August 2009

Kent Powers Flight Academy

stories

Congratulations, and welcome to a new way of living. Hold your hands out …look at them…soon you will control their true ability…these flesh covered extensions of your soul are your answer to the universe. Once you have mastered this technique, you will be able to walk out and command any field on a blistery March [...]

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How I Make Baristas Feel Uncomfortable

food

My favorite coffee drink is a short Café Americano which is a shot of espresso and hot water. BARISTA What will you have? ME Short Americano. BARISTA Do you want a single or a double? ME (I place my hand on top of the BARISTA’s hand and gaze into the BARISTA’s eyes)Oh, I’m very single.(Then [...]

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My STD Tests are In: Good News and Some Bad News

sexuality

Last year, I asked my doctor to test my blood for any STDs that may be secretly destroying my body. He had me fill out some forms, drew my blood, and told me to call him in a week. Unfortunately, the dick didn’t tell me he was going on vacation for two weeks. The receptionist [...]

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What the hell is this?

people
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NASCAR Fans’ Infatuation with Their Drivers

history

Every time I perform in the South, somehow I manage to get surrounded by NASCAR fanatics meeting for the first time. Ritualistically, they start asking each other in a droning redneck mantra, “Who’s your favorite driver? Who’s your favorite dryy-ver? Who’s your favorite dryyy-ver?” Then every goofball starts sounding off: DOUCHEBAG #1 Rusty Wallace’s my [...]

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