Dan AllenNYC-based producer and storyteller

Sample joke with specificity:

I walked into a Food Lion® and bought a box of Marlboro Lights®, and the cashier asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The government feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want cancer.

After going through the legal department:

I walked into a place that sold assorted goods and bought a box of cylindrical tubes filled with a legally grown substance made by a company that is following the federal guidelines set forth to dissuade future consumers, and the customer service representative asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The people elected democratically by the mass population feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want to increase the probabilities of getting symptoms which seem very likely to be linked to a very unfortunate disease that affects a large amount of people in the United States. In closing, just one dollar from each one of you tonight could help the program to help Americans stop smoking. God Bless the USA!!

Originally posted 2004-09-20 18:53:03. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Two of my many Orthorexic dietary restrictions are:
limit my dairy and saturated fat intake.

Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.

How do I justify my addiction?

The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any negative impact on our future society and environment: employee healthcare, urban youth development, its stance on BGH hormones in cows, and recyclable paper products.

They make me feel like I’m saving the planet—one pint at a time.

What are the ingredients in my beloved Chunky Monkey©?

Pure and simple:
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Water, Sugar, Walnuts, Bananas, Egg Yolks, Coconut Oil, Cocoa, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Guar Gum, Natural Flavors, Milkfat, Soya Lecithin, Carrageenan

The cream and milk are fortified with vitamin D from a loving cow, the spring water is purified, the sugar is from raw sugar canes, the bananas are organic and crammed with potassium, protein-packed walnuts, and the the endorphin-inducing calcium chunks of all-natural milk chocolate are blended together into a frosty, mouth-savoring, bowl of nutritious delight.

Unfortunately, this “green”, organic, eco-friendly exterior is hiding a “black”, crude, glutton-making interior.

Each pint contains 1,200 calories and 40 grams of saturated fat, the equivalent of 32 slices of bacon.

If you ate one pint a day for a year, you would consume 500,393 calories or 3,336 hot dogs.

Theoretically, there are four servings in one pint. Yeah, fucking right! It is aptly named, Chunky Monkey©. I’ve got a sweet monkey on my back that I can’t shake.

At least, heroine is illegal. I can buy my drug at a Texaco and eat it while I’m driving.

And let’s not forget to mention the ozone-depleting methane produced by the thousands of cows needed, which leads to global warming.

Let’s hope that Mad Cow Disease doesn’t ever attack Ben & Jerry’s™ supply. Chubby insurgents will invade Canada’s dairy farms for uncontaminated milk. Deplete their stocks and ravenously scour the Earth for untainted cows. The bovine elixir will become the catalyst for World War III.

Ben & Jerry’s™ can take their “Save the Planet” motto and shove it up their drug-dealing, capitalistic asses.

Originally posted 2005-06-01 16:22:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

I read in the NY Times that Sprint® and Nextel® have merged into one company worth 71 billion dollars. I can’t think of two shittier wireless services.Nextel® + Sprint® = Shit²

Next week we are going to read that Pabst Blue Ribbon® is combining with Old Natural Light® to produce the perfect brew.
SATISFIED COUNTRY BUMPKIN
Mmmm…mmmm…aahhh…This Old Blue Ribbon Light® is goddamn perfection.

Originally posted 2004-12-17 14:24:14. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Hopefully other companies will follow suit:

McDonalds
We Invented Obesity

Starkist Tuna
Creating an Extinction. One Fish at a Time.

Exxon
One Beer Away from Another Situation

DeBeers
Turning Blood into Money Since 1948

Perdue
Re-Creating the Chicken®

Bank of America
Ascertaining Companies to Secede From the Nation

Tropicana Orange Juice
Highly Acidic Sugar Water in the Guise of Vitamin C
(The All-Purpose Ulcer-Making, Enamel Removing, Diabetes Inducing Fruit Juice was deemed too wordy)

Originally posted 2006-02-20 11:10:43. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Disclaimer:

An old post but some delightful young lady left a scathing comment. Enjoy!

They also have Chocolate Toffee: a taste of sweet indulgence. R.J. Reynold isn’t even trying to be subtle with their marketing tactics towards children and people with bad eating habits. Logically, they should merge with companies designed to seduce kids at an early age.

Willy Wonka:
Oompa Loompa® Lights
Nico-Nerds®

Disney:
Chip n’ Dale® Chewing Tobacco
Mickey Mouse® Mediums in a Soft Pack

Nickelodeon:
Sponge Bob Squarepants-alicious® Light 100s

I’m sure their market analysts have reported the fact that there is a growing trend of consumers who are worried about their health. Keep a look out for future marketing schemes for the health conscious.

Mother Earth’s Elemental Sticks®
All Organic Tar, Fortified with Flax Seed Oil (Omega-H), Non-Irradiated Nicotine

At Mother Earth™, we cherish every customer and strive for excellence. In this health-conscious world, we care about each customer’s well being. We guarantee every cigarette will have no artificial dyes or preservatives. In addition, every Mother Earth™ employee (their official title is, “Citizen®”) has health insurance, 401k, and is eligible for financial assistance for higher education. Mother Earth™ cherishes her Citizens® and loves humanity. We hope you enjoy smoking our cigarettes. With all the new anti-smoking laws, we are a dying breed. With your help, we can bring back smoking. Every carton you buy, we will donate $1 to The Cool Kids Fund™. They buy new Zippo® Lighters for underprivileged children in unfortunate situations.

Mother Earth™ has been filling people with healthy smoke since 1983.

Originally posted 2006-10-03 16:24:02. Republished by Old Post Promoter.