Within 24 hours of Obi-Wan Kenobi's death, Death Star stormtroopers began to post “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. ~Yoda” on their Helmetbook© wall.

People flinch nowadays when you say the word “Mexican” with the wrong inflection. Somehow society has demonized the word. If I told you there are a bunch of “English guys outside” who would care…same goes for Danish, Russian, Irish…it doesn’t matter. But if I were to say, “There are a bunch of Mexicans out side” I’d be labeled a bigot.

I was at a dinner party and a guy started a story, “So there was this “Mexican”…ah..sorry…there was this guy from Mexico….”

Asshole…he’s Mexican. I’d rather be called French, than a Man from France.

The next step is to call them Spano-Aztecians.

When German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder declared “Nein zum Irak-Krieg” (“No to war in Iraq“), pro-war Americans and Brits were appalled by Deutschland’s cowardice.

I see it differently.

If you compared war to alcohol, Germans are like your recently sobered uncle who suffered from alcoholism for decades. Now imagine if your family was ridiculing him for not loosening up at a family wedding. The last thing you want a recovering alcoholic is to hop back on the wagon, especially because of peer pressure. Maybe Americans can drink a case of Budweiser or the English can be satisfied with a few pints of Guinness, but Germans will drain a bottle of Jägermeister.

Citizens of Sudetenland, beware!

Perhaps WWII could have been averted if Woodrow Wilson would have issued the Twelve Step program rather than his Fourteen Points program in 1918 after WWI.

Once a waroholic, always waroholic.

A beautiful Greek girl asked me, “Have you ever been to Greece?”

And I replied, “Yeah, I loved it. I would love to live in Greece for the rest of my life.”
She was shocked, and asked “What are you gay or something?”

Obviously we were not talking about the same thing.

“What Greece are you talking about?” , I asked.
“The musical”, she said.
“Oh…me too…that’s why I changed my name to Dan after Danny Zuco…Summer lovin’, love with out end…”

Falluja is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation.

INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains.

Used in a sentence:

Mother:
Dammit Billy, this better not be your falluja on the quilt your Grandmother made…I swear to God, you are buying the next bottle of INSURGENT®!

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

Pillows!



I grew up poor and learned the best way to curb my appetite as a kid was going to bed early. The growling of my stomach was a little annoying at first, but I’d just wrap my head with my pillow and get some sleepy sleep.

What would you rather have?

A bowl of gruel or a nice, comfy, goose-down pillow?

I’d vote for the pillow. Sleeping will cure all the world’s problems.

“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “I don’t even know where Bulimia is.”

I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.

I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic Ocean? Come on, that’s crazy talk.

The growing population of monkeys in New Delhi, India has been an epidemic for quite some time because many Hindus worship the deity Hanuman, a monkey god who symbolizes strength.

It became international news when a gang of marauding monkeys mauled their deputy mayor to death.

When I read this, my first thought was, “Man, monkeys suck.”

My second thought was, “Man, what the fuck did he do to all those monkeys?”

My third thought was, “Man, that guy probably molested a baby monkey and when the family heard about it they went ballistic and tore that dude to shreds.”

My fourth thought was, “Man, that’s gross. That dude had sex with a baby monkey. Justice served.”

However to my knowledge, he “instigated” the attack by simply walking on his own terrace to get a breath of fresh air and then out of nowhere it started to rain monkeys and he was engulfed in a firestorm of teeth, tails, and hair. His only option to douse the fiery, furry attack was to fling himself off the balcony to the street below taking a few monkey martyrs with him.

You would think that after losing their deputy mayor to a mob of monkeys, that the city would
reconsider their stance on reincarnation and start baiting the city with poisoned bananas. Nope. The city officials decided the best long-term solution to rid their problem would be to import a small elite force of even larger, more aggressive, carnivorous monkeys to eat the smaller, less-aggressive, non-carnivorous monkeys.

Perfect! Finally, a government that isn’t shortsighted. What could possibly go wrong? At first, I was a little worried but I was relieved to discover that the Blackwater Corporation is breeding these mercenary monkeys. Everything will be fine.

Hmmm?

If these tactics do work, perhaps we should use it here to deal with New York City’s plague of rats. In fact, they estimate that there are eight rats for every person that lives in Manhattan. By New Delhi-logic, I guess the best solution to get rid of the rats is to import a dozen rat-eating tigers.

With that same logic, the herpes virus is on the rise again, the Department of Health should unleash the anthrax virus to kill the herpes.

Or better yet, you could kill two birds with one stone and infect the tigers with anthrax.

No more rats. No more herpes. No more problems.

Well…sort of…there would be one caveat: We would eventually have to deal with the anthrax-infected tigers roaming the subways.

The terms Eskimo and Husky have become officially politically incorrect for the indigenous people in the north.

The word Eskimo was derived from the French word Esquimaux which literally means “flesh eaters”.

Inuit is the preferred name of the handful of surviving inhabitants who were desecrated by Europeans from the 1800s through the 1900s.

However, Inuit is plural and should not be used to describe an individual.

For example…
“He is Inuit” would translate as “He is Blacks.”"

I’m guessing Inuitian would be the proper adjective. My roommate invented Inuii. Who knows? You can never be 100% compliant.

I love when I hear right-minded people condescendingly correct others who utter the “E” word and tell them the appropriate expression is Inuit Indian. Their enlightened racial-awareness is negated by their dim-witted ignorance about Native Americans.

Furthermore, America was named for an Italian merchant named Amerigo Vespucci. We were one word away from becoming Vespuccians.

God Bless Vespukia!

If you flew to Tokyo, and were to ask any Japanese citizen walking on the street, “What country do you live in?”

That person would say without hesitation, “Nippon.”

This would be very awkward, since you would then have to politely correct them and inform them that they live in Japan not in the Make-Believe Land of “Nippon”.

Who is right?

We have Westernized the name of every country we have encountered.

Hindustan ceases to exist and is called India.
Deutchland is forgotten and is now dubbed Germany.
Italia turns to Italy, Spain replaces España,…etc

Criticizing American’s globalization and smothering domination has become far too easy. It isn’t edgy anymore. Its the norm. Though in this particular case, we are not alone.

Spanish people call Germany, Alemania. The French say l’Allemagne and Italians insist its la Germania.

Fortunately, it is limited to the name of the countries and does not extend to the individual names of the citizens.

In conclusion, humans are fundamentally resistant to adopting and adapting to different cultures. However, we are all carbon-based life forms composed of the same basic molecular structure. The actual quantified DNA difference between any organisms is so infinitesimally small. We should thank God, Allah, David Koresh, or whom ever you choose to believe in for giving us the proper genetic coding to be homo sapiens. We are few deoxyribonucleic acid strands away from being a lemur or a sweet potato.

Furthermore, we can’t even agree on one word to describe the asymetrical ellipsoid in which we live on.

Earth (English)
Mundo (Spanish)
Duniya (Hindi)
Erde (German)
Terra (Italian)

We need to get our heads out of our asses and come up with an international word for our planet or we will become the laughing stock of the United Milky Way Planets Federation.

I’m not sure.

My internal clock is messed up.

I remember seeing a Cinco de Mayo parade in Union Square Monday.

Silly me, that was the immigrants striking.

I’m slow.

We have all done something in our lifetime that we are ashamed of and would be mortified if our actions came to light. Be it a night in jail, a transaction with a prostitute or the thousand hours you spent playing Dungeon and Dragons as a teenager. Of course I’m speaking about other people. I’m one of the few people with no skeletons. My closet door is wide open. Please do not to be confused with the closet door of homosexuals. That door is still closed but not closed because I’m a closeted homosexual. It’s just a different door often confused with the closet containing people’s skeletons. In fact, I don’t even know where my sexual closet is located. I live in NYC and I can’t afford a closet. So I guess I’m a eunuch. I can’t wait to be wealthy enough to afford a closet.

But I digress…

The skeleton that I’m speaking about is the closet of the company Degussa that is jammed with the amount of bones it would take to construct a Tyrannosaurus Rex. They were contracted out by the German government to coat the concrete slabs constructed for the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe with an anti-graffiti substance called Protectosil. One small caveat: Degussa is a subsidiary of Degesch, the infamous manufacturer of Zyklon B, the gas used in gas chambers during the Holocaust. Now I have to come clean and say that I’ve fucked up at various jobs throughout my life: As a waiter I dropped a bowl of potato soup into a dude’s dreadlocks and another time I forgot to chain the door of an arcade which was burglarized that evening. But to be “The Guy” who authorized the payment of million dollars to a company that helped kill a million Jews has to be the winner of the “Most Douchiest Douche Award”.

My girlfriend told me, “It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia.”

“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “I don’t even know where Bulimia is.”

I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.

I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic Ocean? Come on, that’s crazy talk.

More and more Iraqi insurgents are becoming violin makers. Flooding the market with millions of mass-produced yet exquisite instruments. The Iraqi “Stradivarius” has become the “Model-T” of Baghdad.

The world observes helplessly as these finely-crafted, musical masterpieces are being forced upon the unsuspecting cilvilians.

When will the violins stop!

Click here

Obviously, they never attended Kent Powers Academy:

I was enlightened with the fact, that mangoes belong to the same family as poison ivy, the Sumac family. Certain cultures have made this fruit a staple in their diet. Puerto Rico became one of those countries. In 1750, the mango was introduced to their island and Puerto Rico embraced it. After two and half centuries of consumption, Puerto Ricans have unknowingly developed a natural immunity to poison ivy.

Case in point, my friend Ricardo and I were running through the woods naked. I unfortunately was hospitalized for a burning, eczematous rash and mi amigo Ricardo came out unscathed.

Once I recovered, I had an inspiration and drew out my quill and scribed this poem…

Mangos
Succulent orbs of protective fructose

Poison Ivy
Infectious, secreting leaves of agony

The devious, demonic plant lurking below
Preying on unsuspecting Gringos with their unprotected skin

Behold!
Mira!

My epidermis is laced with Mango Madness.
Defending my body from the venomous juice.

My regal blood is produced by my pumping, pulminary papaya
Immune to the toxic Taliban of torment

Eschuchen, por favor

I love to lay in the grass
You can kiss my Puerto Rican ass

You know that, I know that, people of China know that and the citizens of Korea know that but for some reason Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe doesn’t think it’s that bad. Perhaps he’s a distant relative of Clayton Williams the ex-gubernatorial candidate for Texas who made a “joke” to a reporter, likening bad weather to rape, “as long as it’s inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.” Let’s also not forget one of his infamous responses to his defeat by Ann Richards, a recovering alcoholic, “Well, I hope she doesn’t go back to drinkin’!”.

In 1937, Japan was one of the worst offenders. The Chinese refer to this as the Rape of Nanking. Tens of thousands of women were brutally raped over a period of six weeks.

I never understood the term, “brutally raped”. It seems redundant.

bru‧tal‧ly, adverb
1. savage; cruel;

Rape is brutal.

Rape is the one word in the English language that does not need an adverb to modify it. Its like describing an orange as an orange orange.

Unless there are different methods of rape I’m not aware of:

A flower deliveryman delicately raped a young woman this evening in her apartment today.

or

Father Aguilar was arrested today because of allegations that stated he had passive–aggressively raped an altar boy.

or

Israeli president Moshe Katsav secretly raped his secretary.

or

Since Mark Foley was molested my a priest and brainwashed by his alcoholism, he reluctantly raped a 16-year-old page.

Rapist beware someone just invented an anit-rape condom called Rapex

(I’m not lying. Click on the link).

I overheard a conversation in Spanish on the subway about a well-groomed metrosexual:

“Si no es un pato, esta cerca del lago.”

“If he’s not a duck, he’s close to the lake.”