people

‘Pretend to be an Illegal Alien’ Weekend Getaway

international

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to [...]

Read more→

Earthlings (specifically Americans) Are Spoiled

favorites

Raised as fat, capitalistic pigs with intrinsic senses of entitlement, we forget that our problems are insignificant when compared to other citizens of this planet.
I was at LaGuardia Airport last week during the blackout and overheard a hysterical woman speaking to a reporter amongst crying babies and other stranded passengers tearfully cry out, “It’s [...]

Read more→

Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey©: Good or Evil?

business

Two of my many Orthorexic dietary restrictions are:
limit my dairy and saturated fat intake.
Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.

How do I justify my addiction?
The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any [...]

Read more→

What is the Name of Your Country?

international

If you flew to Tokyo, and were to ask any Japanese citizen walking on the street, “What country do you live in?”
That person would say without hesitation, “Nippon.”
This would be very awkward, since you would then have to politely correct them and inform them that they live in Japan not in the Make-Believe Land of [...]

Read more→

Technology has atrophied my ability to memorize.

people

I vividly remember how proud I was when I stood up in front of my kindergarten class and recited my phone number.
A quarter of a century later, I can’t even remember the first three digits of my girlfriend cell phone number.
My attachment with my phone’s Phonebook is atomic.
This unhealthy relationship becomes crystal clear when someone [...]

Read more→

I’m Afraid of Public Transportation

people

I was in Miami once and I saw a billboard that claimed, “Everytime you see a bus, you have walked by someone with AIDS.”
I will never become a bus driver.

Read more→

I Hate New Year’s Day

people

We are the only animals on the planet that celebrate it. It’s just an arbitrary point in space that we’ve invented. All we do is get drunk every time we go around the Sun.
Weeee! (one year lapses)
Yaaaay!! (365.25 days later)
Happy New Year!!!

We are eternally trapped in this boring cycle. Fuck that. I know [...]

Read more→

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →