international « Dan Allen

international

You Could Sell Frozen Dihydrogen Monoxide to an Inuit

The terms Eskimo and Husky have become officially politically incorrect for the indigenous people in the north.

The word Eskimo was derived from the French word Esquimaux which literally means “flesh eaters”.

Inuit is the preferred name of the handful of surviving inhabitants who were desecrated by Europeans from the 1800s through the 1900s.

However, Inuit is plural and should not be used to describe an individual.

For example…
“He is Inuit” would translate as “He is Blacks.”"

I’m guessing Inuitian would be the proper adjective. My roommate invented Inuii. Who knows? You can never be 100% compliant.

I love when I hear right-minded people condescendingly correct others who utter the “E” word and tell them the appropriate expression is Inuit Indian. Their enlightened racial-awareness is negated by their dim-witted ignorance about Native Americans.

Furthermore, America was named for an Italian merchant named Amerigo Vespucci. We were one word away from becoming Vespuccians.

God Bless Vespukia!

Originally posted 2004-11-29 22:19:08. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

‘Pretend to be an Illegal Alien’ Weekend Getaway

I’m subscribed to Kayak.com for travel deals. Normally, I get emails that tell me when flights to Orlando dip down below $150 or if there are any spectacular packages to London but today I got this treat: “Night Border Crossing Experience”.

Your ‘coyote’ guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way…make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded…

Wow. What a steal. Only eighteen dollars.

Read more about it here or if you dying to find out what it feels like. Here’s where you can make it happen.

Now I want to go to the ‘Two Nights in Ole Nanking‘, ‘Flight From Mount Vesuvius Adventure‘, or ‘Dachau Day Trip‘.

I probably won’t be able to do the “Dachau Day Trip” since the dollar is so weak to the euro. Hopefully, the $600 rebate in June will fix everything.

Originally posted 2008-02-14 13:57:06. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / politics — No Comments
18
Feb 10

Surge of Violins in Baghdad

More and more Iraqi insurgents are becoming violin makers. Flooding the market with millions of mass-produced yet exquisite instruments. The Iraqi “Stradivarius” has become the “Model-T” of Baghdad.

The world observes helplessly as these finely-crafted, musical masterpieces are being forced upon the unsuspecting cilvilians.

When will the violins stop!

Originally posted 2006-10-30 12:05:21. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / people — 1 Comment
4
Feb 10

What is the Name of Your Country?

If you flew to Tokyo, and were to ask any Japanese citizen walking on the street, “What country do you live in?”

That person would say without hesitation, “Nippon.”

This would be very awkward, since you would then have to politely correct them and inform them that they live in Japan not in the Make-Believe Land of “Nippon”.

Who is right?

We have Westernized the name of every country we have encountered.

Hindustan ceases to exist and is called India.
Deutchland is forgotten and is now dubbed Germany.
Italia turns to Italy, Spain replaces España,…etc

Criticizing American’s globalization and smothering domination has become far too easy. It isn’t edgy anymore. Its the norm. Though in this particular case, we are not alone.

Spanish people call Germany, Alemania. The French say l’Allemagne and Italians insist its la Germania.

Fortunately, it is limited to the name of the countries and does not extend to the individual names of the citizens.

BOSS

Gary! Jesse! Bring that crate over here.

GARCON

Pardon je, Monsier. Mon nom est Garcon. Ce n’est pas Gary.

JESUS

Si, señor. Mi nombre es Jesus. No es Jesse.

BOSS

Listen here…we don’t understand your bullshit languages and don’t want to hear that kind of jibber-jabber around here. In fact, we don’t really care what you two think. You call yourself whatever you want…to yourselves. But if you don’t like it, you can go back to you own damn country. This ain’t Uzbekistan.

In conclusion, humans are fundamentally resistant to adopting and adapting to different cultures. However, we are all carbon-based life forms composed of the same basic molecular structure. The actual quantified DNA difference between any organisms is so infinitesimally small. We should thank God, Allah, David Koresh, or whom ever you choose to believe in for giving us the proper genetic coding to be homo sapiens. We are few deoxyribonucleic acid strands away from being a lemur or a sweet potato.

Furthermore, we can’t even agree on one word to describe the asymetrical ellipsoid in which we live on.

Earth (English)
Mundo (Spanish)
Duniya (Hindi)
Erde (German)
Terra (Italian)

We need to get our heads out of our asses and come up with an international word for our planet or we will become the laughing stock of the United Milky Way Planets Federation.

Originally posted 2006-01-13 13:22:41. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international — No Comments
30
Jan 10

My girlfriend told me, “It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia.”

“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “I don’t even know where Bulimia is.”

I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.

I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic Ocean? Come on, that’s crazy talk.

Originally posted 2005-10-31 12:41:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international — No Comments
29
Jan 10

People Are Being Killed by Killer Kites in Pakistan

Click here

Obviously, they never attended Kent Powers Academy:

KENT POWERS

Congratulations, and welcome to a new way of living. Hold your hands out …look at them…soon you will control their true ability…these flesh covered extensions of your soul are your answer to the universe. Once you have mastered my technique, you will be able to walk out and command any field on a blistery March day. Children will revere you, women will adore you, and men will fear you. You are the best of the best, I have personally hand picked you out of hundreds of applicants. Well perhaps not hundreds, but a number greater than the number of individuals who are present right now. Each one you have a story of — why you are here. Seekers of Wisdom. Hot shot fliers, who think they have a chance at “The Big Game”. All big fish from small ponds. You think you’re ready? Well you’re not. If someone told me I had to bet money on any of you in next year’s Basant Kite Festival, “I’d tell them to kiss my ass!” I’d rather spend my hard-earned money on a 12 year-old Paki from Lahore. At least, he’d have enough sense to use glass-coated string to cut down his opponents. I had to learn the hard way. I lost my buddy Jimmy in Basant in 98’. He was untangling a line when a low flying fighter kite slit his throat from ear to ear. You will look back at this very point in time and laugh at the shell of a person you are now. I applaud you. You will forever be in my debt. When people read your resume…and see that you trained with Kent Powers, you WILL be respected. In the next nine months, you will LIVE, EAT, and DREAM about kites!!! This will be your new religion, and I am your SAVIOUR. I will say this once, you will address me as Kent Powers. There are NO shortcuts or abbreviations in The Art of Kite Flying. The decision you have made will alter your destiny. One word can define what we do, “Control!” Cerf-volant! Drachen! Aquiline! Cometa! Vlieger! Every language has a word to describe it. Kite! An invention developed 5,000 years ago in Ancient China. This workshop will transcend mathematics, history, geography, physics, and psychology. I don’t like to drop names, but perhaps you know a few of my students: Steve Coates, flies with Skynasaur Kites their first “professional kite flyer”. In fact I just had lunch with Gary Gabriel, the vice president, last week. He professed to me that he wished all the new pilots would take my seminar. You are going to see that this career not only takes skill, but a tremendous amount of networking. Hey, if you got an eccentric, billionaire uncle ready to drop tens of thousands of dollars on you…more power to you. But if you are like the rest of us, corporate sponsorship is the key to success. Sure you could stay Regional or keep doing State Fairs, and grab a few cash prizes. Peanuts! Chump change! Trophies feed your ego, but companies fill your bellies with filet mignons.

You will learn how to axel, fade, 540s…the amount of tricks will be limited by your creativity. Perhaps someday you will be able to patent your own trick someday. In order to do this, you have to give up everything…carnal pleasures, luxuries, vices…and trust my every word. Gentleman, let’s fly.

Originally posted 2007-02-26 11:39:46. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international — 4 Comments
22
Dec 09

Society Has Demonized the word, “Mexican”

People flinch nowadays when you say the word “Mexican” with the wrong inflection. Somehow society has demonized the word. If I told you there are a bunch of “English guys outside” who would care…same goes for Danish, Russian, Irish…it doesn’t matter. But if I were to say, “There are a bunch of Mexicans out side” I’d be labeled a bigot.

I was at a dinner party and a guy started a story, “So there was this “Mexican”…ah..sorry…there was this guy from Mexico….”

Asshole…he’s Mexican. I’d rather be called French, than a Man from France.

The next step is to call them Spano-Aztecians.

Originally posted 2004-08-03 15:16:16. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

food / international / poetry — 1 Comment
20
Dec 09

I Wish I was Puerto Rican Because I Love to Go Camping

I was enlightened with the fact, that mangoes belong to the same family as poison ivy, the Sumac family. Certain cultures have made this fruit a staple in their diet. Puerto Rico became one of those countries. In 1750, the mango was introduced to their island and Puerto Rico embraced it. After two and half centuries of consumption, Puerto Ricans have unknowingly developed a natural immunity to poison ivy.

Case in point, my friend Ricardo and I were running through the woods naked. I unfortunately was hospitalized for a burning, eczematous rash and mi amigo Ricardo came out unscathed.

Once I recovered, I had an inspiration and drew out my quill and scribed this poem…

Mangos
Succulent orbs of protective fructose

Poison Ivy
Infectious, secreting leaves of agony

The devious, demonic plant lurking below
Preying on unsuspecting Gringos with their unprotected skin

Behold!
Mira!

My epidermis is laced with Mango Madness.
Defending my body from the venomous juice.

My regal blood is produced by my pumping, pulminary papaya
Immune to the toxic Taliban of torment

Eschuchen, por favor

I love to lay in the grass
You can kiss my Puerto Rican ass

Originally posted 2005-06-16 19:48:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / wordplay — 1 Comment
19
Dec 09

Where the Hell is Falluja and What is an Insurgent?

Falluja is the Arabic word describing what happens when a man has an ejaculation.

INSURGENT® is a cleaning product designed specifically to eliminate falluja-related stains.

Used in a sentence:

Mother:
Dammit Billy, this better not be your falluja on the quilt your Grandmother made…I swear to God, you are buying the next bottle of INSURGENT®!

Originally posted 2004-10-18 18:45:42. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / sexuality / wordplay — 3 Comments
19
Dec 09

Rape is Bad

You know that, I know that, people of China know that and the citizens of Korea know that but for some reason Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe doesn’t think it’s that bad. Perhaps he’s a distant relative of Clayton Williams the ex-gubernatorial candidate for Texas who made a “joke” to a reporter, likening bad weather to rape, “as long as it’s inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.” Let’s also not forget one of his infamous responses to his defeat by Ann Richards, a recovering alcoholic, “Well, I hope she doesn’t go back to drinkin’!”.

In 1937, Japan was one of the worst offenders. The Chinese refer to this as the Rape of Nanking. Tens of thousands of women were brutally raped over a period of six weeks.

I never understood the term, “brutally raped”. It seems redundant.

bru‧tal‧ly, adverb
1. savage; cruel;

Rape is brutal.

Rape is the one word in the English language that does not need an adverb to modify it. Its like describing an orange as an orange orange.

Unless there are different methods of rape I’m not aware of:

A flower deliveryman delicately raped a young woman this evening in her apartment today.

Father Aguilar was arrested today because of allegations that stated he had passive–aggressively raped an altar boy.

Israeli president Moshe Katsav secretly raped his secretary.

Since Mark Foley was molested my a priest and brainwashed by his alcoholism, he reluctantly raped a 16-year-old page.

Rapist beware someone just invented an anit-rape condom called Rapex

(I’m not lying. Click on the link).

Originally posted 2007-03-20 00:50:12. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / overheard nyc — 2 Comments
15
Dec 09

Mexican Metrosexuals

I overheard a conversation in Spanish on the subway about a well-groomed metrosexual:

“Si no es un pato, esta cerca del lago.”

“If he’s not a duck, he’s close to the lake.”

Originally posted 2006-01-30 16:12:56. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international — 6 Comments
7
Dec 09

Oh…the Irony!

I just got back from a weekend getaway in Toronto, Ontario. Fantastique! I felt right at home. Basically, Toronto is the NYC of Canada sans the smells and apathy.

Wanting to be productive, I did a guest spot at the Laugh Resort Comedy Club
(Which I’m still trying to decipher. I’m not sure if they are trying to say that this is the last place in the world that will make you laugh or this is the last place in the world where you would think you would laugh).

I was slightly concerned that my American references wouldn’t be understood but Toronto is renowned for being one of the most diverse cities in the world so they were all well informed.

Unsurprisingly, the three other Canadian comics at some point in their act described Americans as slow, dim-witted gun-toting people.

Since I was raised in Texas and served in the USAF, you would think that I would be slightly patriotic but I my lost admiration for Uncle Sam long ago when I read Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five and Heller’s Catch-22 when I was a teenager.

As much as I agree with Canadians, it gets grating after an hour and a half. Although, it’s hard to defend America while Bush is still in office. So I let them have their fun. Who cares? The only myth that I wanted to dismiss was their continued attempts to paint NYC as a crime-riddled city where you are lucky to get mugged instead of being raped or set on fire (or a combination of all three). This really annoyed me because it simply is not true. I’m not saying there isn’t crime but it is a very safe city. If you’ve ever read Freakonomics, you’d know why. Roe vs Wade, yay! I’ve lived here since 2001 and I have never felt this safe anywhere else in the country. I live in Astoria which was predominantly Greek but now is becoming one of the most diverse areas in Queens. It’s extremely safe and you feel a sense of community.

With that said, I got back to the States and turned on my phone to find six voice mails and six text messages.
Here’s one of the text messages: “Someone got shot and killed at our Broadway stop tonight. Beer kept me safe and off of my normal train.”

Here’s an excerpt of an article written about it:

“The victim lay in a large pool of blood in front of the token booth – his long black hair a bloody mess on the station floor, witnesses said. “The lady inside the [token] booth was almost crying,” said Ricardo Peris, 42, of Astoria. “I was even scared.”

I love that he said “was almost crying” implying that she’s seen worse and could hold it in. An my absolutely favorite part “I was even scared” kills me. I’m assuming Ricardo lives in a haunted house on Riker’s Island filled with bees.

Originally posted 2007-09-18 14:33:36. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Dan AllenNYC-based producer and storyteller