Danocrates discusses entertainment

My favorite line happens two and half minutes in:
“No…not “Happy Birthday”! No, not that! Please! No! NOT “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”!!!!”

Perhaps, this is why I’m not well. I still haven’t figured out why the cartoon is titled It’s Hummer Time.

Any ideas?

“The Autobots are the Protagonists in the Transformers Universe, they fight the “Evil Decepticons“. Both Autobots and Decepticons can ‘transform’ into machines, vehicles and other familiar mechanical objects. They often turn into civilian vehicles but some are aircraft and military vehicles. The primary protagonist and commander of the Autobots is Optimus Prime.”

“Decepticons are the enemies of the Autobots, and the Antagonists in the fictional universe of the Transformers and are led by Megatron. They are typically represented by the color purple. Primarily, Decepticons have red eyes, contrary to Autobots having blue eyes. They are known for their air power especially when most of them turn into aircraft like Starscream. They turn into Military vehicles and jets.”

The Accepticons are the most abused caste in the Transformer Universe, they are the Disantagonists. Accepticons have dim lit eyes, colored neutral light brown and are controlled by an unimpressive Commodore 64 “brain”. They are known for taking the worst jobs. They turn into garbage trucks, street sweepers, food carts, fertilizer spreaders, prom Humvee limos, rickshaws, pedicabs, 83’ Chevettes, etc…Basically, they turn into any vehicle that Autobots nor the Deceptacons would ever transform into. The primary disantagonist and reluctant “leader” is Pessimus Sub-Prime.

The Sluticons are the unregistered gypsy cabs. They will take any Transformer for a “ride” for a fee. Most Sluticons report to one Decepticon at the end of the night for protection and give him a percentage of their earnings. Theoretically, Autobots are not allowed to associate with Sluticons but a few scandalous images have been uploaded to the internet. In order to lure Autobots, Sluticons set up “car washes” financed by Decepticons and offer extra “services”. Once an Autobot asks for “The Works”, the Sluticons takes care of all their carnal vehicular desires. In Las Vegas and Amsterdam, the car wash centers are run legally by the Autobots and all the Sluticons are given a 30 point inspection every month.

I was asked to blog in the voice of Bill O’ Reilly.

Here’s my 6/4/07 entry:

I couldn’t stop thinking about AC last night. She consumes my thoughts. Imagining her whispering right-wing rhetoric into my ear at night makes my body quiver like a little Asian schoolgirl. As a teenager I use to watch the The Addam’s Family and would get an erection anytime Morticia would speak French into Gomez’s ear.

“When I first saw you from afar, My heart flamed with fierce passion. And when you spoke French, ooh-la-la!…”

Except, I would puke if she spoke in the guttural, non-coherent, amphibious language of freedom-haters. Not to mention AC’s spectacular boobs arouse me more than any FOX intern I’ve ever met or hired. Not that I would ever suggest that I would hire a person solely on the size of their mammary glands (but it always helps ☺).

After Googling her for hours and drinking a Viagra cocktail and listening to my favorite Kenny Rogers CD, I felt weird and a little stalker-ey. You know Mark Foley-ish but with a woman not a page (although I’m sure that some liberal made him do it. Read here).

My eyes ached, my lower back was killing me and I felt my mouse finger cramping up so I decided to go to bed. However, AC is my crack. I needed one more hit. So as I began my ritual of clearing my history trail so my wife wouldn’t know what I was trolling the Web, I was unable to control my fingers as they typed “A** C****** sexy” into the search box. I was shocked and confused when one of the results was titled, “C****** Comes Out as Transvestite Trickster”.

The reason I was “shocked and confused” was because my state of arousal heightened, my face became flush and my heart raced. It all made sense. I never could understand how a woman could be able to produce such wonderful ideas and be my equal in the war against liberal faggots.

I passed out on the couch in my study and dreamed that we made sweet love. I’ll let you guess who was the top and who was the bottom.

(Hint: Jack was my favorite character)

An undercover cop from Missouri tasered Chris Crocker in an airport bathroom outside of South Africa or the Iraq…such as.

I need to work on my quads, my legs were used in the documentary Warm Springs about FDR. It was the scene where the nurse was sponging his legs. I’m very famous.

If you’re going to see a movie, choose wisely.

I was on a first date once and we rented The Accused with Jodie Foster?”

Watching The Accused on the first date will make you more uncomfortable than watching Richard Simmons have sex with Janet Reno while they watch David Koresh have sex with an underage Branch Davidian while he fantasizes about Jodie Foster.

It seemed harmless. She asked, “Do you like Jodie Foster?”

I said, “Yeah. Who doesn’t? Who else is in it?”

“Kelly McGillis.”

“Well, I thought she was pretty hot in Top Gun. What’s it about?”

“I don’t know”, she said. “It says, ‘The first scream was for help. The second was for justice.’ I guess it’s a legal thriller.”

“Sounds great!” I said.

I probably don’t need to say this but NEVER EVER watch The Accused on the first date.

There will be NO coy, thigh-on-thigh “action.” And you can completely forget about the highly arousing ear-whispering that normally takes place, along with the out-dated, “fake yawn that turns into an embrace” will probably end with a face full of mace.

Once the camera zooms onto Jodie Foster being gang-raped on a pinball machine, know that your date
will slowly start to rock her self into a fetal position and start to cry.

How romantic.

After the movie ended, there was no eye contact between us, which was difficult because I still had to drive her home. There’s just something about a movie centered around a girl getting gang-raped on a pinball machine that ends your internal debate about whether to go in for the first kiss when you drop her off.

The only way I was able to pull off the rest of the “date” was to imagine that I was from 1885 and I was escorting a young lady from a funeral.

When we finally got to her house, I tipped my imaginary top hat, waxed the tips of my handlebar mustache, bowed and said,
“Good day, my lady. What a delightful evening?”

Then I rode off into the sunset on my old-time-y, high wheel!

Watch 1,500 inmates from a prison in the Philippines perform Thriller:

I guess a 99 point something APR is a deal when you are a former child star.

ver·bal bu·kka·ke [vur-buhl boo-ka-kay]:

Verbal bukkake is a group practice that features a person (usually drunk) being verbally abused on by multiple people (usually comedians, cops or drill sergeants).

Example:
The annoying drunk girl in the front row refused to shut-up so the remaining comics were forced to deliver a verbal bukkake upon her.

Origin:
[ July 2007; Pianos Bar, LES, NYC The Whitest Kids U Know Show]

Slang:
ver·bu·kka·ke [vur-boo-ka-kay]