I am a vegan

Pure, Organic
Meek, Malnourished

Chickpeas are my meat pellets

Tofu is my life

The art of vegetarianism is pacifism between furry organisms

A Denny’s Grand Slam is a dinner of Death!

Two slices of pig skin, a couple chicken fetuses

Sunny-side up and side of toast…please



A carton of eggs is not what I see

Twelve homemade coffins for under two bucks

Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O…and on this farm he had a chicken…

…but that doesn’t matter anymore, because an Egg McMuffin is much more important than a chicken well versed in Euclidean geometry. The poultry populous is eternally damned .

Mortally assassinated.
Painfully annihilated.
Pathetically depopulated.

Kill the chicken…kill…kill the chicken!

But I digress

I must confess

My body yearns for bacon

My head is throbbing

I must give in

To my paganistic, carnivorous desire of flesh

Give me some bacon and let the pig bleed!

I was enlightened with the fact, that mangoes belong to the same family as poison ivy, the Sumac family. Certain cultures have made this fruit a staple in their diet. Puerto Rico became one of those countries. In 1750, the mango was introduced to their island and Puerto Rico embraced it. After two and half centuries of consumption, Puerto Ricans have unknowingly developed a natural immunity to poison ivy.
Case in point, my friend Ricardo and I were running through the woods naked. I unfortunately was hospitalized for a burning, eczematous rash and mi amigo Ricardo came out unscathed.

Once I recovered, I had an inspiration and drew out my quill and scribed this poem…

I Wish I was Puerto Rican Because I Love to Go Camping

Mangos
Succulent orbs of protective fructose

Poison Ivy
Infectious, secreting leaves of agony

The devious, demonic plant lurking below
Preying on unsuspecting Gringos with their unprotected skin

Behold!
Mira!

My epidermis is laced with Mango Madness.
Defending my body from the venomous juice.

My regal blood is produced by my pumping, pulminary papaya
Immune to the toxic Taliban of torment

Eschuchen, por favor

I love to lay in the grass
You can kiss my Puerto Rican ass

I am a futon

Bare

Unsoothing

A studio staple

A bypolar byproduct of urban convenience

Some people love mattresses

Some people love couches

I go both ways

Give me your back

And I will fuck you up for days

Let’s get this party started.

Mano y Mano
Me against You
My THAC0 is low, and your Armor Class is high
Get your dice ready, and prepare to die
Your lack of creativity appalls me
(let me guess a big barbarian with an Austrian accent and a two-handed sword named, Bonan)
How original.
Roll for initiative.
Yikes! I go first.
Step aside, and watch the master.
I rolled a twenty, bitch
That’s a critical hit.
Double damage.
Not shabby for an itty bitty long sword
Hate to see what carnage is released by my twelve-sided die
A deadly Dodecahedron
Inscribed with numbers.
Ouch! I maxed it out.
Twelve times two equals twenty-four
Two more points, and you go nighty-night
Pray for a cleric when you reach Death’s Door
Your turn, slug
You move like a tortoise with rigamortis
Roll your twenty, and don’t fuck up
Tisk, tisk, rolled a one
Oops, looks like a fumble
Stupid half-orc.
(That’s the last time you’ll call me a tree-huggin’, dandelion-eating, cucumber-suckin elf lover. What’s sad is most of your kind are created by the evil act of a human female being violently impregnated by a hideous orc. But YOU exist because your Dad was so vile and disgusting, he could ONLY FUCK ORCS!!)
Suck my steel, you son of a motherless goat!

Quinntoth Winterloc of Tanterbahn, son of Avin
(half-elf, male, 6th Level Bard)

Pale, Anemic

Extremely vindictive

A pampered princess whose blood that does not clot

Nagging, Grating, Whining

Very maternal

The misery must stop

I prepared a meal laden with garlic


And a dash of resentment

I switched her toothbrush from

Soft bristle to hard

Unaware of my subterfuge

My problem is solved

I was enlightened with the fact, that mangoes belong to the same family as poison ivy, the Sumac family. Certain cultures have made this fruit a staple in their diet. Puerto Rico became one of those countries. In 1750, the mango was introduced to their island and Puerto Rico embraced it. After two and half centuries of consumption, Puerto Ricans have unknowingly developed a natural immunity to poison ivy.

Case in point, my friend Ricardo and I were running through the woods naked. I unfortunately was hospitalized for a burning, eczematous rash and mi amigo Ricardo came out unscathed.

Once I recovered, I had an inspiration and drew out my quill and scribed this poem…

Mangos
Succulent orbs of protective fructose

Poison Ivy
Infectious, secreting leaves of agony

The devious, demonic plant lurking below
Preying on unsuspecting Gringos with their unprotected skin

Behold!
Mira!

My epidermis is laced with Mango Madness.
Defending my body from the venomous juice.

My regal blood is produced by my pumping, pulminary papaya
Immune to the toxic Taliban of torment

Eschuchen, por favor

I love to lay in the grass
You can kiss my Puerto Rican ass

Let’s get this party started.
Mano y Mano
Me against You
My THAC0 is low, and your Armor Class is high
Get your dice ready, and prepare to die
Your lack of creativity appalls me
(let me guess a big barbarian with an Austrian accent and a two-handed sword named, Bonan)
How original.
Roll for initiative.
Yikes! I go first.
Step aside, and watch the master.
I rolled a twenty, bitch
That’s a critical hit.
Double damage.
Not shabby for an itty bitty long sword
Hate to see what carnage is released by my twelve-sided die
A deadly Dodecahedron
Inscribed with numbers.
Ouch! I maxed it out.
Twelve times two equals twenty-four
Two more points, and you go nighty-night
Pray for a cleric when you reach Death’s Door
Your turn, slug
You move like a tortoise with rigamortis
Roll your twenty, and don’t fuck up
Tisk, tisk, rolled a one
Oops, looks like a fumble
Stupid half-orc.

That’s the last time you’ll call me a tree-huggin’, dandelion-eating, cucumber-suckin elf lover. What’s sad is most of your kind are created by the evil act of a human female being violently impregnated by a hideous orc. But YOU exist because your Dad was so vile and disgusting, he could ONLY FUCK ORCS!!
Suck my steel, you son of a motherless goat!

Quinntoth Winterloc of Tanterbahn, son of Avin
(half-elf, male, 6th Level Bard)

a community of democracy without all the hypocracy

a festivity of harmony, equality not bigotry, sympathy not apathy,

and simple genorosity will end this planets poverty.

you do not know the intricacy of what I see

a land without myths

a land without legends

is a sea of blasphemy

with no diety, there can be no prosperity

G-O-D

replace the “T” for the “D”

and you got G-O-T

some pronounce it, “Go-tee”

my beard

My MySpace Experience

Who the fuck is that bitch on your Top 8?
Who?
You know what slut I’m talking about.
Who?
The one with no clothes on.
Oh, that one.

Credit Cards are clean and sheen

A modern way of life

Paper Bills are old world

Absorbent, Dirty

Reeking of human filth

The scent of a stripper

Crack-fives and coke-frosted Benjamins, straight from Wall Street

When I look at a bill,

I see a tree that never was!

He could of been anything in the world

Perhaps a Christmas Tree

Alas!

He would be doomed again

35 million trees are slaughtered by ax-wielding Santas

Maimed at their knees

Christmas capitalist consume!

Merry morticians decorate with glee

Rotting corpses in the guise of gaiety and garland

One bowl of water away from death

Ridiculed with trinkets, hot lights, and a gaudy gold star

Humiliated, Confused

Praying for euthanasia

Two words end their misery

ME®®Y ©H®I$™A$

Yo soy un hombre flaco y blanquito.

Debil.
Baboso.

Un gringo quemado que habla mal el español.

Un poco femenino.

Alguna personas son
Blanco.
Alguna personas son
Latino.

Soy ninguno del los dos.

Yo sere Blanco por fuero
pero por dentro soy Latino.

Tráigame frijoles y maduros y dejame en libertad.