history

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10
Mar 10

The Sun Viking Hotel

The last time I went to the beach, I stayed at The Sun Viking Hotel, which had an enormous 50 foot, gaudy, plaster Viking statue in the parking lot. It was a family hotel, and a bunch of kids were running around with souvenir axes and horned helmets. How cute? Then I remembered back to another time I stayed at another beach hotel which was called The Hotel Viking; slightly different, but essentially the same. Every tourist city by the sea has the same lame hotels: some kind of Viking Hotel…across the street Pirate’s Cove…next door the El Conquistador. A lot of people are missing the general theme here. All of these groups being glorified were once associated with murderers, rapist, and thieves. Yippee! Happy family fun-time! I guess all it takes is about 500 to 1000 years to wash away the atrocities of malicious men. The future is looking brighter, and brighter. In the year 3030, you’ll be able to check into The Klansmen by the Sea.

Hotel Clerk
Here’s your key, boy. Room 606. Don’t worry about a thing, we got plenty clean sheets.
If you know what I mean?

Originally posted 2004-06-01 15:10:13. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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11
Feb 10

A Riddle

Q.
What do all these individuals have in common?
Clara Barton, Walt Whitman, Thomas Edison, Vince Lombardi, Alexander Hamilton, and Grover Cleveland.

A.

toilet-about.jpg
Washington got a bridge, Lincoln got a tunnel, but these “lucky” folks are immortalized in the form of rest stops on the New Jersey Turnpike (click here). What an honor. Although, I do approve of Edison being memorialized in this manner. He was a true asshole. Ask Tesla.

Originally posted 2006-11-06 17:52:15. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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3
Feb 10

Paul Revere’s job would have been easier with MySpace

Paul_revere_ride.gif

The historical “Midnight Ride” would have been known as the “Midnight Post”. Instead of “ridin’ across the land, kickin’ up sand”, he could have simply posted a MySpace bulletin to his 16,000 “friends”.

But now that I think of it, that probably wouldn’t have been that effective since you can only view five bulletins at time.

With 16,000 colonists online, the extremely vital warning bulletin “The British are coming!” would be pushed off the screen instantly by a 1,000 trivial, sophomoric posts from idiots with too much time on their hands.

oldmyspace.gif

Originally posted 2006-04-15 14:01:05. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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18
Jan 10

Do Trojans Defend?

I’m confused why a company would choose the Trojans as their symbol.

I’ve tried to create a logical analogy between modern condoms and the ancient battle between the Greeks and the Trojans: The Greeks embodied a man and the Trojans personified a woman, the wooden exterior of the horse would have symbolized a condom, the man’s sperm was represented by the army of Greek warriors, the gate of Troy’s wall would be her vagina, the Trojan defenders were spermicide and the highly-prized Helen characterized the woman’s egg.

On the surface, it appears to be quite a clever correlation.

Yet if you dig deeper and discover the outcome of the battle, it doesn’t make sense why they would be so proud to bear the name Trojan® as the most effective protection against invasions.

The female was deceptively wooed by the man. She left her spermicide in the medicine cabinet because he had assured her that is was safe. He slid his condom into her vagina. Once safely inside, his tampered condom broke and flooded her with his sperm. The sperm leader then swam up the perilous Phallopyan Tower and captured the enchanted Egg Princess.

The Trojans failed.

Troy got knocked up.

I could understand, if they sold diaphragms with prefabricated holes marketed towards women who wanted to ensnare men into marriage through pregnancy.

Trojan® Diaphragms— #1 in Unwanted Pregancies

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:41:15. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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28
Dec 09

Do Trojans Defend?

I’m confused why a company would choose the Trojans as their symbol.

I’ve tried to create a logical analogy between modern condoms and the ancient battle between the Greeks and the Trojans: The Greeks embodied a man and the Trojans personified a woman, the wooden exterior of the horse would have symbolized a condom, the man’s sperm was represented by the army of Greek warriors, the gate of Troy’s wall would be her vagina, the Trojan defenders were spermicide and the highly-prized Helen characterized the woman’s egg.

On the surface, it appears to be quite a clever correlation.

Yet if you dig deeper and discover the outcome of the battle, it doesn’t make sense why they would be so proud to bear the name Trojan® as the most effective protection against invasions.

The female was deceptively wooed by the man. She left her spermicide in the medicine cabinet because he had assured her that is was safe. He slid his condom into her vagina. Once safely inside, his tampered condom broke and flooded her with his sperm. The sperm leader then swam up the perilous Phallopyan Tower and captured the enchanted Egg Princess.

The Trojans failed.

Troy got knocked up.

I could understand, if they sold diaphragms with prefabricated holes marketed towards women who wanted to ensnare men into marriage through pregnancy.

Trojan® Diaphragms— #1 in Unwanted Pregancies

Originally posted 2005-06-03 17:57:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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21
Dec 09

Bush’s Wall against Mexico is 89 Years Too Late

Zimmerman Telegraph Interception in WWI

A forgotten fact about WWI is the interception of the Zimmerman Telegraph. Germany wanted to divert the US away from the war overseas. So their Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmerman instructed the German ambassador Heinrich von Eckardt via a telegram to convince Mexico to attack the United States.

It was VERY tempting for the Mexican president, Venustiano Carranza. Obviously, Mexico was still pissed off from losing Texas after decimating their army of 186 men at the Battle of the Alamo. But wisely they decided to stay neutral.


The last thing the citizens of Mexico wanted to do was to empower Texans with the right to legally kill Mexicans.

In recent news, the Minutemen of Texas have convinced themselves that during Saddam’s reign, the Prime Minister of Iraq, Iyad Allawi e-mailed the Mexican government to attack Texas.

They refer to it as the “Allawi E-mail Interception.”

GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
Fellow Texans, Bush has officially declared war against Mexico.

BORDER PATROL OFFICER
You got to be shittin’ me boy. We can kill them without getting’ in trouble. Halleluiah! There is a God.

Originally posted 2006-05-19 16:07:44. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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15
Dec 09

Gary Swanson lived a spartan lifestyle.

Gary was raised in an opharnage and lived in the dorms during college. After graduation, he never owned a car and although he always used public transportation was extremely punctual, and let’s not forget that Gary also fought off the Persians at the battle of Thermopylae.

Originally posted 2005-05-09 00:30:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

history — 2 Comments
14
Dec 09

Zimmerman Telegraph Interception in WWI

A forgotten fact about WWI is the interception of the Zimmerman Telegraph. Germany wanted to divert the US away from the war overseas. So their Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmerman instructed the German ambassador Heinrich von Eckardt via a telegram to convince Mexico to attack the United States.It was VERY tempting for the Mexican president, Venustiano Carranza. Obviously, Mexico was still pissed off from losing Texas after decimating their army of 186 men at the Battle of the Alamo. But wisely they decided to stay neutral.

The last thing the citizens of Mexico wanted to do was empowering Texas Border Patrol Officers with the right to legally kill Mexicans.

Governor of Texas
Fellow Texans, we have officially declared war against Mexico

Border Patrol Officer
You got to be shittin’ me boy. We can kill them without getting’ in trouble. Halleluiah! There is a God.


In recent news, the Minutemen of Texas have convinced themselves that during Saddam’s reign, the Prime Minister of Iraq, Iyad Allawi e-mailed the Mexican government to attack Texas.They refer to it as the “Allawi E-mail Interception.”

If you Googled, “Zimmerman Interception” click here to go to the main page: home

Originally posted 2004-08-06 15:14:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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12
Dec 09

EUGENICS by L. Ron Nuremberg

In 1839, anthropologist Samuel George Morton, father of American scientific racism†, wrote Crania Americana. He reported the mean cranial capacity of the skulls by races.

Whites

87 in³ (1,425 cm³)

Blacks

78 in³ (1,278 cm³)

Native Americans

82 in³ (1,344 cm³)

He claimed that the level of IQ is proportional to the size the brain.

Let’s assume Samuel “The Bigot” Morton was correct.

Pinky_and_the_Brain.jpg

How could he explain the abnormally large skulls consistently found in different Native American tribes?

Almost every tribe had one skull that was 1600 cm³. He systematically deleted this data because it conflicted with his hypothesis that Whites were the supreme race.

My theory is that these massive Charlie Brown-like heads must have belonged to the chiefs of the tribes. Through pain-staking research with laboratory rats and brownies packed with marijuana and microdots, I came to the conclusion that the largest cranial capacity were produced by higher THC consumption. The chiefs were in charge of peace and peace came in the form of a four-foot bowl of weed and peyote.

peacepipe.jpg

Look at a one dollar bill. George was a hemp lover and his noggin was gigantic.

US_$1_obverse.jpg

This your brain:

egg_hand300.jpg

This is your brain on drugs:

Ostrich_egg.jpg

†scientific racism racist propaganda disguised as science.

Originally posted 2006-03-13 01:56:44. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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6
Dec 09

The Original Scene From TRUE ROMANCE

CLIFFORD WORLEY(played by Dennis Hopper):So you’re a Sicilian, huh? You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find that shit fascinating. In fact, I don’t know if you know this or not, Sicilians were spawned by Gargemel the Wizard. It’s a fact. Sicilians have Smurf blood pumpin’ through their hearts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are Smurfs. Way back then, Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But, once the Moors moved in there, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin’ with the Sicilian women, they changed the blood-line for ever, from blond hair and blue eyes to white hats and blue skin. I find it absolutely amazing to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, Sicilians still carry that Smurf gene. I’m just quotin’ history. It’s a fact. It’s written. Your ancestors were Smurfs. Your great, great, great, great, great-grandmother was fucked by a Smurf, and had a half-Smurf kid. That is a fact. Now tell me, am I lyin’?”

Originally posted 2005-10-12 14:41:57. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

history / politics — 3 Comments
16
Nov 09

USS New York Being Built With WTC Steel by Katrina Survivors

Old steel mills in Pittsburgh are being fired up to melt beams from Oklahoma City’s Federal Building, wings from Pearl Harbor and salvaged pieces of the Lusitania.

The government is still trying to incorporate fragment’s of the Alamo, panel’s from Space Shuttle Columbia and wood from Custer’s Last Stand.

The Smithsonian donated the only surviving material from the Hindenburg to be woven into the original Iwo Jima flag which will be raised when it fires its cannons on “terror”.

Think I’m lying click here.

Originally posted 2006-06-02 00:08:07. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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9
Nov 09

The First Romeo and Juliet

It’s sad to say, but couples in interracial relationships today still encounter ignorant xenophobes.As difficult as they seem to be, they compare nothing to the challenges faced by our ancestors. In 1999, an archeologist in Portugal discovered a 24,500 years old hybrid skeleton created by a Neanderthal (Homo neanderthalenis) and a Cro-Magnon(Homo sapien).

Inter-species relationships would trump all modern day male-female tribulations. The Montagues and the Capulets did not produce the first “star-crossed lovers”. The tragic love story began over 24 millenniums ago.

Neanderthal females were constantly wooed away from their primitive lifestyles by the refined Cro-Magnon males. These sophisticated gentlemen could provide a romantic fire, expensive clothes, and a cave decorated with their own art. Arriving with the smell of Mammoth Musk® cologne and a designer fur pelt pretentiously tied around their neck. It’s the same clichéd Cinderella story retold in Gary Marshall’s Pretty Woman or in the majority of John Hughes’ movies. These women were weary of the barbaric, chauvinistic, frugal standards of the Neanderthal men. They wanted to taste the finer things in life, and did what they had to do in order to land a Cro-Magnon. Now the Homo Sapien men were shunned by their family for diluting their noble blood with peasant grade fuel. In addition, these men were accused of being exceedingly lonely and desperate individuals using their advanced technologies and distinguished attributes to exploit these women into submissive housekeepers and sex toys. Now granted, the comeliness level of the Neanderthals were extremely low, but love is blind to the superficial exterior albeit beefy and unsightly. These women proved to be very faithful, nurturing companions. For what ever reasons, be it true love or opportunistic greediness. They suffered the verbal abuse and disappointment from their friends and family.

The real problems arose when a child was born. It was never accepted by either species. Same dilemma endured by mules from horse-donkey parents or half-elves in Middle Earth.

Thanksgiving Dinner at the Neanderthals


COUSIN
I guess College Boy too good for us. (Mocking)Look at me…I’m a Homo Sapien…I only eat cooked meat…me afraid of getting sick…boo-hoo…What a homo!
Christmas Dinner at the Cro-Magnons
AUNT BARBARA
Ned, why don’t you try to be more civilized like my Charles. Do you think we enjoy seeing your privates at the dinner table. You certainly are destined to be a blue-collar type like your mother. You disappoint and disgrace our family name. It’s a good thing your grandfather died at the venerable age of thirty-one, so he wouldn’t have to endure the likes of you.

Originally posted 2004-10-16 17:06:54. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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