I was asked to deliver an eulogy last night at their 2-year anniversary of How to Kick People at Mo’Pitkins.
Here it is:
I will never be able to forgive God for this despicable thievery of two talented wordsmiths. God damn you, God! Why did you take these precious souls away from us? Was it because Bob was an atheist or was it because Todd was a Jew? Well, he didn’t have a choice. His mother inflicted him with her Hebe-o-nistic blood. He was just a baby, he didn’t know any better. Sorry about that. I just needed to get that out. My therapist calls this ‘cathartic bursts of clarity’.
I do thank God for taking them at the same time. One could only imagine what kind of an alcoholic Bert would have become without his life partner Ernie. Oscar without Felix, Batman without Robin, Lion-O without Snarf or insert the names of the countless other ambiguously gay but seemingly platonic relationships that have existed between two grown men.
If they were in fact gay, though we will never know, Bob would have definitely been the “top†and Todd would have been the “bottom†or the “cow†as they say in Chelsea.
Two peas from two different farms destined to be in the same pod. Bob’s farm was in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania outside of Philadelphia. Todd’s farm was in Albany, the capital city of this great state of New York.
Evolutionary biologists have claimed that the DNA in humans only varies 2% from chimpanzees. Bob and Todd’s had to have been less then .001%. If scientist had made a comparative analysis of their DNA strands, the only difference would have been the additional strands of hair attached to Todd’s face.
They’re similarities surfaced at a young age. At the age of twelve, they both played Dungeon and Dragons. Todd always played a frightened, half-elf druid who dreamed of being a bard and Bob played an enigmatic, seductive female necromancer who had an unhealthy relationship with her cat.
They both started a monthly show in high school. Todd’s show was called, How to Embrace Self-Doubt and Bob’s was called I Enjoy Kicking People.
It was predetermined by the “scientist†above for them to collaborate together. Two similar protons placed in a particle accelerator destined to collide and create an astronomical show, How to Kick People.
The hippest show in town. Its been featured in the New York Times, The Onion, TimeOut New York, and L Magazine. You name it, they’ve been on it. Since its inception, I’ve always wanted to perform on How To Kick People. As a performer, the first email request is always a delicate situation. You have to be assertive but not invasive—funny, but not too funny—flirtatious but dismissive at the same time. I’d like to read my first e-mail to Bob and Todd requesting to be on their line-up.
May 28th, 2005
Hola,
Congrats on both your nominations for the Emerging Comics awards.
I’m available this year but 2006 and 2007 do not look good. If you have any cancellations or future spots available, I’d be delighted.
I’ve written a few pieces that I would like to work out.
-Dan
I figured they get thousands possibly millions of emails everyday. So I waited. I decided to make a follow-up email six months later.
November 8th, 2005
Gentlemen,
I’m willing to give hand jobs for a spot on H2KP
-Dan
I finally got a response.
December 18th, 2005
Keep your pants on Allen. We hear you.
-Bob
Unfortunately, I never got to give those hand jobs.
I’d like to read a poem entitled, Where are you Bob and Todd?
(cue music: Rose from The Titanic Soundtrack)
Where are you Bob and Todd?
The Village needs you.
Who will the hipsters turn to?
Our daily reality is affected by your possible mortality.Grief, Anguish, Heartache
Embryonic Vonneguts aborted at the first trimester of life.
Transient textual prophets taken away against their will.At least Hemingway controlled his own demise
with Cheney’s weapon of choice.Damn you Thanatos! Damn you Osiris! Damn you Hades!
Fortunately, their words have been immortalized on the Web.
God bless the Web,
God bless America,
and God bless the troops!Where are you Bob and Todd?
The Village needs you.
(fade music)
Andre Du Bouchet hosted the funeral. Mike Albo, Dan Cronin, Lisa Whiteman, and Chris Regan also delivered eulogies as well. Mr. and Mrs. Levin also renewed their vows under the direction of Todd’s will.
