Mah nishtanah ha-lahylah ha-zeh mi-kol ha-layloht, mi-kol ha-layloht?

1.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin chameytz u-matzah, chameytz u-matzah. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, kooloh matzah?

2.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin sh’ar y’rakot, sh’ar y’rakot. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, maror?

3.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht ayn anu mat’bilin afilu pa’am echat, afilu pa’am echat. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, sh’tay p’amim?

4.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin bayn yosh’bin u’vayn m’soobin, bayn yosh’bin u’vayn m’soobin. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, koolanu m’soobin?

Why is this night different from all other nights?

1.)
Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?

2.)
Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?

3.)
Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?

4.)
Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?

Why do we do this?

1.)
What time is dinner?

2.)
What are we having for dinner?

3.)
What are we having for dessert?

4.)
Who’s cleaning up?

What would Jesus do at a Seder?

1.)
Are Elijah and Miriam Easter bunnies?

2.)
Why do I get laughed at when I tell people what I believe in?

3.)
Why are a growing number of indecisive Jews for Jesus becoming transvestites?

4.)
Who are we kidding?

Why do Jews act crazy this time of year?

1.)
Why the hell are they afraid of bread?

2.)
Why do they get so many days off?

3.)
Why aren’t there laws to arrest them for using Christian blood in their satanic rituals?

4.)
Why are there so many Jews?

a community of democracy without all the hypocracy

a festivity of harmony, equality not bigotry, sympathy not apathy,

and simple genorosity will end this planets poverty.

you do not know the intricacy of what I see

a land without myths

a land without legends

is a sea of blasphemy

with no diety, there can be no prosperity

G-O-D

replace the “T” for the “D”

and you got G-O-T

some pronounce it, “Go-tee”

my beard

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, “When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for:
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Coloreds and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

…but since I grew up as one I still feel awkward when people use the Lord’s name in vain.

So whenever I hear someone yell out, “Jesus Christ!!”

My brainwashed mind automatically amends what I hear by adding,

“Jesus Christ…was a real cool dude.”

Obviously, I do this secretly without losing street cred with my atheist and agnostic friends.

Although its one of the Ten Commandments, Christians seem to be the biggest offenders.

Recently, I was getting my oil change and the mechanic had a gold cross on a chain around his neck and a Footprints in the Sand poster on the wall. He accidentily bumped his head on the hood and screamed out,

“Jesus fucking Christ!!”

I was having a hard time morphing it into a positive statement. Then I realized it wasn’t so bad. Jesus is Christ and Christ is Jesus. So he really was just saying, “Jesus is masturbating” only incredibly loud. That’s not that horrible, unless of course you’re Catholic.

Then I imagined Jesus masturbating on Easter, and these five words resonated in my head:

A resurrection of an erection.

I don’t know what’s harder to believe.

The existence of Santa Claus or that Jesus’s heart pumps Welch’s Grape Juice through his body.

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, “When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Colored and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

Why is it so fucking hot? I’m going to get baptized this Sunday to cool down.

Mormons and bees both practice polygamy.

However, Mormons live in male-centric, polygynous communities and bees live in female-centric, polyandric colonies.

Joseph Smith, The Mormon Prophet, wanted to hide this biological fact from their women-folk: Animals could successfully survive with this gender arrangement.

So he took the liberty and carefully amended the Book of Revelations in the Book of Mormons.

He ‘found and replaced’ the word, locusts with the word bees and refered to Satan as the Queen Bee. The word honey was replaced by Satan’s slime or Lucifer’s blood.

I guess he was a genius, because his prophecy of killer bees has come true.

FUN FACT:
Winnie the Pooh is not a Mormon. He’s a Pooh.

I think A.A. Milne was an anti-Semite.
“Poohs love honey,” sounds a lot like “Jews love money.”

I’ve developed a fetish for Jewish girls (aka Matzah Ball Fever). To be more specific, Sephardic Jews (“Jews of the Spanish rite”) over Ashkenazi Jews (“Jews of the German rite”). I’m guessing that my preferential attraction for Sephardic women derives from my upbringing in south Texas and I’ve always had an affinity for Hispanic women.

I was fantasizing the other night that I was in a ménage à trois with two Orthodox Jewish girls in a hotel room. It was pretty kinky because I had to cut two holes in the sheets but I felt bad for the maid the next day because she probably thought that I had a threesome with a ghost and a Klansman.

DIURETICS by L. Ron Espresso

DIABETICS by L. Ron Brimely

HYDROPONICS by L. Ron Pufnstuf

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

It was a huge victory for Evangelical Christians at the Iowa Caucus. Their “Christ” has risen in form of a former governor of Arkansas named Mike Huckabee.

It’s interesting that he governed Arkansas because if you dissect the word “Arkansas”, it’s basically “Ark” and “Kansas” merged as one.

Which makes sense because Kansas legislators decided that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution should be optional and the Theory of Intelligent Design(ID) should be also taught and let the students decide.

Feeling more powerful and confident that Middle America is behind him, Huckabee is now campaigning against the actual geometric shape of the Pentagon because it can be inscribed with a Satanic pentacle.

This fiery, five-sided, paganistic polygon has been the official symbol for Satan since the birth of mankind. If they succeed,the Department of Defense will be renamed the Department of Divine Defense and the construction of a new, twelve-sided building called the Dodecagon, fashioned into the shape of a cross, will replace the Satanic star.

“Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaitra les siens.”
-Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux,during the Fourth Crusade, outside the fortified city of Beziers in July,1209

Which translates to,“Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth them that are His.”

or

“Kill’em all, let God sort ‘em out!” in Marine talk

UPDATE:

Dark Phoenix on 11.10.07 at 8:32 pm

the five sided star is NOT a satanic symbol! it is an ancient symbol representing female divinity. the satanic star is upside down! please research something before you make comments on it. you really sound like an idiot

So sorry, Dark Phoenix…

I apologize for being off by 40 degrees to the right. Satan forgive me for I have sinned. I am an idiot…oh Dark Phoenix.

PS. How can a Phoenix be dark? A little oxymoronic if you ask me but then again I’m the idiot.

PSS. I love you Dark Phoenix.

PSSS. As an idiot, I love other idiots.

Fortunately, she’s Sephardic because I have trouble pronouncing Ashkenazic.

Someone told me the easiest way to remember how to pronounce is by saying, ‘Ask-a-Nazi’

Fuck that guy!

I’d rather mispronounce it.

The one and only thing I respect about the Church of Satan is that they don’t try to push their religion down the throat of every passerby. They are actually a very secretive sect that tends to practice incognito.

Unlike their nemesis, Christians are on every street corner, subway, pamphlet and even knocking on our doors. Preaching the “word”. Which is fine, but they don’t have to be sneaky about it.

I recently recieved an email that had this added at the end. It had nothing to do with the content of the email, but the sender felt empowered to give me unsolicited theological advice (the best kind in my book).
“You exist only because God wills that you exist.
You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense.
It is only in God that we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny. Every other path leads to a dead end.”

The worst offenders are the pamphlet guys. They strategically stand outside subways stops and slyly ask, “Hey man, you want something to read?” Unsuspecting riders take it to pass the time on their commute but are disappointed by the deception. I once observed a guy who took a pamphlet, glanced at it, immediately threw it away and muttered, “Jesus shit!”

I don’t mind Sikh pamphlets. At least they have pictures of cool Tolkein-like daggers.

IF YOU CLICKED ON ME, YOUR MIGHT BE PRETTY LUCKY LOL ” DON’T LUST FOR WHAT YOU SEE, DESIRE WHAT YOU KNOW” PRETTY DEEP HUH??? WELL IM 30 YEARS OLD FROM BROOKLYN , New York. I WORK OUT/ TRAIN 5 DAYS A WEEK.IM VERY INTO HEALTH & FITNESS. I AM AS REAL AS THEY COME!!IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME THEN WRITE ME AND LEARN ABOUT ME. I HAVE A HEART OF GOLD,ILL GIVE U THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK FOR ALL THOSE I LOVE AND CARE ABOUT. PLEASE ” DON’T MISTAKE MY KINDNESS, AS A WEAKNESS” TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS. IM VERY VERY LOYAL,FRIENDLY,CARIN G ,REAL, SENSITIVE AND LOVING . YES IM A CANCER. I’m very intelligent and I’m very confident in myself. I’m very family oriented. I love spending time with my family and friends. I have the greatest friends, they are always there for me. I HAVE TAUGHT FROM GRADES PRE K- HS. I love the medical field as well.I love reading about medical information.Im very interested in the financial world.Im very affectionate.I LOVE WHEN A GUY HOLDS ME & KISSES ME. U MUST BE ABLE TO CARRY A GOOD CONVO WITH ME AND PERSONALITY MATTERS BIG TIME.I CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BASICALLY,IM ALWAYS UP FOR A CHALLENGING CONVERSATION. I LOVE INTELLIGENT GUYS,NOTHING LIKE A INTELLIGENT GUY. I LIKE WHEN A GUY TAKES GOOD CARE OF HIMSELF -MEANING IN GREAT SHAPE ( ATHLETIC BODY ,RIPPED OR MUSCLAR ) MMM CARES ABOUT HIS BODY AND WORKS OUT:) I CARE HOW ABOUT HOW I LOOK, SO I BELIEVE A GUY SHOULD DEFINENTLY TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIMSELF. I very knowledgeable about the banking field.I am a very sincere, & honest person.Im such a nurturer to those I love and care about.I LOVE A GUY THAT IS A GREAT KISSER. I LOVE A GOOD MOVIE LIKE ACTION,DRAMA, COMEDY AND ROMANTIC:) I LOVE ALL TYPES OF MUSIC .” I LOVE ROMANTIC GUYS,THAT MEANS ROMANTIC DINNERS, ROSES & AFFECTIONATE GUYS APPLY. I love to write, Well maybe since I Actually taught writing! I love reading a good piece of writing. Im very deep & love to read quotes by Machiavelli,Plato,Ar istotle,Jung,Socrates &Descartes.

I am a nerd.

I have contacted the U.S. Census and Department of Forestry and have calculated the number of Christmas trees slain since 1830 here in the United States.

After hours of geekish research, I have estimated 2.4 billion Christmas trees have been wiped out.

With the average tree density of a normal forest, that equates to 75,000 square miles (roughly the size of the entire state of South Dakota).

If you assume the mean height is 6 ft. and were to stack the trees end to end, they would go around the Earth 118 times or create 15 columns extending to the Moon
(approximately 186, 000 miles away).

I then asked myself, “Who lives in the forest?”
I know that Winnie the Pooh lives in “The Hundred Acres Wood”. So feasibly, one could deduce that every hundred acres produces one Pooh bear. Since seventy-five thousand square miles have been destroyed, the blood of a half a million Pooh bears rest on the shoulders of the paganistic ritual of Christians.

A Poohicide.

Jesus was a Jew, but he also was an anti-Poohite.

Merry Christmas!

I completely forgot that when I was twelve years old that I swore my allegiance to Jesus. What jogged my memory?
When Christocrat John Hagee, pastor of the 17,000 member Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, TX, endorsed John McCain, it raised my Holy Spirit from the dead.

If you are unaware of what Hagee represents, here are some interesting articles: here and here.

To sum up his beliefs: Harry Potter is heresy, Dan Brown is a shadow writer for Satan, if Gays were snot then Hurricane Katrina was God’s Kleenex, wants Christians to bear arms and call a jihad against Iran and the Pope helped Hitler.

Amazingly, this is the church I attended from 1983 to 1987. My head was actucally dipped by his chubby, well-fed, manicured, decorated with diamond-cluster ringed fingers.

Wow. I hope the Muslims aren’t right and Allah doesn’t hold this against me. I was a only a child.

However, I know that excuse will not hold up because Hagee made sure that we were very cognitive of our decision to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour. The last thing he wanted of his congregation was to baptize their next generation like the ignorant Catholic sheeple. His followers must embrace a baptism like a rite of passage. He refused to baptize an infant.

When I was in the back, undressing and placing on my robe with the other un-saved heathen children I was very nervous. You could hear the murmur of the 3,000 members of the church sitting in their pew/stadium and the organist playing a solemn prelude as background music.

Hagee approached us as if we were at the Super Bowl. He barked in his signature cadence, “I refuse to baptize anyone who does accept the Grace of God. Do you all understand this!?”

“Yes!”, we said in unison.

“Do you except Jesus as your Lord and Saviour!?”, he yelled.

“Yes!”

“Say it!”

“We except Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour!”

I started to feel light-headed like we were a pack of Neanderthals getting ready to take down a saber-toothed tiger. I started to hyperventilate and I wasn’t the only one. It was infectious.

“Do you love Jesus?!” he bellowed.

“Yes!”

“Let me hear it!!”

“We love Jesus! We love Jesus!. We love Jesus!!”

“Now you have the Holy Spirit! Let us bring you to the congregation and save your souls at last!.”

At this point, I literally felt nauseous, I was overwhelmed. I vaguely remember what happened after that. I numbly followed the person in front of me. I remember the water being colder than I thought it would be. Thousands of people were on their feet, waving their hands and praising Jesus. He slapped his beefy hand on my forehead, placed his other hand on my back and then pushed me back into the water while holding my nose at the same time. The deafening roar of the congregation was silenced while I was purged of my “sins”. As I surfaced, I felt disoriented much like the thawing Han Solo after being carbon frozen by Jabba the Hut.

Again…if you [Allah] are reading this. Please take this into consideration. That goes for David Koresh, John Smith, the Jews’ mystery Messiah and anyone I’m leaving out.

I wish I wasn’t agnostic and commit to atheism. It would be so much more simple.

A few years ago I was standing in front of the iconic Bowery Poetry Club which is across the street from the infamous but now closed CBGB. I was smoking a cigarette with fellow performers and I confessed,
“Even though I’m not that religious, I feel a little guilty because I woke up this morning, masturbated and then realized it was Easter.” Before anyone could respond, a guy standing next to us started to mumble, “An erection, a resurrection…he had an erection on a resurrection…An erection, a resurrection…(repeat)”.

I would have normally dismissed the guy as a “normal”, crazy homeless guy but I noticed the marquee stating that Jim Carroll, the author of The Basketball Diaries, was performing in a half hour. So instead of walking away from him like my friends did, I approached him and offered him a cigarette. Next thing I now I’m listening to a personalized spoken word piece about my erection and Jesus. Groovy.

Wikipedia tells me Jim was born in 1950 but I was shocked to see how old he actually looked. I would say he was in between Zsa Zsa Gábor and the Crypt Keeper.

The government would save so much money on the War on Drugs if they just took Mr. Carroll on tour to high schools across America. All they would have to do is introduce him to the class and say, “You can do drugs but…” and make an awkward, cartoon-y side glance to Jim. Done.