religion

religion / sci-fi — No Comments
2
Mar 10

Why Did Yoda Die So Young?

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:45:49. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion / sexuality — No Comments
10
Jan 10

I Have a Sexual Confession

I’ve developed a fetish for Jewish girls (aka Matzah Ball Fever). To be more specific, Sephardic Jews (”Jews of the Spanish rite”) over Ashkenazi Jews (”Jews of the German rite”). I’m guessing that my preferential attraction for Sephardic women derives from my upbringing in south Texas and I’ve always had an affinity for Hispanic women.

I was fantasizing the other night that I was in a ménage à trois with two Orthodox Jewish girls in a hotel room. It was pretty kinky because I had to cut two holes in the sheets but I felt bad for the maid the next day because she probably thought that I had a threesome with a ghost and a Klansman.

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Originally posted 2007-07-02 23:08:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

food / religion — 2 Comments
6
Jan 10

Four Questions of Pesach (Passover)

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Ultra-Orthodox Jew

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Orthodox Jew

Mah nishtanah ha-lahylah ha-zeh mi-kol ha-layloht, mi-kol ha-layloht?

1.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin chameytz u-matzah, chameytz u-matzah. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, kooloh matzah?

2.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin sh’ar y’rakot, sh’ar y’rakot. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, maror?

3.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht ayn anu mat’bilin afilu pa’am echat, afilu pa’am echat. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, sh’tay p’amim?

4.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin bayn yosh’bin u’vayn m’soobin, bayn yosh’bin u’vayn m’soobin. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, koolanu m’soobin?

Conservative Jew

Why is this night different from all other nights?

1.)
Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?

2.)
Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?

3.)
Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?

4.)
Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?

Reformed Jew

Why do we do this?

1.)
What time is dinner?

2.)
What are we having for dinner?

3.)
What are we having for dessert?

4.)
Who’s cleaning up?

Messianic Jew (aka Jew For Jesus)

What would Jesus do at a Seder?

1.)
Are Elijah and Miriam Easter bunnies?

2.)
Why do I get laughed at when I tell people what I believe in?

3.)
Why are a growing number of indecisive Jews for Jesus becoming transvestites?

4.)
Who are we kidding?

Anti-Semitic Christian

Why do Jews act crazy this time of year?

1.)
Why the hell are they afraid of bread?

2.)
Why do they get so many days off?

3.)
Why aren’t there laws to arrest them for using Christian blood in their satanic rituals?

4.)
Why are there so many Jews?

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Originally posted 2008-04-16 15:40:51. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion — 1 Comment
28
Dec 09

Does God hate us?

Why is it so fucking hot? I’m going to get baptized this Sunday to cool down.

Originally posted 2006-07-11 15:43:15. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion — No Comments
22
Dec 09

Knock Offs of L. Ron Hubbard’s Scientology

DIURETICS by L. Ron Espresso

DIABETICS by L. Ron Brimely

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HYDROPONICS by L. Ron Pufnstuf

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Originally posted 2006-03-14 21:01:21. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion / sci-fi — No Comments
16
Dec 09

Darth Vader was the Fallen Angel

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

Originally posted 2005-05-23 14:01:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

mathematics / religion — 6 Comments
12
Dec 09

Huckabee wants to Re-design the Pentagon

It was a huge victory for Evangelical Christians at the Iowa Caucus. Their “Christ” has risen in form of a former governor of Arkansas named Mike Huckabee.

It’s interesting that he governed Arkansas because if you dissect the word “Arkansas”, it’s basically “Ark” and “Kansas” merged as one.

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Which makes sense because Kansas legislators decided that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution should be optional and the Theory of Intelligent Design(ID) should be also taught and let the students decide.

Feeling more powerful and confident that Middle America is behind him, Huckabee is now campaigning against the actual geometric shape of the Pentagon because it can be inscribed with a Satanic pentacle.


This fiery, five-sided, paganistic polygon has been the official symbol for Satan since the birth of mankind. If they succeed,the Department of Defense will be renamed the Department of Divine Defense and the construction of a new, twelve-sided building called the Dodecagon, fashioned into the shape of a cross, will replace the Satanic star.

“Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaitra les siens.”
-Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux,during the Fourth Crusade, outside the fortified city of Beziers in July,1209

Which translates to,“Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth them that are His.”

or

“Kill’em all, let God sort ‘em out!” in Marine talk

UPDATE:

Dark Phoenix on 11.10.07 at 8:32 pm

the five sided star is NOT a satanic symbol! it is an ancient symbol representing female divinity. the satanic star is upside down! please research something before you make comments on it. you really sound like an idiot

So sorry, Dark Phoenix…

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I apologize for being off by 40 degrees to the right. Satan forgive me for I have sinned. I am an idiot…oh Dark Phoenix.

PS. How can a Phoenix be dark? A little oxymoronic if you ask me but then again I’m the idiot.

PSS. I love you Dark Phoenix.

PSSS. As an idiot, I love other idiots.
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Originally posted 2008-01-07 08:02:09. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics / religion — No Comments
11
Dec 09

I Don’t Understand PETA

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, “When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Colored and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:18:29. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion — 2 Comments
8
Dec 09

I’m not a big fan of Christianity…

…but since I grew up as one I still feel awkward when people use the Lord’s name in vain.

So whenever I hear someone yell out, “Jesus Christ!!”

My brainwashed mind automatically amends what I hear by adding,

“Jesus Christ…was a real cool dude.”

Obviously, I do this secretly without losing street cred with my atheist and agnostic friends.

Although its one of the Ten Commandments, Christians seem to be the biggest offenders.

Recently, I was getting my oil change and the mechanic had a gold cross on a chain around his neck and a Footprints in the Sand poster on the wall. He accidentily bumped his head on the hood and screamed out,

“Jesus fucking Christ!!”

I was having a hard time morphing it into a positive statement. Then I realized it wasn’t so bad. Jesus is Christ and Christ is Jesus. So he really was just saying, “Jesus is masturbating” only incredibly loud. That’s not that horrible, unless of course you’re Catholic.

Then I imagined Jesus masturbating on Easter, and these five words resonated in my head:

A resurrection of an erection.

Originally posted 2006-05-06 23:23:49. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion — No Comments
5
Dec 09

People occassionally ask me if my Jewish girlfriend is Ashkenazic or Sephardic.

Fortunately, she’s Sephardic because I have trouble pronouncing Ashkenazic.

Someone told me the easiest way to remember how to pronounce is by saying, ‘Ask-a-Nazi’

Fuck that guy!

I’d rather mispronounce it.

Originally posted 2005-12-27 22:05:20. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion — 2 Comments
2
Dec 09

Satanism isn’t so Bad

The one and only thing I respect about the Church of Satan is that they don’t try to push their religion down the throat of every passerby. They are actually a very secretive sect that tends to practice incognito.

Unlike their nemesis, Christians are on every street corner, subway, pamphlet and even knocking on our doors. Preaching the “word”. Which is fine, but they don’t have to be sneaky about it.

I recently recieved an email that had this added at the end. It had nothing to do with the content of the email, but the sender felt empowered to give me unsolicited theological advice (the best kind in my book).
“You exist only because God wills that you exist.
You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense.
It is only in God that we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny. Every other path leads to a dead end.”

The worst offenders are the pamphlet guys. They strategically stand outside subways stops and slyly ask, “Hey man, you want something to read?” Unsuspecting riders take it to pass the time on their commute but are disappointed by the deception. I once observed a guy who took a pamphlet, glanced at it, immediately threw it away and muttered, “Jesus shit!”

I don’t mind Sikh pamphlets. At least they have pictures of cool Tolkein-like daggers.

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Originally posted 2006-04-29 17:38:45. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment / religion — 1 Comment
30
Nov 09

I Don’t Understand PETA

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, “When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for:
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Coloreds and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

2006logo_aida.gif

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

k011.JPG

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

Originally posted 2006-10-13 23:15:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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