Danocrates discusses politics

(Hint: 9/11 = Nine divided by eleven)

Perhaps this is why I was virgin until I was 19. Here are some other reasons.

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

I received that idiotic mass email about Obama (Re: Fw: FW: [Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama) and I mass responded debunking the “facts”, cut and paste pro-Obama material and cc’ed everyone whose inbox was involuntarily raped by this slanderous list of lies about OB.

Then I got an email from a “lady” named Maggie.

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Re: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama
From: “Maggie” < ??????@centurytel.com>
Date: Tue, February 05, 2008 6:21 pm
To: “Dan Allen”

I do not know you and do not appreciate receiving this email.
If you are embarrassed by showing your US passport while going to different countries, then perhaps you should stay in one of those other countries.
I will put your email address in my “do not accept” file.

Proud to be an American.

Here’s my response:

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fw: FW: Fwd: Fw: FW: Barack Hussien Obama
From: “Dan Allen”
Date: Tue, February 05, 2008 6:23 pm
To: “Maggie” < ??????@centurytel.com>

Wow.

You are right. I don’t know you and I’m glad I don’t.

As for “proud to be an American”, really? When is the last time you traveled abroad?

As for my patriotism, I served in the USAF, my father was drafted for Vietnam, his father was drafted for WWII and served under Patton during the Battle of the Bulge. In fact, I can trace my family all the way back to the Revolutionary War.

That’s just my father’s side.

My only advice to you is: Read more.

As much as my email offended you. I felt the same receiving that idiotic Obama email.

I’m not saying you sent it to me but I wanted to make sure that all the people that received it have a chance to see it from a different perspective.

I’m sure you will not read this and the this will go directly to your “do not accept” file. You have been single-narrowed minded your entire life. Why would you change now?

Not proud to be an American (for now),
Dan

I felt is was my obligation as an American to send this to my friend Michael at WorstEmailEver.com

And now this:

My friend Christian turned me onto this long ago and I believe he discovered it through our friend Victor. Thank you, Victor, for this gem.

Enjoy and God Bless America!

I was asked to blog in the voice of Bill O’ Reilly.

Here’s my 6/4/07 entry:

I couldn’t stop thinking about AC last night. She consumes my thoughts. Imagining her whispering right-wing rhetoric into my ear at night makes my body quiver like a little Asian schoolgirl. As a teenager I use to watch the The Addam’s Family and would get an erection anytime Morticia would speak French into Gomez’s ear.

“When I first saw you from afar, My heart flamed with fierce passion. And when you spoke French, ooh-la-la!…”

Except, I would puke if she spoke in the guttural, non-coherent, amphibious language of freedom-haters. Not to mention AC’s spectacular boobs arouse me more than any FOX intern I’ve ever met or hired. Not that I would ever suggest that I would hire a person solely on the size of their mammary glands (but it always helps ☺).

After Googling her for hours and drinking a Viagra cocktail and listening to my favorite Kenny Rogers CD, I felt weird and a little stalker-ey. You know Mark Foley-ish but with a woman not a page (although I’m sure that some liberal made him do it. Read here).

My eyes ached, my lower back was killing me and I felt my mouse finger cramping up so I decided to go to bed. However, AC is my crack. I needed one more hit. So as I began my ritual of clearing my history trail so my wife wouldn’t know what I was trolling the Web, I was unable to control my fingers as they typed “A** C****** sexy” into the search box. I was shocked and confused when one of the results was titled, “C****** Comes Out as Transvestite Trickster”.

The reason I was “shocked and confused” was because my state of arousal heightened, my face became flush and my heart raced. It all made sense. I never could understand how a woman could be able to produce such wonderful ideas and be my equal in the war against liberal faggots.

I passed out on the couch in my study and dreamed that we made sweet love. I’ll let you guess who was the top and who was the bottom.

(Hint: Jack was my favorite character)

Albeit, “sometimes” is every thirty years.

Here’s one act that didn’t suck: Endangered Species Act of 1973

Since it was the groovy-peace-love-and-microdot 70’s, the act was passed by Congress with overwhelming majorities. In the House of Representatives, the vote in favor of the bill was 390-12 and in the Senate, it was 92-0.

My question is: Who were the twelve Representatives that had the panda-hating-tree-chopping-balls-soaked-in-crude-oil to vote against it?

When you Google the word “Paris”, the results are an astounding 533,000,000 pages relating to La Ville-lumière or if you are an unwashed, Bush-loving, war-mongering American, “The City of Lights“.

Well almost…it appears the 6,200 year old city is barely beating out the infamous slutebrity heiress Paris Hilton. She’s the the eleventh hit on the “Web” search but she has unbelievably pushed her way to the number two spot on the “Image” search.

Heed my warning: The canary may have not died in her cage but our soulless, narcissistic, gluttonous, meaningless-media-crazed empire is crumbling. Paris Hilton is the catalyst for an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine that will result in the decimation of human life as we know.

Future historians (if there are any) will compare 21st century’s fascination with Paris Hilton with the 1914 assassination of the Archduke Francis Fernidad which was the spark that ignited WWI.

You heard it from TaoOfDan.com: This is the beginning of the end.

We have all done something in our lifetime that we are ashamed of and would be mortified if our actions came to light. Be it a night in jail, a transaction with a prostitute or the thousand hours you spent playing Dungeon and Dragons as a teenager. Of course I’m speaking about other people. I’m one of the few people with no skeletons. My closet door is wide open. Please do not to be confused with the closet door of homosexuals. That door is still closed but not closed because I’m a closeted homosexual. It’s just a different door often confused with the closet containing people’s skeletons. In fact, I don’t even know where my sexual closet is located. I live in NYC and I can’t afford a closet. So I guess I’m a eunuch. I can’t wait to be wealthy enough to afford a closet.

But I digress…

The skeleton that I’m speaking about is the closet of the company Degussa that is jammed with the amount of bones it would take to construct a Tyrannosaurus Rex. They were contracted out by the German government to coat the concrete slabs constructed for the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe with an anti-graffiti substance called Protectosil. One small caveat: Degussa is a subsidiary of Degesch, the infamous manufacturer of Zyklon B, the gas used in gas chambers during the Holocaust. Now I have to come clean and say that I’ve fucked up at various jobs throughout my life: As a waiter I dropped a bowl of potato soup into a dude’s dreadlocks and another time I forgot to chain the door of an arcade which was burglarized that evening. But to be “The Guy” who authorized the payment of million dollars to a company that helped kill a million Jews has to be the winner of the “Most Douchiest Douche Award”.

More and more Iraqi insurgents are becoming violin makers. Flooding the market with millions of mass-produced yet exquisite instruments. The Iraqi “Stradivarius” has become the “Model-T” of Baghdad.

The world observes helplessly as these finely-crafted, musical masterpieces are being forced upon the unsuspecting cilvilians.

When will the violins stop!