science

people / science — 1 Comment
8
Mar 10

I Hate New Year’s Day

We are the only animals on the planet that celebrate it. It’s just an arbitrary point in space that we’ve invented. All we do is get drunk every time we go around the Sun.
Weeee! (one year lapses)
Yaaaay!! (365.25 days later)
Happy New Year!!!

We are eternally trapped in this boring cycle. Fuck that. I know that not everyone hates New Year’s like I do, and I can only encourage them to do one thing: Leave Earth and move to Mercury because they have a New Year’s party every 88 days.

Ain’t no party like a Mercury party because a Mercury party don’t stop.

A lot of sex happens on Mercury. They should rename the planet Herpes, the Greek god of STDs.

The only planet that should be able to celebrate New Year’s is Pluto (especially now that its been downgraded to an ice chunk. How humiliating?). The reason I say the citizens of Pluto deserve a party is because they have a New Year’s every 250 years. When it does happen they don’t even know what to do. They have to read it in their Plutonian bibles.

Ezhekial 3:17

And the Lord mixed margaritas.

Imagine the mayhem that would ensue as the ball dropped. Plutonians would come out of their houses and stick syringes of heroin in their eyes and have sex with parakeets screaming, “Happy New Year!” Now thats a DVD I would buy. It would make the backstage of Motely Crew concert look like the Lilith Fair.

Originally posted 2006-08-26 17:24:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics / science — No Comments
24
Feb 10

Stars are Born In Cold Interstellar Clouds

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

Originally posted 2005-03-31 13:41:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

science / sexuality — No Comments
15
Jan 10

I Love Aluminum

I just watched a commercial showing women seductively inhaling different forms of aluminum (tin foil, fences, a baseball bat, etc ). I guess the makers of AXE deodorant are implying that since their product is housed in an aluminum can that it produces a potent sexual elixir that simulates the pheromones that attract females.

At first, I dismissed this as advertising rubbish, but then I remembered a valuable tid bit of information I learned from my 10th grade chemistry teacher, Mr. Wedig. He asked the class if anyone sniffed paint. Everyone said, “No”. He seemed disappointed. He then proceeded to tell the class that if they ever wanted to start sniffing paint and get really high, they should exclusively inhale aluminum-based paint. The reason being that the body mistakes aluminum ions (Al3+) for iron ions (Fe3+). The chemical reaction is euphoric. A hallucinogenic wonderland provided by a paper bag , a can of Krylon, and your red blood cells. Of course, eventually you would get jaundice, impotency, and color-blindness, but these trivial side effects would be negated by the unparalleled, iron-deficient, aluminum ecstasy. So perhaps the AXE commercials aren’t so misleading after all.

Originally posted 2005-02-21 14:57:06. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment / science — No Comments
20
Dec 09

Advances in Muppet® Medicine

Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.

The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big Bird a benefit show to pay for the procedure. Click here for tickets.

Originally posted 2005-08-12 00:31:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

science — 3 Comments
17
Dec 09

We Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Oxygen

Humans would die without Oxygen.

Our brains would cease to operate if we stopped breathing it, our bodies would be devoured by skin cancer if the ozone layer (O3) dissipated , and lets not forget that H2O is the elixir of life.

Now if you add one itty bitty oxygen molecule to dihydrogen monoxide (aka…Water) you have H2O2 which everyone knows as hydrogen peroxide.

Every household in America has a brown bottle full of this bacteria-fighting, bleaching water-like fluid in their medicine cabinet.

The pharmacies only peddle the commercial version in an extremely diluted form, only three percent of the bottle is actually hydrogen peroxide.

Little does the public know that this potent potion in its full industrial form is used as rocket fuel and causes cancer. In fact, the Russian submarine Kursk tragedy was caused by leakage of hydrogen peroxide.

I truly don’t understand chemistry.

Humans need water.

Humans need air.

Yet, in our universe :: Water + Air = Death?

Geeks will argue that “Air” is not entirely Oxygen. It is composed of 80% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen.

That is true.

However, my nerdy little Avogrado-lovers…Pure Oxygen is extremely dangerous and flammable.

We have been abused by this manipulative molecule since The Big Bang.

He has broken our spirit. We fear his wrath, but are dependent upon him.

Oxygen is Ike and we are Tina. Fuck you, Oxygen!

I can’t wait until we evolve into another species.

I would rather breathe ammonia than live with this abusive bastard.

Originally posted 2006-01-06 02:56:06. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics / science — 1 Comment
14
Dec 09

Stars are Born In Cold Interstellar Clouds

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

Originally posted 2006-05-02 16:39:40. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

science — No Comments
13
Dec 09

Fun Facts: Sharks are immune to cancer…

and…koala bears are immune to AIDS.

That’s great news for those cuddly, snuggly, eucalyptus-eating teddy bears!

Unfortunately, truck stop bathrooms in the Outback are becoming unprotected marsupial orgies and now that the fear of sharing needles has been lifted, Melbourne morgues are becoming overwhelmed by dead koala bears overdosed on heroin.

*****BREAKING NEWS*******
Read this on CNN.com Koalas in Australia dying from AIDS, habitat loss

Originally posted 2006-01-04 12:03:06. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

science — 2 Comments
5
Dec 09

Virgin Komodo Dragon Named Flora Gives Birth

I just read on CNN that a virgin Komodo dragon named Flora gave birth today. Parthenogenesis is the best word to decribe this “miracle”.

komododragon.jpg

partheno-genesis (pär‘thənōjĕn‘əsĭs)
[Greek,=virgin-birth]

Another parthenogenetic species is the whiptail lizard, these creatures survive with an entirely female population sans males.

This colony of fatherless, Amazonian lizards are able to create life yet retain their virginity.

Every egg that hatches has a possibility of becoming a Messiah.

ourlady.gif

lizardking.jpg

Jim Morrison, The Lizard King, could not have reigned over these Wonder Women of reptiles.

wonder-woman.jpg

Originally posted 2006-12-20 11:56:57. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

food / science — No Comments
2
Dec 09

Cows Causes Baldness

The milk industry claims its bovine breast beverage fortified with vitamin D, “Does the body good.”

glass-of-milk.jpg

Vitamin D is essential for absorbing calcium which helps our bodies build strong bones and teeth. However, some studies show dairy consumption leads to certain types of cancer. Granted, these specific dairy products come from cows amped up the bovine growth hormone.

Vitamin D.jpg

Cancer + Chemo = Baldness

The question is how do we obtain vitamin D without consuming cancer-creating-dairy products?

Quite the conundrum.

How about that big ole yellow orb that’s eight light minutes away we call the Sun, silly?

The body produces vitamin D when the sun’s ultraviolet rays strike the skin. I can’t explain exactly what happens chemically, so let’s just call it “solar sorcery”.

But before you become an official vegan, move to a nudist colony and start worshiping Amen-Ra the Sun God, take heed!

Take in too much UV rays (aka…radiation) and you will develop skin cancer. The ozone layer is the Earth’s sunscreen against the UV rays. Some scientists have blamed ozone depletion from cow’s methane emissions created by their belching and flatulence.

Drink too much milk…cancer…sun bath too long…cancer…too many cows…cancer

How are we to keep our hair if we keep getting cancer on our quest for vitamin D?

Like symbol of Ouroboros, the serpent devouring its own tail, I wish I had an answer to this paradox.

I did some research and discovered the entire milk campaign in the 80’s was financed by an eccentric billionaire and wig mogul, J.C. McCloud.

Coincidence? I think not.

Originally posted 2006-04-12 16:51:38. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment / science — 2 Comments
25
Nov 09

The Deadly Danger of Acid Use

.

The government continues to warn people against the recreational use of acid. Recently, they published the “1971 Autopsy Report of Jim Morrison” from The Doors. Morrison was 28 years old at the time of his death. High levels of deoxyribonucleic acid was found saturated throughout his body.

One forensic technician callously stated, “It was like God made him with it (the aforementioned acid).”

For more information on the side effects of deoxyribonucleic acid: Click here

Originally posted 2004-10-12 14:46:32. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

science — 1 Comment
19
Nov 09

Baby Balloons Murdered

The average lifespan of a Mylar balloon is five to eight days.

Two of my five “Get Well Soon” balloons died the night I got them.

They either commited suicide or they were murdered by the other balloons.

I called NYPD, but they have yet to send any officers by the house.

New York’s Finest, my ass.

I’ve put the two remains in the freezer and made chalk outlines. The other three balloons pleaded The Fifth. Well, they haven’t actually said anything yet. They’re just remaining silent, I’m assuming they’re pleading The Fifth. I’ve isolated them in different rooms, so they can’t collaborate a story together.

If I don’t get any answers soon, I’ll get Abu Ghraib on these little, inflatable bastards.

Originally posted 2005-05-11 16:26:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

science — 1 Comment
15
Nov 09

Fun Facts: Sharks are immune to cancer…

and…koala bears are immune to AIDS. That’s great news for those cuddly, snuggly, eucalyptus-eating teddy bears! Unfortunately, truck stop bathrooms in the Outback are becoming unprotected marsupial orgies and now that the fear of sharing needles has been lifted, Melbourne morgues are becoming overwhelmed by dead koala bears overdosed on heroin.

Originally posted 2006-01-01 02:38:35. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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