…but since I grew up as one I still feel awkward when people use the Lord’s name in vain.
So whenever I hear someone yell out, “Jesus Christ!!”
My brainwashed mind automatically amends what I hear by adding,
“Jesus Christ…was a real cool dude.”
Obviously, I do this secretly without losing street cred with my atheist and agnostic friends.
Although its one of the Ten Commandments, Christians seem to be the biggest offenders.
Recently, I was getting my oil change and the mechanic had a gold cross on a chain around his neck and a Footprints in the Sand poster on the wall. He accidentily bumped his head on the hood and screamed out,
“Jesus fucking Christ!!”
I was having a hard time morphing it into a positive statement. Then I realized it wasn’t so bad. Jesus is Christ and Christ is Jesus. So he really was just saying, “Jesus is masturbating” only incredibly loud. That’s not that horrible, unless of course you’re Catholic.
Then I imagined Jesus masturbating on Easter, and these five words resonated in my head:
A resurrection of an erection.
