Danocrates discusses business
August 9th, 2005 — business
My cell phone was broken, so I had to take it into a Verizon Service Center.
Gary the technician rudely asked me, “Have you ever got your phone wet?”
I was extremely offended and defensively said, “That’s kind of personal, Gary.”
“Well, have you or haven’t you gotten your phone wet?”
“No. We’ve tried everything, but we still have to use lube. I’ve bought every accessory on the market. I only set her on vibrate, but I still can’t get her excited.”
“Did you read the manual?”
“I don’t need to read the fucking manual! I use to arouse my old Motorola StarTAC just fine”
“Those older analog models were dumb and easy. These new digital “smart” video camera/mp3/internet ready ones can be a little fickle.”
“Fickle…hmmpf…frigid—more like it. I couldn’t get this Ice Queen wet if I was Brad Pitt.”
June 1st, 2005 — business
Two of my many Orthorexic dietary restrictions are:
limit my dairy and saturated fat intake.
Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.
How do I justify my addiction?
The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any negative impact on our future society and environment: employee healthcare, urban youth development, its stance on BGH hormones in cows, and recyclable paper products.
They make me feel like I’m saving the planet—one pint at a time.
What are the ingredients in my beloved Chunky Monkey©?
Pure and simple:
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Water, Sugar, Walnuts, Bananas, Egg Yolks, Coconut Oil, Cocoa, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Guar Gum, Natural Flavors, Milkfat, Soya Lecithin, Carrageenan
The cream and milk are fortified with vitamin D from a loving cow, the spring water is purified, the sugar is from raw sugar canes, the bananas are organic and crammed with potassium, protein-packed walnuts, and the the endorphin-inducing calcium chunks of all-natural milk chocolate are blended together into a frosty, mouth-savoring, bowl of nutritious delight.
Unfortunately, this “green”, organic, eco-friendly exterior is hiding a “black”, crude, glutton-making interior.
Each pint contains 1,200 calories and 40 grams of saturated fat, the equivalent of 32 slices of bacon.
If you ate one pint a day for a year, you would consume 500,393 calories or 3,336 hot dogs.
Theoretically, there are four servings in one pint. Yeah, fucking right! It is aptly named, Chunky Monkey©. I’ve got a sweet monkey on my back that I can’t shake.
At least, heroine is illegal. I can buy my drug at a Texaco and eat it while I’m driving.
And let’s not forget to mention the ozone-depleting methane produced by the thousands of cows needed, which leads to global warming.
Let’s hope that Mad Cow Disease doesn’t ever attack Ben & Jerry’s™ supply. Chubby insurgents will invade Canada’s dairy farms for uncontaminated milk. Deplete their stocks and ravenously scour the Earth for untainted cows. The bovine elixir will become the catalyst for World War III.
Ben & Jerry’s™ can take their “Save the Planet” motto and shove it up their drug-dealing, capitalistic asses.
May 26th, 2005 — business
People like upgrades, especially when it comes to credit cards. Gold, Platinum, Titanium…it seems the harder the substance, the harder it is to obtain.
I think they are limiting themselves by sticking to different types of metals, they could broaden the range by labeling their cards with anything that is hard to do.
Such as:
A One-Legged Hurdler® Visa Card
Watching Jennifer Lopez’s Gigli® Master Card
Giving Roseanne Barr a PAP Smear® Discovery Card
Giving Ralphie May a PAP Smear® Diner’s Club Card
Staying an Anal Virgin in Prison® Fleet Card
Forgiving Your Father for Abandoning You® Chess King Card
Erasing Your History Trail on Your Internet Browser® Capital One Card
Still Love Your Fiancé Impregnated by Your Boss® Mervyns Card
December 17th, 2004 — business
I read in the NY Times that Sprint® and Nextel® have merged into one company worth 71 billion dollars. I can’t think of two shittier wireless services.Nextel® + Sprint® = Shit²
Next week we are going to read that Pabst Blue Ribbon® is combining with Old Natural Light® to produce the perfect brew.
SATISFIED COUNTRY BUMPKIN
Mmmm…mmmm…aahhh…This Old Blue Ribbon Light® is goddamn perfection.
November 30th, 2004 — business
They also have Chocolate Toffee: a taste of sweet indulgence. R.J. Reynold isn’t even trying to be subtle with their marketing tactics towards children and people with bad eating habits. Logically, they should merge with companies designed to seduce kids at an early age.
Willy Wonka:
Oompa Loompa® Lights
Nico-Nerds®
Disney:
Chip n’ Dale® Chewing Tobacco
Mickey Mouse® Mediums in a Soft Pack
Nickelodeon:
Sponge Bob Squarepants-alicious® Light 100s
I’m sure their market analysts have reported the fact that there is a growing trend of consumers who are worried about their health. Keep a look out for future marketing schemes for the health conscious.
Mother Earth’s Elemental Sticks®
All Organic Tar, Fortified with Flax Seed Oil (Omega-H), Non-Irradiated Nicotine
At Mother Earth™, we cherish every customer and strive for excellence. In this health-conscious world, we care about each customer’s well being. We guarantee every cigarette will have no artificial dyes or preservatives. In addition, every Mother Earth™ employee (their official title is, “Citizen®”) has health insurance, 401k, and is eligible for financial assistance for higher education. Mother Earth™ cherishes her Citizens® and loves humanity. We hope you enjoy smoking our cigarettes. With all the new anti-smoking laws, we are a dying breed. With your help, we can bring back smoking. Every carton you buy, we will donate $1 to The Cool Kids Fund™. They buy new Zippo® Lighters for underprivileged children in unfortunate situations.
Mother Earth™ has been filling people with healthy smoke since 1983.
September 20th, 2004 — business
Sample joke with specificity:
I walked into a Food Lion® and bought a box of Marlboro Lights®, and the cashier asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The government feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want cancer.
After going through the legal department:
I walked into a place that sold assorted goods and bought a box of cylindrical tubes filled with a legally grown substance made by a company that is following the federal guidelines set forth to dissuade future consumers, and the customer service representative asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The people elected democratically by the mass population feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want to increase the probabilities of getting symptoms which seem very likely to be linked to a very unfortunate disease that affects a large amount of people in the United States. In closing, just one dollar from each one of you tonight could help the program to help Americans stop smoking. God Bless the USA!!
September 9th, 2004 — business, entertainment
From: Dan Allen
Sent: Thursday, September 09, 2004 2:54 PM
To: legaldepartmentthatisscaredofgettingsued@yahoo.com
Subject: Coolio vs. Me
I am a copyright law neophyte, but I really would like to incorporate the phrase, “Ain’t no party like a Mercury Party, cuz a Mercury Party don’t stop…” into my Premium Blend set.
It is a parody of the song - Coolio’s 1-2-3-4 Sumpin’
Listed below are two similar cases, in which, the verdict was ruled in favor of the defendant.
1.) Roy Orbison vs 2 Live Crew
2 Live Crew, the rap group, did a parody of the Roy Orbison song, Pretty Woman, in their own extremely inimitable fashion. (Example: Big hairy woman, you need to shave that stuff) The resulting lawsuit got all the way to the Supreme Court, which came out with a landmark decision in favor of 2 Live Crew
2.) The City of New York vs SNL
“In its entirety, the original song “I Love New York” is composed of a 45 word lyric and 100 measures. Of this only four notes, D C D E (in that sequence), and the words “I Love” were taken and used in the SNL sketch (although they were repeated 3 or 4 times). As a result, the defendant now argues that the use it made was insufficient to constitute copyright infringement.
This Court does not agree. Although it is clear that, on its face, the taking involved in this action is relatively slight, on closer examination it becomes apparent that this portion of the piece, the musical phrase that the lyrics “I Love New York” accompany, is the heart of the composition. Use of such a significant (albeit less than extensive) portion of the composition is far more than merely a De minirnis taking.”
Blah…blah…blah…it goes on for days
Verdict:
Basing its decision on undisputed facts presented by the parties, as well as on a videotaped viewing of the television sketch containing the alleged infringement, the Court finds that the defendant’s use of the plaintiff’s jingle in the SNL sketch was a fair use, and that as a result no copyright violation occurred. Accordingly, the plaintiff’s motion for summary judgment is denied, and the defendant’s motion for surname judgment is granted. Tills action is hereby dismissed.
Source website: Click here
Final Verdict from Comedy Central:
They politely told me to, “Ixnay on the artypay.” The more I researched the phrase, the lamer it became
