Old steel mills in Pittsburgh are being fired up to melt beams from Oklahoma City’s Federal Building, wings from Pearl Harbor and salvaged pieces of the Lusitania.

The government is still trying to incorporate fragment’s of the Alamo, panel’s from Space Shuttle Columbia and wood from Custer’s Last Stand.

The Smithsonian donated the only surviving material from the Hindenburg to be woven into the original Iwo Jima flag which will be raised when it fires its cannons on “terror”.

Think I’m lying click here.

Falluja (or الفلوجة) is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation.

INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains.

Used in a sentence:

I Tivo The Simpsons and have seen this commercial on FOX several times now. The first couple times I thought it was part of the show, then it dawned on me that it was real.

I know this may sound crazy but I’m going to throw this out anyways, “I don’t feel confident in Homeland Security.”

Within 24 hours of Obi-Wan Kenobi's death, Death Star stormtroopers began to post “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. ~Yoda” on their Helmetbook© wall.

I was asked to blog in the voice of Bill O’ Reilly.

Here’s my 6/4/07 entry:

I couldn’t stop thinking about AC last night. She consumes my thoughts. Imagining her whispering right-wing rhetoric into my ear at night makes my body quiver like a little Asian schoolgirl. As a teenager I use to watch the The Addam’s Family and would get an erection anytime Morticia would speak French into Gomez’s ear.

“When I first saw you from afar, My heart flamed with fierce passion. And when you spoke French, ooh-la-la!…”

Except, I would puke if she spoke in the guttural, non-coherent, amphibious language of freedom-haters. Not to mention AC’s spectacular boobs arouse me more than any FOX intern I’ve ever met or hired. Not that I would ever suggest that I would hire a person solely on the size of their mammary glands (but it always helps ☺).

After Googling her for hours and drinking a Viagra cocktail and listening to my favorite Kenny Rogers CD, I felt weird and a little stalker-ey. You know Mark Foley-ish but with a woman not a page (although I’m sure that some liberal made him do it. Read here).

My eyes ached, my lower back was killing me and I felt my mouse finger cramping up so I decided to go to bed. However, AC is my crack. I needed one more hit. So as I began my ritual of clearing my history trail so my wife wouldn’t know what I was trolling the Web, I was unable to control my fingers as they typed “A** C****** sexy” into the search box. I was shocked and confused when one of the results was titled, “C****** Comes Out as Transvestite Trickster”.

The reason I was “shocked and confused” was because my state of arousal heightened, my face became flush and my heart raced. It all made sense. I never could understand how a woman could be able to produce such wonderful ideas and be my equal in the war against liberal faggots.

I passed out on the couch in my study and dreamed that we made sweet love. I’ll let you guess who was the top and who was the bottom.

(Hint: Jack was my favorite character)

Ever since the Roe vs. Wade case, the topic of abortion has been a heated debate between two factions:

Pro-Life
opponents of the legalization of abortion

and

Pro Choice
advocates of the legalization of abortion.

Two new groups have developed recently:

Pro-Create
a group of Catholic missionaries living in Tahiti who are advocates of promiscuious breeding habits.

Pro-Pane
a small cult of petroleum workers outside of Houston, Texas who are advocates of illegal abortions.

I don’t understand how people can narrow down all the important variables in a candidate into one particular issue. The single-narrow mindedness is maddening. There are a plethora of reasons to despise a politician. i.e…perpetuating the oppression of Cubans through our ridiculous embargo, non-involvement in Sudan, not being proactive in dispensing generic drugs to fight HIV in South Africa, not focusing on alternative energy sources like geothermal, tidal, or biomass fuel technology…and a hundred thousand other problems that need to be addressed.

Most jackasses can determine whom they will vote for simply by labeling the individual, “Pro-Life” or “Pro-Choice”. I’m not dismissing abortion as an insignificant matter. Personally, I’m not a big fan of it. However, that only pertains to the one I’m involved with and myself. I couldn’t care less what other individuals do. Does that make me an apathetic dick? Who knows?

Pro-Lifers say that every life is precious, and that you could be killing the next Mozart, Einstein, or Mother Teresa.

I see it differently.

Imagine if Mr. and Mrs. Hutt † had decided Planned Parenthood would have been a better choice instead giving life to their child. If they would have done that, the citizens of the desert planet of Tatooine wouldn’t have had to live their entire lives in fear because of one bloated, slug lord named Jabba. Obviously, he terrorized others because he was projecting his own insecurities caused by feelings of abandonment from his shitty parents. In addition, his self-esteem was non-existent due to his ongoing battle with his weight problem. Four bags of frogs and a couple of Jawas for lunch can’t be healthy. Jabba the Hutt’s life is precious?! He should have been aborted.

Granted, the original scene at Mos Eisley Cantina, where Han Solo blasted the bounty hunter, Greedo ‡, who was trying to collect♠ for the Abortion-Survivor, wouldn’t have taken place. Consequently, Luke and Obi-Wan wouldn’t have escaped on the Millennium Falcon which would have triggered a Butterfly Effect and the Death Star could still be fully operational to this day. However, that conflicts with my original hypothesis of killing Jabba at birth. Perhaps, Darth Vader should have been aborted. Unfortunately, Mr. Vader was formerly known as Anakin Skywalker. Which would have deleted Luke from the equation and he wouldn’t been able to fire his Proton Torpedoes down the exhaust shafts of the aforementioned Weapon of Mass Destruction. Quite the conundrum. In conclusion, I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

Dear people of America, let’s take it easy on Trump. He has all the classic ingredients to become a supervillian. He’s uber-rich, not liked, dreams of world domination and has been humiliated in public. He’s one acid-in-the-face accident away from becoming the next Cobra Commander.

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

I received that idiotic mass email about Obama (Re: Fw: FW: [Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama) and I mass responded debunking the “facts”, cut and paste pro-Obama material and cc’ed everyone whose inbox was involuntarily raped by this slanderous list of lies about OB.

Then I got an email from a “lady” named Maggie.

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Re: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama
From: “Maggie” < ??????@centurytel.com>
Date: Tue, February 05, 2008 6:21 pm
To: “Dan Allen”

I do not know you and do not appreciate receiving this email.
If you are embarrassed by showing your US passport while going to different countries, then perhaps you should stay in one of those other countries.
I will put your email address in my “do not accept” file.

Proud to be an American.

Here’s my response:

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama
From: “Dan Allen”
Date: Tue, February 05, 2008 6:23 pm
To: “Maggie” < ??????@centurytel.com>

Wow.

You are right. I don’t know you and I’m glad I don’t.

As for “proud to be an American”, really? When is the last time you traveled abroad?

As for my patriotism, I served in the USAF, my father was drafted for Vietnam, his father was drafted for WWII and served under Patton during the Battle of the Bulge. In fact, I can trace my family all the way back to the Revolutionary War.

That’s just my father’s side.

My only advice to you is: Read more.

As much as my email offended you. I felt the same receiving that idiotic Obama email.

I’m not saying you sent it to me but I wanted to make sure that all the people that received it have a chance to see it from a different perspective.

I’m sure you will not read this and the this will go directly to your “do not accept” file. You have been single-narrowed minded your entire life. Why would you change now?

Not proud to be an American (for now),
Dan

I felt is was my obligation as an American to send this to my friend Michael at WorstEmailEver.com

And now this:

My friend Christian turned me onto this long ago and I believe he discovered it through our friend Victor. Thank you, Victor, for this gem.

Enjoy and God Bless America!

Albeit, “sometimes” is every thirty years.

Here’s one act that didn’t suck: Endangered Species Act of 1973

Since it was the groovy-peace-love-and-microdot 70′s, the act was passed by Congress with overwhelming majorities. In the House of Representatives, the vote in favor of the bill was 390-12 and in the Senate, it was 92-0.

My question is: Who were the twelve Representatives that had the panda-hating-tree-chopping-balls-soaked-in-crude-oil to vote against it?

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, “When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Colored and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

Biologists have discovered that male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals.

Dr. Frank Riden has theorized that by sleeping upside-down, these flying rodents are over-dosing their brain with oxygenated blood.

He has concluded that too much O₂ leads to homosexuality.

Dr. Riden has tested his OLH Theory with human scuba divers and found divers using pure O₂ rather than trimix tanks had gayer tendencies. This makes sense because the U.S. Census reported that coastal cities which have higher percentage of scuba divers have the highest population of same-sex cohabitating couples.

Photosynthesis is a process that fuels plants by converting carbon dioxide, water and light into energy and releasing O₂ as a byproduct.

According to Dr. Riden, the tropical rainforest is not only sustaining our ecosystem but also our fashion and entertainment industry as well.

Currently, he’s working on a connection with the over abundant appearences of “rainbows” in these over-oxygenated areas.

We have all done something in our lifetime that we are ashamed of and would be mortified if our actions came to light. Be it a night in jail, a transaction with a prostitute or the thousand hours you spent playing Dungeon and Dragons as a teenager. Of course I’m speaking about other people. I’m one of the few people with no skeletons. My closet door is wide open. Please do not to be confused with the closet door of homosexuals. That door is still closed but not closed because I’m a closeted homosexual. It’s just a different door often confused with the closet containing people’s skeletons. In fact, I don’t even know where my sexual closet is located. I live in NYC and I can’t afford a closet. So I guess I’m a eunuch. I can’t wait to be wealthy enough to afford a closet.

But I digress…

The skeleton that I’m speaking about is the closet of the company Degussa that is jammed with the amount of bones it would take to construct a Tyrannosaurus Rex. They were contracted out by the German government to coat the concrete slabs constructed for the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe with an anti-graffiti substance called Protectosil. One small caveat: Degussa is a subsidiary of Degesch, the infamous manufacturer of Zyklon B, the gas used in gas chambers during the Holocaust. Now I have to come clean and say that I’ve fucked up at various jobs throughout my life: As a waiter I dropped a bowl of potato soup into a dude’s dreadlocks and another time I forgot to chain the door of an arcade which was burglarized that evening. But to be “The Guy” who authorized the payment of million dollars to a company that helped kill a million Jews has to be the winner of the “Most Douchiest Douche Award”.

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.