Fuck the middle man, I like to get my trans fat right from the source. Five gallons for only twenty-two bucks. What a steal! My favorite part of this shot is the worried Wal-Mart employee in the background.
Originally posted 2008-01-02 15:11:42. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
Since I have a Treo, it’s very tempting to add the Unlimited Data Plan for $44.99 and have access to the internet 24/7 (Although I’m not sure if that is a blessing since I’m trying to ween off the web). Not to mention that the name of the pre-installed mobile-browser, Blazer, is very misleading. To me “Blazer” implies a speed equivalent to a samurai’s katana strike or the amount of time it takes Microsoft to make a million dollars…nanoseconds. This “Blazer” has the speed of a samurai underwater armed with a butterfly net or the amount of time it takes the Olsen twins to make a million dollars…minutes.
Theoretically, my monthly access charge is only $59 but with all the bells and whistles† (insurance, unlimited text messages, taxes, surcharges and other horse shit hidden fees) it explodes to $92. So the idea of paying $44.99 for a nineteen-ninety-seven-slower-than-dial-up connection does not sound that appealing.
I was quoted .002 cents per kilobyte by a Verizon rep for the Pay-As-You-Go Data Plan. That didn’t sound so bad so I decided to try it out. However, it’s actually .002 dollars per kilobyte††. Big difference. Not only is it a hundred times more expensive than I thought, you also burn up minutes from your total allowable minutes.
The first month I tried it, I rationed myself to extremely brief moments on the infamous World Wide Web to check out my Gmail with the new mobile app Google unleashed and managed to increase by bill by $39 in data usage charges. Fuck! When I say ‘brief’, I’m not exaggerating.
Everytime I hit the ‘Connect’ button on my phone, the theme from Mission Impossible pops into my head and I feel like I’ve initiated the launching sequence that will transform my phone into a thermal detonator.
It’s truly not healthy. I’ll be the only douche bag in existence to die of a heart attack due to thriftiness.
† Which is upsetting because I’ve never received one bell or a whistle from Verizon
†† Verizon Reps suck at math: here and here
Originally posted 2006-12-21 17:25:45. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
I guess I should be grateful to have a car in NYC since 90% of my friends don’t have one (or I should take the hint, get rid of it and commit to mass transit). However, I still need it to get to gigs when I perform outside the city.
If potassium-packed bananas measured healthiness, my 1990 Honda Accord would be about to go into a Terry Schiavo-like coma.
It’s like the Millenium Falcon except that my shitty car can’t make a Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs. It barely is able to get to 88 mph. Even if I equipped it with a Flux Capacitor, I still wouldn’t be able to time travel because I would never reach the target speed.
No AC, the defroster is barely operational, my heater is stuck on the setting ‘Taint of Satan’, someone smashed my right side mirror, all my wheel covers have been stolen, an unknown leak keeps soaking my back seat, brakes are shot, my inside driver door handle is broke, my tape cassette player is broken (notice it’s not even a CD player) and I’ve heard kids on the subway with cellphone speakers better than my “sound system”.
Awesome!
Last week, my buddy and I were driving up to Albany. We were getting bored so we turned on the radio. As we were dialing through the stations, we came across a classic rock station that was playing Nine Inch Nails’ Closer. It made me feel like crap on two different levels.
One: They were playing NIN on a “classic” rock station which made me feel old.
Two: Hearing NIN on a victrola.
I envisioned Trent Reznor doing the Charleston and singing,
“I want to fuck you like an animal…boop-boop-pee-doo.”
Originally posted 2006-11-27 15:43:22. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
Yo soy un cubito de pollo
Cuadrado
Quieto
Un pan sabroso
Envuelto en papel de lunche
Cerrado en pote
Sopa potencial
Algunos personas son minestrone
Algunos personas son chowder
Voy hacer caldo
Dejame agua y libertad
Translated by Ivette Almanzar
I am a chicken bouillon
Square
Unmoving
A flavored crouton
Wrapped in tin foil
Sealed in a jar
Soup potential
Some people are minestrone
Some people are chowder
I am broth to be
Give me water and set me free
In its original English version written by Dan Allen
I am a chicken cube
Square
Quiet
A flavorful bread
Surrounded in paper of lunche
Closed in pote
Potential soup
Some people are minestrone
Some people are to chowder
I go to make broth
Dejame water and freedom
Translated from Spanish to English using Google’s Language Tools:
Also in:
Go back to the Tao of Dan
Originally posted 2005-01-02 00:12:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
The Aztecs considered it a sex stimulant.
Vegans love it for its Omega-3 fatty acids.
Now everytime I’m with a girl that orders an extra order of guacamole, I think, ‘Great. A health-slut.’
Originally posted 2005-11-23 19:58:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
Originally posted 2005-04-27 16:53:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
Check out Line 20
If you don’t believe me, click here
Originally posted 2007-03-30 08:14:38. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
