Danocrates discusses science

Hey guys, my inbox has been flooded with emails from fans asking me, “What is the best way to kill a killer whale?!”



Good question!

Some people love large, commercial nets, others use decoy seals loaded with C4 and amazingly there is a growing number of old-school, harpooning elitists.

After much thought, I realized that killer whales are mammals and as a card-carrying mammal I breathe involuntarily regardless of if I’m awake or asleep. However, killer whales (aka…orcinus orcas) live underwater which means that “they have to actively decide when to breathe“.

Boo-yah!

Since, whales are never completely unconscious. All you have to do is wait until they are in their semi-comatose state of “Dead Man’s Float”, swim to them (I’m guessing very quietly) and give one solid hit to the head with a mallet would work.

Dungeon Master, the gnome who starred in the 1980s, hit TV series Dungeon and Dragons, is “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Humans”.

But to him, the root cause of the Humans’ problems doesn’t lie with the crippling levels of low crops, the feudal corruption or the Consumption plague crisis. To him, the real cause of Humans’ woes is that Humans are inherently less intelligent than other races (ie…gnomes, elves and dwarves).

“All our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours whereas all the testing says not really,” the all powerful Dungeon Master told a journalist from Realm’s Sunday Times last Sunday.

He hoped that everyone was equal, he continued, but “people who have to deal with Human peasants find this not true”.

“There is no firm reason to anticipate that the intellectual capacities of peoples geographically separated in their evolution should prove to have evolved identically,” he argued.

“Our wanting to reserve equal powers of reason as some universal heritage of humanity will not be enough to make it so.”

The comments by the Dungeon Master, who has been described as wielding “something approaching a papal influence over the teleportation and mentoring of the masses”, have caused a furor in Realm, where over 24 per cent of the population is Human.

In Realm to promote his new book, Avoid Unheroic People: Lessons from a Life in Magic, Dungeon Master is suddenly being shunned where he expected to be embraced.

His comments were deemed so offensive that a sold-out talk he was to give at the Magic Guild in town of Helix was canceled.

A spokesman for the guild said: “We know that eminent DMs can sometimes say things that cause controversy and the Magic Guild does not shy away from debating controversial topics.

“However, we feel Dungeon Master has gone beyond the point of acceptable debate.”

Dungeon Master has since been suspended by the Hot Spring Mentoring Earthlings Laboratory outside of City at the Edge of Midnight. He has made no further comment since the scandal broke, but it is fair to say that he has never observed any boundaries of acceptable debate, a trait that is his great strength as a DM and also his greatest failing as a social commentator.

[Source]

I just read on CNN that a virgin Komodo dragon named Flora gave birth today. Parthenogenesis is the best word to decribe this “miracle”.

partheno-genesis (pär‘thənōjĕn‘əsĭs)
[Greek,=virgin-birth]

Another parthenogenetic species is the whiptail lizard, these creatures survive with an entirely female population sans males.

This colony of fatherless, Amazonian lizards are able to create life yet retain their virginity.

Every egg that hatches has a possibility of becoming a Messiah.

Jim Morrison, The Lizard King, could not have reigned over these Wonder Women of reptiles.

We are the only animals on the planet that celebrate it. It’s just an arbitrary point in space that we’ve invented. All we do is get drunk every time we go around the Sun.
Weeee! (one year lapses)
Yaaaay!! (365.25 days later)
Happy New Year!!!

We are eternally trapped in this boring cycle. Fuck that. I know that not everyone hates New Year’s like I do, and I can only encourage them to do one thing: Leave Earth and move to Mercury because they have a New Year’s party every 88 days.

Ain’t no party like a Mercury party because a Mercury party don’t stop.

A lot of sex happens on Mercury. They should rename the planet Herpes, the Greek god of STDs.

The only planet that should be able to celebrate New Year’s is Pluto (especially now that its been downgraded to an ice chunk. How humiliating?). The reason I say the citizens of Pluto deserve a party is because they have a New Year’s every 250 years. When it does happen they don’t even know what to do. They have to read it in their Plutonian bibles.

Ezhekial 3:17

And the Lord mixed margaritas.

Imagine the mayhem that would ensue as the ball dropped. Plutonians would come out of their houses and stick syringes of heroin in their eyes and have sex with parakeets screaming, “Happy New Year!” Now thats a DVD I would buy. It would make the backstage of Motely Crew concert look like the Lilith Fair.

Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.

The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big Bird a benefit show to pay for the procedure. Click here for tickets.

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

The milk industry claims its bovine breast beverage fortified with vitamin D, “Does the body good.”

Vitamin D is essential for absorbing calcium which helps our bodies build strong bones and teeth. However, some studies show dairy consumption leads to certain types of cancer. Granted, these specific dairy products come from cows amped up the bovine growth hormone.

Cancer + Chemo = Baldness

The question is how do we obtain vitamin D without consuming cancer-creating-dairy products?

Quite the conundrum.

How about that big ole yellow orb that’s eight light minutes away we call the Sun, silly?

The body produces vitamin D when the sun’s ultraviolet rays strike the skin. I can’t explain exactly what happens chemically, so let’s just call it “solar sorcery”.

But before you become an official vegan, move to a nudist colony and start worshiping Amen-Ra the Sun God, take heed!

Take in too much UV rays (aka…radiation) and you will develop skin cancer. The ozone layer is the Earth’s sunscreen against the UV rays. Some scientists have blamed ozone depletion from cow’s methane emissions created by their belching and flatulence.

Drink too much milk…cancer…sun bath too long…cancer…too many cows…cancer

How are we to keep our hair if we keep getting cancer on our quest for vitamin D?

Like symbol of Ouroboros, the serpent devouring its own tail, I wish I had an answer to this paradox.

I did some research and discovered the entire milk campaign in the 80’s was financed by an eccentric billionaire and wig mogul, J.C. McCloud.

Coincidence? I think not.

Humans would die without Oxygen.

Our brains would cease to operate if we stopped breathing it, our bodies would be devoured by skin cancer if the ozone layer (O3) dissipated , and lets not forget that H2O is the elixir of life.

Now if you add one itty bitty oxygen molecule to dihydrogen monoxide (aka…Water) you have H2O2 which everyone knows as hydrogen peroxide.

Every household in America has a brown bottle full of this bacteria-fighting, bleaching water-like fluid in their medicine cabinet.

The pharmacies only peddle the commercial version in an extremely diluted form, only three percent of the bottle is actually hydrogen peroxide.

Little does the public know that this potent potion in its full industrial form is used as rocket fuel and causes cancer. In fact, the Russian submarine Kursk tragedy was caused by leakage of hydrogen peroxide.

I truly don’t understand chemistry.

Humans need water.

Humans need air.

Yet, in our universe :: Water + Air = Death?

Geeks will argue that “Air” is not entirely Oxygen. It is composed of 80% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen.

That is true.

However, my nerdy little Avogrado-lovers…Pure Oxygen is extremely dangerous and flammable.

We have been abused by this manipulative molecule since The Big Bang.

He has broken our spirit. We fear his wrath, but are dependent upon him.

Oxygen is Ike and we are Tina. Fuck you, Oxygen!

I can’t wait until we evolve into another species.

I would rather breathe ammonia than live with this abusive bastard.

My friend Ben is extremely overweight—over 400 pounds. He’s always on some ridiculous diet to shed his excess fat. Right now he’s only eating apples and canned tuna fish.

I told him if he really wanted to reduce his “weight” just wait until the Moon was directly overhead and he would “weigh” less because the gravitational pull of the Moon would be pulling up on his body.

“That’s awesome!”, Ben said then asked, “How much would I weigh then?” I answered, “Oh…about…three hundred and ninety-nine point nine nine eight.”

“Oh—not enough to make a difference,” he gloomily responded as he bit into a over ripened green apple.

“Hey man, just think. In twenty years, I’m sure NASA will have a lunar colony. If you moved there, you would only weigh 67 pounds. You would still be big as fuck, but have the weight of an eight year old.”

“Fuck you!”

Memories are holographic chemicals.
Are holograms chemical memories or are chemicals holographic memories?
Bleach is a chemical. Bleach is a holographic memory?

Curious, I inhaled it and Princess Leia appeared and said, “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi“, then I passed out because of the fumes.