Danocrates discusses religion

The one and only thing I respect about the Church of Satan is that they don’t try to push their religion down the throat of every passerby. They are actually a very secretive sect that tends to practice incognito.

Unlike their nemesis, Christians are on every street corner, subway, pamphlet and even knocking on our doors. Preaching the “word”. Which is fine, but they don’t have to be sneaky about it.

I recently recieved an email that had this added at the end. It had nothing to do with the content of the email, but the sender felt empowered to give me unsolicited theological advice (the best kind in my book).
“You exist only because God wills that you exist.
You were made by God and for God - and until you understand that, life will never make sense.
It is only in God that we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny. Every other path leads to a dead end.”

The worst offenders are the pamphlet guys. They strategically stand outside subways stops and slyly ask, “Hey man, you want something to read?” Unsuspecting riders take it to pass the time on their commute but are disappointed by the deception. I once observed a guy who took a pamphlet, glanced at it, immediately threw it away and muttered, “Jesus shit!”

I don’t mind Sikh pamphlets. At least they have pictures of cool Tolkein-like daggers.

DIURETICS by L. Ron Espresso

DIABETICS by L. Ron Brimely

HYDROPONICS by L. Ron Pufnstuf

I don’t know what’s harder to believe.

The existence of Santa Claus or that Jesus’s heart pumps Welch’s Grape Juice through his body.

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, “When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Colored and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

Mormons and bees both practice polygamy.

However, Mormons live in male-centric, polygynous communities and bees live in female-centric, polyandric colonies.

Joseph Smith, The Mormon Prophet, wanted to hide this biological fact from their women-folk: Animals could successfully survive with this gender arrangement.

So he took the liberty and carefully amended the Book of Revelations in the Book of Mormons.

He ‘found and replaced’ the word, locusts with the word bees and refered to Satan as the Queen Bee. The word honey was replaced by Satan’s slime or Lucifer’s blood.

I guess he was a genius, because his prophecy of killer bees has come true.

FUN FACT:
Winnie the Pooh is not a Mormon. He’s a Pooh.

I think A.A. Milne was an anti-Semite.
“Poohs love honey,” sounds a lot like “Jews love money.”

Fortunately, she’s Sephardic because I have trouble pronouncing Ashkenazic.

Someone told me the easiest way to remember how to pronounce is by saying, ‘Ask-a-Nazi’

Fuck that guy!

I’d rather mispronounce it.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

a community of democracy without all the hypocracy

a festivity of harmony, equality not bigotry, sympathy not apathy,

and simple genorosity will end this planets poverty.

you do not know the intricacy of what I see

a land without myths

a land without legends

is a sea of blasphemy

with no diety, there can be no prosperity

G-O-D

replace the “T” for the “D”

and you got G-O-T

some pronounce it, “Go-tee”

my beard