Danocrates discusses sci-fi

I don’t understand how people can narrow down all the important variables in a candidate into one particular issue. The single-narrow mindedness is maddening. There are a plethora of reasons to despise a politician. i.e…perpetuating the oppression of Cubans through our ridiculous embargo, non-involvement in Sudan, not being proactive in dispensing generic drugs to fight HIV in South Africa, not focusing on alternative energy sources like geothermal, tidal, or biomass fuel technology…and a hundred thousand other problems that need to be addressed.

Most jackasses can determine whom they will vote for simply by labeling the individual, “Pro-Life” or “Pro-Choice”. I’m not dismissing abortion as an insignificant matter. Personally, I’m not a big fan of it. However, that only pertains to the one I’m involved with and myself. I couldn’t care less what other individuals do. Does that make me an apathetic dick? Who knows?

Pro-Lifers say that every life is precious, and that you could be killing the next Mozart, Einstein, or Mother Teresa.

I see it differently.

Imagine if Mr. and Mrs. Hutt † had decided Planned Parenthood would have been a better choice instead giving life to their child. If they would have done that, the citizens of the desert planet of Tatooine wouldn’t have had to live their entire lives in fear because of one bloated, slug lord named Jabba. Obviously, he terrorized others because he was projecting his own insecurities caused by feelings of abandonment from his shitty parents. In addition, his self-esteem was non-existent due to his ongoing battle with his weight problem. Four bags of frogs and a couple of Jawas for lunch can’t be healthy. Jabba the Hutt’s life is precious?! He should have been aborted.

Granted, the original scene at Mos Eisley Cantina, where Han Solo blasted the bounty hunter, Greedo ‡, who was trying to collect♠ for the Abortion-Survivor, wouldn’t have taken place. Consequently, Luke and Obi-Wan wouldn’t have escaped on the Millennium Falcon which would have triggered a Butterfly Effect and the Death Star could still be fully operational to this day. However, that conflicts with my original hypothesis of killing Jabba at birth. Perhaps, Darth Vader should have been aborted. Unfortunately, Mr. Vader was formerly known as Anakin Skywalker. Which would have deleted Luke from the equation and he wouldn’t been able to fire his Proton Torpedoes down the exhaust shafts of the aforementioned Weapon of Mass Destruction. Quite the conundrum. In conclusion, I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

There was a lot of sexual tension between Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia when they first met. It’s a good thing Yoda told Luke that Leia was his fraternal twin sister before he had died.

Who could imagine the birth defects of child produced by two Jedi twins.

Ancient Massassi temple on Yavin IV (Fourth moon of Yavin)

Medical facility in the New Republic base

2-1B MEDICAL DROID
His midi-clorians level is off the charts, over 21,000. Unfortunately, he also has an extra chromosome.

LEIA
What does that mean, Two Onebee?

2-1B
It means he has the innate ability to use the Force, but will have Down’s Syndrome as well.

LUKE and LEIA
NOOOOOO!

LEIA
Oh, Luke! What are we going to do?

R2-D2
(whirrrr-chirp-whistle-beeeeep-beep-whistle-blip-whirr)

C3-PO
Behave R2, it isn’t polite to call Master Skywalker’s son a retarded Jedi.

HAN
(smirks)Polite? This is history in the making. R2’s right. You’re son is going to be the first retarded Jedi.

LEIA
You’re an asshole, Solo!

HAN
Hey! Your Holy Highness of the Universe, if you would have fallen for me and not Golden Boy, you two wouldn’t be in this mess.

LUKE
Cool it, Han! I won her—fair and square.

HAN
Won her?! I don’t how things work on a moisture farm, but “sisters” are off limits where I come from…no matter how hot she is. Wookies do it, but their animals.

CHEWBACCA
ARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!

HAN
Shut up ya big baby, stop acting like an overstuffed Ewok.

CHEWBACCA
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

HAN
Now you’re acting retarded.

LUKE
Stop saying, “Retarded.”

HAN
Why, because your son’s retar…

LUKE activates his lightsaber. HAN unholsters his blaster pistol.

(to be CONT’D in the Episode VII—The Force Goes On)

Fifteen years later (15 A.B.Y.)
Coruscant, capital of the New Republic
Jar-Jar Binks High School
Locker Room

JOCK #1
Hey ‘tard, heard you couldn’t get into your Dad’s Temple on Yavin 4?CORKY SKYWALKER
Quit it.

JOCK #1
What are you goin’ to do? Huh?

CORKY SKYWALKER
Cut it out.

JOCK #2
Be careful, he can crush your trachea with his mind.

JOCK #1
I ain’t scared of a retar…

CORKY SKYWALKER extends his right hand out. JOCK #1 drops to his knees, clasps his neck, and begins to choke.

JOCK #2
Stop! You’re going to kill him.

JOCK #2 lunges forward. CORKY waves his left arm out in a sweeping arc motion and effortlessly hurls JOCK #2 backwards with the Force. JOCK #1 dies and his lifeless body slumps forward.

Camera zooms into CORKY’s face and shows his eye color transform into yellow. Darth Vader’s theme music plays in the background. Scene fades.

(to be CONT’D in Episode VIII—Darth Tardo Strikes Back)

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ANY GIVEN SATURDAY AT THE Dungeon Master’s HOUSE

July 21st, 2004 — poetry, sci-fi

Let’s get this party started.

Mano y Mano
Me against You
My THAC0 is low, and your Armor Class is high
Get your dice ready, and prepare to die
Your lack of creativity appalls me
(let me guess a big barbarian with an Austrian accent and a two-handed sword named, Bonan)
How original.
Roll for initiative.
Yikes! I go first.
Step aside, and watch the master.
I rolled a twenty, bitch
That’s a critical hit.
Double damage.
Not shabby for an itty bitty long sword
Hate to see what carnage is released by my twelve-sided die
A deadly Dodecahedron
Inscribed with numbers.
Ouch! I maxed it out.
Twelve times two equals twenty-four
Two more points, and you go nighty-night
Pray for a cleric when you reach Death’s Door
Your turn, slug
You move like a tortoise with rigamortis
Roll your twenty, and don’t fuck up
Tisk, tisk, rolled a one
Oops, looks like a fumble
Stupid half-orc.
(That’s the last time you’ll call me a tree-huggin’, dandelion-eating, cucumber-suckin elf lover. What’s sad is most of your kind are created by the evil act of a human female being violently impregnated by a hideous orc. But YOU exist because your Dad was so vile and disgusting, he could ONLY FUCK ORCS!!)
Suck my steel, you son of a motherless goat!

Quinntoth Winterloc of Tanterbahn, son of Avin
(half-elf, male, 6th Level Bard)

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