Dan Allen » danisms

Never fight in a war if your last name is Medic.

Dan Allen — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 01:30:12 +0000

WOUNDED SOLDIER #1:
MEDIC!!

MEDIC:
What??

WOUNDED SOLDIER #2:
MEEEEDIC!!

MEDIC:
What the fuck do you want from me?

WOUNDED SOLDIER #1:
MEEEDIC!! Help me!

MEDIC:
I’m trying to shoot people over here for God’s sake. Leave me alone.

Dancing is the only* art form where most people have to get drunk first to “create”.

Dan Allen — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 00:40:47 +0000

*Karaoke is not art.

Is it in bad taste to send balloons to a funeral?

Dan Allen — Sat, 28 May 2011 12:55:16 +0000

I’m assuming black ones or perhaps chocolates in a coffin-shaped box.

My Watch is Special

Dan Allen — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 05:08:37 +0000

I get offended when people tell me my watch is slow. I like to think of it as chronologically challenged.~Danocrates Allenopolos

I also get offended when people use the word fucktard, not very PC. I like to say mentally fucked.~Danocrates Allenopolos

My battery charger is a necromancer.

Dan Allen — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 04:39:37 +0000

If pediatricians are doctors who treat children and pedophiles are adults who are attracted to children…

Dan Allen — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 02:37:39 +0000

…then pedestrians are people who ride children.

Furthermore, if octopus means “eight-legged” and Oedipus means “swollen foot” shouldn’t an iPod be called an iPus.

The Phrase “Flame Retardant” is a Little Harsh

Dan Allen — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 02:10:36 +0000

I like to say, “My pet ant is a homosexual with a learning disablity”.

Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?

Dan Allen — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 01:59:24 +0000

Anyone can master digital wizardry…

Dan Allen — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 23:41:51 +0000

…I want to master digital necromancy. Who cares if you can Photoshop? I will be able to resurrect my dead computer into a zombie computer.

If Luke never found out that Leia was his twin sister, would their child have had “special” abilities?

Dan Allen — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 21:53:50 +0000

I refuse to drink tap water, unless its disguised in a water fountain.

Dan Allen — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:58:51 +0000

If a person who balloons is called a balloonist and a person who bicycles is called a bicyclistâ€¦

Dan Allen — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 19:10:45 +0000

â€¦shouldnâ€™t a person who races be called a bigot*.

*I guess that makes sense because most people I know who are NASCAR fans are racists.

â€œA maggot who seeks to know himself would never become a housefly.â€ ~Danocrates Allenolopos

Dan Allen — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 04:52:31 +0000

Danocrates feels that butterflies are overrated. If scrutinized, a caterpiller is just a maggot with a fur coat and a butterfly is just a common housefly with pretty wings.

A caterpillar who seeks to know himself would never become a butterfly.

~Andre Gide quotes
(French writer, humanist and moralist, 1947 nobel prize for literature, 1869-1951)

Change is always good, unless your house burns down then thats bad.

Dan Allen — Wed, 05 May 2010 13:22:02 +0000

I never eat cotton candy in the rain.

Dan Allen — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 11:00:00 +0000

More words from Danocrates Allenopolos

Dan Allen — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 07:46:20 +0000

“When I chew on a piece of Dentyne Ice Arctic Chill, I feel like a polar bear crapped in my mouth.”~Danocrates

I’m writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

Dan Allen — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 05:11:52 +0000

It’s about a busboy named Enrique who is blown by a waitress whose father is a chiropractor of a women who just bought an autographed DVD of Footloose off of eBayâ„¢ from a guy in Phoenix who was actually blown by Kevin Bacon.

Is the word “leotard” offensive?

Dan Allen — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 13:22:33 +0000

leÂ·oÂ·tard [lee-uh-tahrd]

â€“noun
1.
a skintight, one-piece garment for the torso, having a high or low neck, long or short sleeves, and a lower portion resembling either briefs or tights, worn by acrobats, dancers, etc.

Slang: Disparaging
a. a Spandex-ally leotarded outfit.
b. a dumb lion
c. a costume that is stupid, obtuse, or ruined by a Bedazzeler in some way:
a hopeless social leotard.

Other questionable words:
tike
tycoon

Is it appropriate to call a Jewish baby a tike?

Dan Allen — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 03:30:21 +0000

I extend that to a baby adopted by a lesbian couple as well.

If dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire…

Dan Allen — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 10:51:46 +0000

then masturbating is a pathetic expression of dancing alone.

Dirty Dancing illustrates this point perfectly when Johnny teaches Baby how to “dance”.

Although, I’m not sure what Footloose was trying to convey when Kevin Bacon taught Chris Penn† how to “dance”. Perhaps ole Footloose was a ahead of its time in rural gay relationship movies.

† Thanks Ann