS A WEAKNESS” TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS. IM VERY VERY LOYAL,FRIENDLY,CARIN G ,REAL, SENSITIVE AND LOVING . YES IM A CANCER. I’m very intelligent and I’m very confident in myself. I’m very family oriented. I love spending time with my family and friends. I have the greatest friends, they are always there for me. I HAVE TAUGHT FROM GRADES PRE K- HS. I love the medical field as well.I love reading about medical information.Im very interested in the financial world.Im very affectionate.I LOVE WHEN A GUY HOLDS ME & KISSES ME. U MUST BE ABLE TO CARRY A GOOD CONVO WITH ME AND PERSONALITY MATTERS BIG TIME.I CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BASICALLY,IM ALWAYS UP FOR A CHALLENGING CONVERSATION. I LOVE INTELLIGENT GUYS,NOTHING LIKE A INTELLIGENT GUY. I LIKE WHEN A GUY TAKES GOOD CARE OF HIMSELF -MEANING IN GREAT SHAPE ( ATHLETIC BODY ,RIPPED OR MUSCLAR ) MMM CARES ABOUT HIS BODY AND WORKS OUT:) I CARE HOW ABOUT HOW I LOOK, SO I BELIEVE A GUY SHOULD DEFINENTLY TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIMSELF. I very knowledgeable about the banking field.I am a very sincere, & honest person.Im such a nurturer to those I love and care about.I LOVE A GUY THAT IS A GREAT KISSER. I LOVE A GOOD MOVIE LIKE ACTION,DRAMA, COMEDY AND ROMANTIC:) I LOVE ALL TYPES OF MUSIC .” I LOVE ROMANTIC GUYS,THAT MEANS ROMANTIC DINNERS, ROSES & AFFECTIONATE GUYS APPLY. I love to write, Well maybe since I Actually taught writing! I love reading a good piece of writing. Im very deep & love to read quotes by Machiavelli,Plato,Ar istotle,Jung,Socrates &Descartes.

If you’re going to see a movie, choose wisely.

I was on a first date once and we rented The Accused with Jodie Foster?”

Watching The Accused on the first date will make you more uncomfortable than watching Richard Simmons have sex with Janet Reno while they watch David Koresh have sex with an underage Branch Davidian while he fantasizes about Jodie Foster.

It seemed harmless. She asked, “Do you like Jodie Foster?”

I said, “Yeah. Who doesn’t? Who else is in it?”

“Kelly McGillis.”

“Well, I thought she was pretty hot in Top Gun. What’s it about?”

“I don’t know”, she said. “It says, ‘The first scream was for help. The second was for justice.’ I guess it’s a legal thriller.”

“Sounds great!” I said.

I probably don’t need to say this but NEVER EVER watch The Accused on the first date.

There will be NO coy, thigh-on-thigh “action.” And you can completely forget about the highly arousing ear-whispering that normally takes place, along with the out-dated, “fake yawn that turns into an embrace” will probably end with a face full of mace.

Once the camera zooms onto Jodie Foster being gang-raped on a pinball machine, know that your date
will slowly start to rock her self into a fetal position and start to cry.

How romantic.

After the movie ended, there was no eye contact between us, which was difficult because I still had to drive her home. There’s just something about a movie centered around a girl getting gang-raped on a pinball machine that ends your internal debate about whether to go in for the first kiss when you drop her off.

The only way I was able to pull off the rest of the “date” was to imagine that I was from 1885 and I was escorting a young lady from a funeral.

When we finally got to her house, I tipped my imaginary top hat, waxed the tips of my handlebar mustache, bowed and said,
“Good day, my lady. What a delightful evening?”

Then I rode off into the sunset on my old-time-y, high wheel!

I’ve developed a fetish for Jewish girls (aka Matzah Ball Fever). To be more specific, Sephardic Jews (”Jews of the Spanish rite”) over Ashkenazi Jews (”Jews of the German rite”). I’m guessing that my preferential attraction for Sephardic women derives from my upbringing in south Texas and I’ve always had an affinity for Hispanic women.

I was fantasizing the other night that I was in a ménage à trois with two Orthodox Jewish girls in a hotel room. It was pretty kinky because I had to cut two holes in the sheets but I felt bad for the maid the next day because she probably thought that I had a threesome with a ghost and a Klansman.

You know that, I know that, people of China know that and the citizens of Korea know that but for some reason Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe doesn’t think it’s that bad. Perhaps he’s a distant relative of Clayton Williams the ex-gubernatorial candidate for Texas who made a “joke” to a reporter, likening bad weather to rape, “as long as it’s inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.” Let’s also not forget one of his infamous responses to his defeat by Ann Richards, a recovering alcoholic, “Well, I hope she doesn’t go back to drinkin’!”.

In 1937, Japan was one of the worst offenders. The Chinese refer to this as the Rape of Nanking. Tens of thousands of women were brutally raped over a period of six weeks.

I never understood the term, “brutally raped”. It seems redundant.

bru‧tal‧ly, adverb
1. savage; cruel;

Rape is brutal.

Rape is the one word in the English language that does not need an adverb to modify it. Its like describing an orange as an orange orange.

Unless there are different methods of rape I’m not aware of:

A flower deliveryman delicately raped a young woman this evening in her apartment today.

or

Father Aguilar was arrested today because of allegations that stated he had passive–aggressively raped an altar boy.

or

Israeli president Moshe Katsav secretly raped his secretary.

or

Since Mark Foley was molested my a priest and brainwashed by his alcoholism, he reluctantly raped a 16-year-old page.

Rapist beware someone just invented an anit-rape condom called Rapex

(I’m not lying. Click on the link).

I became an uncle for the first time a few days ago and was informed that my nephew was 7lbs 12oz and 21 inches (I’m assuming that’s not shabby for a baby). Personally, I was a freakishly large, hairless hobbit at 10lbs and 22 inches. I have always felt bad for my Mom’s physical defects and I’m convinced that my birth is the reason she has a lazy eye and a slight limp.

I have always wondered why all the adults in the world of Peanuts spoke in an undeciperable language and were never seen. Then I connected the dots and realized that all those poor Quasimamas have been horribly disfigured by giving birth to speech impairing, beachball-headed babies. Good grief!

Whenever a homosexual individual introduces me to their partner, I immediately try to determine who’s the “husband” and who’s the “wife” in the relationship.

It’s always difficult because they both call each other “partner”. It would be extremely helpful if they designated different words. When I hear “partner”, it reminds me of a law office. So perhaps they could refer to the “wife” as an “associate”†.

†As I read this back, I realize how misogynistic this must sound by implying that woman are inferior to men. Obviously, I’m referring to a gay couple in the 1950s before the bra-burning feminist movement.

Lawmakers are trying to stop sex offenders from receiving Viagra through Medicaid.

Since doctors are discovering Viagra leads to blindness, the government should use this to their advantage and force these habitual offenders to use it. It’s hard to rape someone if you can’t see.

Every time I perform in the South, somehow I manage to get surrounded by NASCAR fanatics meeting for the first time. Ritualistically, they start asking each other in a droning redneck mantra, “Who’s your favorite driver? Who’s your favorite dryy-ver? Who’s your favorite dryyy-ver?”

Then every goofball starts sounding off:

This is confusing because these quasi-homoerotic proclamations are always given by very “heterosexual” men who smell like WD-40, stale Budweiser, and campfire smoke.

There are millions of closeted NASCAR fans, trying to get out.

This is what they really are saying:

“Mark Martin’s my man, I used to like Kyle Petty but he wouldn’t shave his moustache and it kinda hurt when we kiss and stuff and Ernie Irvin broke my heart in 93’. That’s why I’m a Mark Martin Man, now! I tell you what boy, every time I see a Number Six, Viagra car, I get hard as a can of Copenhagen!”

This is my impression of a NASCAR fan in Ancient Greece:
“Who’s your favorite diety? Who’s your favorite dee-ahh-tee? Who’s your favorite dee-ahhh-tee?”