Dan AllenNYC-based producer and storyteller

a principal philosophy and system of religion of Astoria, Queens based upon the teachings of a guy named Danocrates Allenopolos in the 21st century.

Never eat cotton candy in the rain.

My battery charger is a necromancer.

Do healthy vampires prey on vegans?

An annoying German designer is called a deutschbag.

Spanish dictionaries should be called Mexicons.

I’m writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

Photographic memory is an outdated technology.

How did they describe a person who had a photographic memory prior to 1827?

I refuse to drink tap water, unless it’s disguised in a water fountain or as an ice cube.
I thought I was intelligent, but I have to spell-check Einstein’s name.

If pediatricians are doctors who treat children and pedophiles are adults who are attracted to children then pedestrians are people who ride children.

Are balloons appropriate at a funeral? I guess you send black ones or chocolates in a coffin-shaped box.

I need to work on my quads, my agent called me and said they needed a leg model for a film about FDR.

Eating an unwashed strawberry is like blowing a Mexican.

Autodidacts become hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist because they are intellectually insecure.

If you eat a mermaid, are you considered a cannibal or a sushi lover?

Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?

If John Hagee was a meteorologist, he would call it a Scategory 5 storm.

Lizz Winstead and the Shoot The Messenger crew invited me to be apart of this yesterday. It was good times. Best Easter I have had in awhile. Who wouldn’t love Lizz’s ham, great people and beer.

Check out all their videos at: wakeupworld.tv

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My friend Ben is extremely overweight—over 400 pounds. He’s always on some ridiculous diet to shed his excess fat. Right now he’s only eating apples and canned tuna fish.

I told him if he really wanted to reduce his “weight” just wait until the Moon was directly overhead and he would “weigh” less because the gravitational pull of the Moon would be pulling up on his body.

“That’s awesome!”, Ben said then asked, “How much would I weigh then?”

I answered, “Oh…about…three hundred and ninety-nine point nine nine eight.”

“Oh—not enough to make a difference,” he gloomily responded as he bit into a over ripened green apple.

“Hey man, just think. In twenty years, I’m sure NASA will have a lunar colony. If you moved there, you would only weigh 67 pounds. You would still be big as fuck, but have the weight of an eight year old.”

“Fuck you!”

Originally posted 2005-10-18 18:26:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

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Originally posted 2007-07-22 20:26:29. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Fuck the middle man, I like to get my trans fat right from the source. Five gallons for only twenty-two bucks. What a steal! My favorite part of this shot is the worried Wal-Mart employee in the background.

Originally posted 2008-01-02 15:11:42. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

I guess I should be grateful to have a car in NYC since 90% of my friends don’t have one (or I should take the hint, get rid of it and commit to mass transit). However, I still need it to get to gigs when I perform outside the city.

If potassium-packed bananas measured healthiness, my 1990 Honda Accord would be about to go into a Terry Schiavo-like coma.

It’s like the Millenium Falcon except that my shitty car can’t make a Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs. It barely is able to get to 88 mph. Even if I equipped it with a Flux Capacitor, I still wouldn’t be able to time travel because I would never reach the target speed.

No AC, the defroster is barely operational, my heater is stuck on the setting ‘Taint of Satan’, someone smashed my right side mirror, all my wheel covers have been stolen, an unknown leak keeps soaking my back seat, brakes are shot, my inside driver door handle is broke, my tape cassette player is broken (notice it’s not even a CD player) and I’ve heard kids on the subway with cellphone speakers better than my “sound system”.

Awesome!

Last week, my buddy and I were driving up to Albany. We were getting bored so we turned on the radio. As we were dialing through the stations, we came across a classic rock station that was playing Nine Inch Nails’ Closer. It made me feel like crap on two different levels.

One: They were playing NIN on a “classic” rock station which made me feel old.

Two: Hearing NIN on a victrola.

I envisioned Trent Reznor doing the Charleston and singing,
“I want to fuck you like an animal…boop-boop-pee-doo.”

Originally posted 2006-11-27 15:43:22. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Yo soy un cubito de pollo
Cuadrado
Quieto
Un pan sabroso
Envuelto en papel de lunche
Cerrado en pote
Sopa potencial
Algunos personas son minestrone
Algunos personas son chowder
Voy hacer caldo
Dejame agua y libertad

Translated by Ivette Almanzar

I am a chicken bouillon
Square
Unmoving
A flavored crouton
Wrapped in tin foil
Sealed in a jar
Soup potential
Some people are minestrone
Some people are chowder
I am broth to be
Give me water and set me free

In its original English version written by Dan Allen

I am a chicken cube
Square
Quiet
A flavorful bread
Surrounded in paper of lunche
Closed in pote
Potential soup
Some people are minestrone
Some people are to chowder
I go to make broth
Dejame water and freedom

Translated from Spanish to English using Google’s Language Tools:

Also in:

Italian

French

Spanish

Puerto Rican

Portuguese

Romanian

Estonian

German

Greek

Hebrew

Russian

Japanese

Mandarin

Tagalog

Finnish

Danish

Dutch

Polish

Geordie

Irish Gaelic

Afrikaans

Swahili

Ewe

Twi

Ga

English

Go back to the Tao of Dan

Originally posted 2005-01-02 00:12:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

The Aztecs considered it a sex stimulant.

Vegans love it for its Omega-3 fatty acids.

Now everytime I’m with a girl that orders an extra order of guacamole, I think, ‘Great. A health-slut.’

Originally posted 2005-11-23 19:58:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.