I Promise I Won’t Mess Up

Dan [at] DanAllen [dot] com

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a principal philosophy and system of religion of Astoria, Queens based upon the teachings of a guy named Danocrates Allenopolos in the 21st century.

Never eat cotton candy in the rain.

My battery charger is a necromancer.

Do healthy vampires prey on vegans?

An annoying German designer is called a deutschbag.

Spanish dictionaries should be called Mexicons.

I'm writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

Photographic memory is an outdated technology.

How did they describe a person who had a photographic memory prior to 1827?

I refuse to drink tap water, unless it’s disguised in a water fountain or as an ice cube.

I thought I was intelligent, but I have to spell-check Einstein's name.

If pediatricians are doctors who treat children and pedophiles are adults who are attracted to children then pedestrians are people who ride children.

Are balloons appropriate at a funeral? I guess you send black ones or chocolates in a coffin-shaped box.

I need to work on my quads, my agent called me and said they needed a leg model for a film about FDR.

Eating an unwashed strawberry is like blowing a Mexican.

Autodidacts become hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist because they are intellectually insecure.

If you eat a mermaid, are you considered a cannibal or a sushi lover?

Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?