politics « Dan Allen

politics

politics — No Comments
6
Mar 10

Sometimes the Government Doesn’t Suck

Albeit, “sometimes” is every thirty years.

Here’s one act that didn’t suck: Endangered Species Act of 1973

Since it was the groovy-peace-love-and-microdot 70’s, the act was passed by Congress with overwhelming majorities. In the House of Representatives, the vote in favor of the bill was 390-12 and in the Senate, it was 92-0.

My question is: Who were the twelve Representatives that had the panda-hating-tree-chopping-balls-soaked-in-crude-oil to vote against it?

Originally posted 2007-09-21 17:22:17. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics / science — No Comments
24
Feb 10

Stars are Born In Cold Interstellar Clouds

Universal Ultimate Court Judges ruled unanimously in favor of giving nebulae clouds the right to abort a star in the controversial Roe Nebula vs. Wade Star Cluster.

In a similar case, the Court denied the Schiavo Nebula the right to reactivate the Artificial Hydrogen-Fusion Particle Generator in one of their stars, which has sustained the life cycle of the star located within the Terri Solar System for the last 15 million years. The Local Galaxy Leader issued a subpoena to stop the action of the court last Friday. The Court ignored the subpoena. Pro-Black Holers rejoiced in the crucial court decision, which would plant the seed of legalized supernovanasia.

Originally posted 2005-03-31 13:41:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / people / politics — 1 Comment
23
Feb 10

‘Pretend to be an Illegal Alien’ Weekend Getaway

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

Originally posted 2008-02-14 13:57:06. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / politics — No Comments
18
Feb 10

Surge of Violins in Baghdad

More and more Iraqi insurgents are becoming violin makers. Flooding the market with millions of mass-produced yet exquisite instruments. The Iraqi “Stradivarius” has become the “Model-T” of Baghdad.

The world observes helplessly as these finely-crafted, musical masterpieces are being forced upon the unsuspecting cilvilians.

When will the violins stop!

Originally posted 2006-10-30 12:05:21. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics / wordplay — 2 Comments
10
Feb 10

What does Falluja mean in Arabic?

Falluja (or الفلوجة) is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation.

INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains.

Used in a sentence:

Mother

Dammit Billy, this better not be your falluja on the quilt your Grandmother made…I swear to God, you are buying the next bottle of INSURGENT®!

Originally posted 2006-01-13 13:35:16. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics — 2 Comments
24
Jan 10

Condoleezza Rice flosses with socks.

Originally posted 2005-06-28 22:41:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics — 1 Comment
22
Jan 10

New Abortion Groups

Ever since the Roe vs. Wade case, the topic of abortion has been a heated debate between two factions:

Pro-Life
opponents of the legalization of abortion

and

Pro Choice
advocates of the legalization of abortion.

Two new groups have developed recently:

Pro-Create
a group of Catholic missionaries living in Tahiti who are advocates of promiscuious breeding habits.

Pro-Pane
a small cult of petroleum workers outside of Houston, Texas who are advocates of illegal abortions.

Originally posted 2005-09-12 17:53:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment / politics — No Comments
17
Jan 10

Transamerica

I was asked to blog in the voice of Bill O’ Reilly.

Here’s my 6/4/07 entry:

I couldn’t stop thinking about AC last night. She consumes my thoughts. Imagining her whispering right-wing rhetoric into my ear at night makes my body quiver like a little Asian schoolgirl. As a teenager I use to watch the The Addam’s Family and would get an erection anytime Morticia would speak French into Gomez’s ear.

“When I first saw you from afar, My heart flamed with fierce passion. And when you spoke French, ooh-la-la!…”

Except, I would puke if she spoke in the guttural, non-coherent, amphibious language of freedom-haters. Not to mention AC’s spectacular boobs arouse me more than any FOX intern I’ve ever met or hired. Not that I would ever suggest that I would hire a person solely on the size of their mammary glands (but it always helps ☺).

After Googling her for hours and drinking a Viagra cocktail and listening to my favorite Kenny Rogers CD, I felt weird and a little stalker-ey. You know Mark Foley-ish but with a woman not a page (although I’m sure that some liberal made him do it. Read here).

My eyes ached, my lower back was killing me and I felt my mouse finger cramping up so I decided to go to bed. However, AC is my crack. I needed one more hit. So as I began my ritual of clearing my history trail so my wife wouldn’t know what I was trolling the Web, I was unable to control my fingers as they typed “A** C****** sexy” into the search box. I was shocked and confused when one of the results was titled, “C****** Comes Out as Transvestite Trickster”.

The reason I was “shocked and confused” was because my state of arousal heightened, my face became flush and my heart raced. It all made sense. I never could understand how a woman could be able to produce such wonderful ideas and be my equal in the war against liberal faggots.

I passed out on the couch in my study and dreamed that we made sweet love. I’ll let you guess who was the top and who was the bottom.

(Hint: Jack was my favorite character)

Originally posted 2007-11-08 12:45:14. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics — 2 Comments
14
Jan 10

Is the FOX Channel the best place to recruit for CIA agents?

I Tivo The Simpsons and have seen this commercial on FOX several times now. The first couple times I thought it was part of the show, then it dawned on me that it was real.

I know this may sound crazy but I’m going to throw this out anyways, “I don’t feel confident in Homeland Security.”

Originally posted 2006-09-27 11:01:59. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

mathematics / politics — No Comments
12
Jan 10

MTA Lies!!

I bought an “Unlimited” Monthly MetroCard for only $70. What a fucking steal! An infinite amount of rides would reduce the normal $2 fare down to less than a trillionth of a penny. Idiots! I would be able to go any where…at anytime.

The deception was revealed, when I mistakenly entered a DOWNTOWN entrance and had to exit and go across the street to the UPTOWN. I was denied access, and the turnstile read: “JUST USED.”

Surely, a mistake—I informed the subway station booth agent that there was a system error. I told the agent that my “Unlimited” MetroCard was defected, and I needed another one. She said that there wasn’t anything wrong with the card, and I just needed to wait 18 minutes.

Horseshit! They can not limit my “Unlimited” card!!

MTA propagandists are mathematical wizards with a diabolical advertising campaign. Millions of New Yorkers are swindled everyday because they can not see though the promotional trickery.

It’s not an “Unlimited”, it’s only 2400 rides. (43,200 minutes in a month divided by 18)

Do they think we are fucking morons? Which number is bigger 2400 or INFINITE?Hmmm….That’s 3 cents a ride.

That is 3 trillion more than I expected, not acceptable.

Everyone should write a letter to the MTA officials in Brooklyn and demand the masquerade stop.

They should be straight with us; $70 will buy you a “Limited” 2400 Ride Card.

Case closed.

Originally posted 2006-01-04 16:45:41. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics — 6 Comments
11
Jan 10

Conservatives Destroy Rainforests Because They are Homophobic

Biologists have discovered that male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals.

Dr. Frank Riden has theorized that by sleeping upside-down, these flying rodents are over-dosing their brain with oxygenated blood.

He has concluded that too much O₂ leads to homosexuality.

Dr. Riden has tested his OLH Theory with human scuba divers and found divers using pure O₂ rather than trimix tanks had gayer tendencies. This makes sense because the U.S. Census reported that coastal cities which have higher percentage of scuba divers have the highest population of same-sex cohabitating couples.

Photosynthesis is a process that fuels plants by converting carbon dioxide, water and light into energy and releasing O₂ as a byproduct.

According to Dr. Riden, the tropical rainforest is not only sustaining our ecosystem but also our fashion and entertainment industry as well.

Currently, he’s working on a connection with the over abundant appearences of “rainbows” in these over-oxygenated areas.

Originally posted 2006-07-13 12:12:50. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment / politics — No Comments
1
Jan 10

France’s Capital is in Danger (Google-wise)

When you Google the word “Paris”, the results are an astounding 533,000,000 pages relating to La Ville-lumière or if you are an unwashed, Bush-loving, war-mongering American, “The City of Lights“.

Well almost…it appears the 6,200 year old city is barely beating out the infamous slutebrity heiress Paris Hilton. She’s the the eleventh hit on the “Web” search but she has unbelievably pushed her way to the number two spot on the “Image” search.

Heed my warning: The canary may have not died in her cage but our soulless, narcissistic, gluttonous, meaningless-media-crazed empire is crumbling. Paris Hilton is the catalyst for an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine that will result in the decimation of human life as we know.

Future historians (if there are any) will compare 21st century’s fascination with Paris Hilton with the 1914 assassination of the Archduke Francis Fernidad which was the spark that ignited WWI.

You heard it from TaoOfDan.com: This is the beginning of the end.

Originally posted 2007-07-01 22:31:48. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Dan AllenNYC-based producer and storyteller