Two of my many Orthorexic dietary restrictions are:
limit my dairy and saturated fat intake.
Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.
How do I justify my addiction?
The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any negative impact on our future society and environment: employee healthcare, urban youth development, its stance on BGH hormones in cows, and recyclable paper products.
They make me feel like I’m saving the planet—one pint at a time.
What are the ingredients in my beloved Chunky Monkey©?
Pure and simple:
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Water, Sugar, Walnuts, Bananas, Egg Yolks, Coconut Oil, Cocoa, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Guar Gum, Natural Flavors, Milkfat, Soya Lecithin, Carrageenan
The cream and milk are fortified with vitamin D from a loving cow, the spring water is purified, the sugar is from raw sugar canes, the bananas are organic and crammed with potassium, protein-packed walnuts, and the the endorphin-inducing calcium chunks of all-natural milk chocolate are blended together into a frosty, mouth-savoring, bowl of nutritious delight.
Unfortunately, this “greenâ€, organic, eco-friendly exterior is hiding a “blackâ€, crude, glutton-making interior.
Each pint contains 1,200 calories and 40 grams of saturated fat, the equivalent of 32 slices of bacon.
If you ate one pint a day for a year, you would consume 500,393 calories or 3,336 hot dogs.
Theoretically, there are four servings in one pint. Yeah, fucking right! It is aptly named, Chunky Monkey©. I’ve got a sweet monkey on my back that I can’t shake.
At least, heroine is illegal. I can buy my drug at a Texaco and eat it while I’m driving.
And let’s not forget to mention the ozone-depleting methane produced by the thousands of cows needed, which leads to global warming.
Let’s hope that Mad Cow Disease doesn’t ever attack Ben & Jerry’s™ supply. Chubby insurgents will invade Canada’s dairy farms for uncontaminated milk. Deplete their stocks and ravenously scour the Earth for untainted cows. The bovine elixir will become the catalyst for World War III.
Ben & Jerry’s™ can take their “Save the Planet†motto and shove it up their drug-dealing, capitalistic asses.
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