Danocrates discusses science

and…koala bears are immune to AIDS.

That’s great news for those cuddly, snuggly, eucalyptus-eating teddy bears!

Unfortunately, truck stop bathrooms in the Outback are becoming unprotected marsupial orgies and now that the fear of sharing needles has been lifted, Melbourne morgues are becoming overwhelmed by dead koala bears overdosed on heroin.

and…koala bears are immune to AIDS. That’s great news for those cuddly, snuggly, eucalyptus-eating teddy bears! Unfortunately, truck stop bathrooms in the Outback are becoming unprotected marsupial orgies and now that the fear of sharing needles has been lifted, Melbourne morgues are becoming overwhelmed by dead koala bears overdosed on heroin.

Humans would die without Oxygen.

Our brains would cease to operate if we stopped breathing it, our bodies would be devoured by skin cancer if the ozone layer (O3) dissipated , and lets not forget that H2O is the elixir of life.

Now if you add one itty bitty oxygen molecule to dihydrogen monoxide (aka…Water) you have H2O2 which everyone knows as hydrogen peroxide.

Every household in America has a brown bottle full of this bacteria-fighting, bleaching water-like fluid in their medicine cabinet.

The pharmacies only peddle the commercial version in an extremely diluted form, only three percent of the bottle is actually hydrogen peroxide.

Little does the public know that this potent potion in its full industrial form is used as rocket fuel and causes cancer. In fact, the Russian submarine Kursk tragedy was caused by leakage of hydrogen peroxide.

I truly don’t understand chemistry.

Humans need water.

Humans need air.

Yet, in our universe :: Water + Air = Death?

Geeks will argue that “Air” is not entirely Oxygen. It is composed of 80% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen.

That is true.

However, my nerdy little Avogrado-lovers…Pure Oxygen is extremely dangerous and flammable.

We have been abused by this manipulative molecule since The Big Bang.

He has broken our spirit. We fear his wrath, but are dependent upon him.

Oxygen is Ike and we are Tina. Fuck you, Oxygen!

I can’t wait until we evolve into another species.

I would rather breathe ammonia than live with this abusive bastard.

Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.

The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big Bird a benefit show to pay for the procedure. Click here for tickets.

Can you the choose the correct rhyme associated with the color scheme of the stripes on the deadly coral snake?

A)
Red then black
Friend of Jack
Red then yellow
Kill a fellow

B)
Red then black
Surprise attack
Red then yellow
Extremely mellow

C)
Black then red
You are so fucking dead!
Black then yellow
The venom will enter your bloodstream and paralyze your nervous system.
The only food you will be able to eat is Jello.

D)
All of the above

Good Luck!

The average lifespan of a Mylar balloon is five to eight days.

Two of my five “Get Well Soon” balloons died the night I got them.

They either commited suicide or they were murdered by the other balloons.

I called NYPD, but they have yet to send any officers by the house.

New York’s Finest, my ass.

I’ve put the two remains in the freezer and made chalk outlines. The other three balloons pleaded The Fifth. Well, they haven’t actually said anything yet. They’re just remaining silent, I’m assuming they’re pleading The Fifth. I’ve isolated them in different rooms, so they can’t collaborate a story together.

If I don’t get any answers soon, I’ll get Abu Ghraib on these little, inflatable bastards.

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

I just watched a commercial showing women seductively inhaling different forms of aluminum (tin foil, fences, a baseball bat, etc ).

I guess the makers of AXE deodorant are implying that since their product is housed in an aluminum can that it produces a potent sexual elixir that simulates the pheromones that attract females.

At first, I dismissed this as advertising rubbish, but then I remembered a valuable tid bit of information I learned from my 10^th grade chemistry teacher, Mr. Wedig.

He asked the class if anyone sniffed paint. Everyone said, “No”. He seemed disappointed. He then proceeded to tell the class that if they ever wanted to start sniffing paint and get really high, they should exclusively inhale aluminum-based paint.

The reason being that the body mistakes aluminum ions (Al3+) for iron ions (Fe3+). The chemical reaction is euphoric. A hallucinogenic wonderland provided by a paper bag , a can of Krylon, and your red blood cells. Of course, eventually you would get jaundice, impotency, and color-blindness, but these trivial side effects would be negated by the unparalleled, iron-deficient, aluminum ecstasy. So perhaps the AXE commercials aren’t so misleading after all.

I just watched a commercial showing women seductively inhaling different forms of aluminum (tin foil, fences, a baseball bat, etc ). I guess the makers of AXE deodorant are implying that since their product is housed in an aluminum can that it produces a potent sexual elixir that simulates the pheromones that attract females.

At first, I dismissed this as advertising rubbish, but then I remembered a valuable tid bit of information I learned from my 10^th grade chemistry teacher, Mr. Wedig. He asked the class if anyone sniffed paint. Everyone said, “No”. He seemed disappointed. He then proceeded to tell the class that if they ever wanted to start sniffing paint and get really high, they should exclusively inhale aluminum-based paint. The reason being that the body mistakes aluminum ions (Al3+) for iron ions (Fe3+). The chemical reaction is euphoric. A hallucinogenic wonderland provided by a paper bag , a can of Krylon, and your red blood cells. Of course, eventually you would get jaundice, impotency, and color-blindness, but these trivial side effects would be negated by the unparalleled, iron-deficient, aluminum ecstasy. So perhaps the AXE commercials aren’t so misleading after all.

Some people claim that animals do not have feelings or emotions. With that said, I was surprised to see a group of pigeons mourning the death of an avian comrade. I’m normally apathetic to the plight of the bird nicknamed, “Rat With Wings”. Although, this very somber scene tugged on my heart strings and I got a little emotional. It was obvious that one pigeon (probably his wife or God forbid his mother) at this impromptu “funeral” was deeply affected. She seemed to be grieving and giving the eulogy. I didn’t want to intrude and disturb their holy moment. However, I wanted to get closer and pay my respects.

Unfortunately, I realized that they weren’t “mourning”. They were eating him. A unexpected Thanksgiving celebration. Those dirty, little, heartless bastards.

If you ever encounter anyone who lacks emotion, labeling them cold-hearted would not be sufficient. Be more specific.
“You sir, have the ruthless heart of a pigeon!”