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December 10th, 2008

himself — 5 Comments
10
Dec 08

Pluto Colonists Rejoice for Return Back to Earth

Since Pluto is offically no longer a planet, Earthlings stationed on Pluto were ordered to come back home. The majority of the colonists were elated about the government’s decision. According to a poll survey, the number one reason for wanting to return to Mother Earth was the length of day. One Plutonian day is the equivalent of seven Earth days. The colonists kept lamenting to their relatives through electomagenetic mail about the lethargic days that never seemed to end. Following at a close second in the poll was losing fingers due to freezing temperatures. Third place went to the new Sewage is Food program.

COLONIST #1

(Calls COLONIST #2 at work) Hey dude, what’s up.

COLONIST #2

Not much just waiting for shipment of oxygen from corporate.
COLONIST #1
Sucks, I called in sick today. What are you doin’ tonight?
COLONIST #2
I don’t know dude. That’s like a week from now. Probably grow a goatee.

Originally posted 2006-08-28 13:26:39. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

himself — No Comments
10
Dec 08

Performing Old Material Versus Writing New Material

I heard Tony Bennett being interviewed on the radio and asked if he ever gets tired from singing his 1962 hit “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”.

He coyly responded with his own question, “Do you ever get tired of making love?”

As a comedian, I feel the same way about some of my jokes.

We (comedians) call these gems: our evergreen, “A” material. It doesn’t matter how old the joke is there is a high probablity that it will envoke laughter from an unsuspecting audience.

However, I don’t necessarily agree with Bennett’s analogy with love-making. Whenever I find myself spitting out a “classic” bit and get a great response, it feels more like I just mastubated to dirty jpegs instead of making love to an actual woman.

The fleeting, orgasmic feeling of laughter is immediately followed by the post-auto-coitus-clean-up-guilt because I reverted to an old joke rather than work on new material.

It gets the job done but I’d rather create new stuff.

Originally posted 2006-10-23 16:01:36. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

himself — 1 Comment
10
Dec 08

I Don’t Understand NASCAR Fans’ Infatuation with Their Drivers

Every time I perform in the South, somehow I manage to get surrounded by NASCAR fanatics meeting for the first time.

Ritualistically, they start asking each other in a droning redneck mantra, “Who’s your favorite driver? Who’s your favorite dryy-ver? Who’s your favorite dryyy-ver?”

Then every goofball starts sounding off:

“Rusty Wallace’s my man!”
“Man, I love Jeff Gordon!”
“I’m a Mark Martin Man!”

This is confusing because these quasi-homoerotic proclamations are always given by very “heterosexual” men who smell like WD-40, stale Budweiser, and campfire smoke.

There are millions of closeted NASCAR fans, trying to get out.

This is what they really are saying:

“Mark Martin’s my man, I used to like Kyle Petty but he wouldn’t shave his moustache and it kinda hurt when we kiss and stuff and Ernie Irvin broke my heart in 93’. That’s why I’m a Mark Martin Man, now! I tell you what boy, every time I see a Number Six, Viagra car, I get hard as a can of Copenhagen!”

This is my impression of a NASCAR fan in Ancient Greece:
“Who’s your favorite diety? Who’s your favorite dee-ahh-tee? Who’s your favorite dee-ahhh-tee?”

“Zeus is my man!”
“Man, I love Apollo!”
“I’m a Bacchus Man!”

“Bacchus is my man, I used to like Apollo, but we had to write poetry and shit and the Church of Aphrodite was fun but then I got gonorrhea. That’s why I’m a Bacchus Man, now! I tell you what boy, every time I see a fat guy surrounded by a bunch of drunken centaurs I get hard as a column at the Parthenon.”

Originally posted 2005-10-24 16:09:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.