I played basketball today and realized I was extremely hungry. I dipped into Gourmet Garage to buy something to eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, so I roamed aimlessly around until I found something.
Luckily, The cheese department had five platters of cheese cubes with a cup of toothpicks.
Famished, I plucked out a cube and bit it off the end of the toothpick. I sucked off the lingering smokey flavor that seemed infused into the wood. Still starving, I went to the next tray, then the next, then the next and finally hit the last tray and felt a pang of guilt for eating so much cheese for free. Then out of nowhere, some Botoxed Upper Eastsider bitch felt she needed to teach me some manners.
Another woman pushed her cart directly in between the Upper Eastsider Bitch and me. She was shocked by my expletive statement. I told her the dialogue I had exchanged with the crazy lady. Fortunately, she agreed with me (but I suspect she wanted an easy out of the situation) Then I proceeded to talk to each person and stated my case. Oddly, everyone agreed with me. I realize now that I probably scared everyone I encountered.
The paradox of calling someone a “fucking lunatic” to everyone who walks by because that particular person didn’t like how you ate cheese makes you look like a “fucking lunatic”.
29 comments ↓
Isn’t living in NY great? You can call people out in the grocery store for being f*cking lunatics.
I have to admit that I lowered my voice when I said it, but I’m sure she heard it.
Normally, I ignore crazy people. Once you smell their urine stained pants, you think to yourself, “Ohhh…they’re crazy” and then walk away.
But I felt I needed to confront this lady because I’m sure does this all day long unchecked.
It will take every citizen of NYC to stop this woman.
So random, but what time were you there? I saw a guy doing that in an UES Gourmet Garage last night and internally debated whether or not it was sanitary. I eventually decided it was. How strange.
you behaved correctly. your only mistake was lowering your voice.
did you buy any of the cheese?
People are oddly brain-dead about that stuff. I’ve been told to “PLEASE use the tongs” by a cafeteria lady after carefully picking up a roll without touching the other breads. (In fact the tongs are less sanitary, because then you’re TOUCHING the same thing as everyone else! BRING ME THE CLOROX!)
Cheers for teaching that self-righteous (and wrong) bitch a lesson. (I chickened out on doing the same to the caf lady.)
Haha brilliant! Well done for fighting back. You should have jabbed her in the eye with your ‘pick.
You’re an asshole.
I always get into similar arguments with old women who feed pigeons downtown. The arguments usually go like this:
Me: “You shouldn’t feed pigeons. They carry diseases, and you’re also feeding rats.”
Old lady: “Leave the poor birds alone, asshole!”
Me: “Get out my neighborhood and go back to your cave, you fucking bitch!”
Old lady: “Stupid faggot piece of shit!”
I love old ladies.
To UES-er:
Around 3PM at 95th and Park
To Anon:
Get some balls and leave your name/website.
To chris:
I did NOT buy any cheese, but I did get some chicken and mashed potatoes.
This is the same type of person who treats everyone like “the help”. You know she treats her housekeeper like dirt under her shoes too, and probably her children, who hate her.
If you are buying the cheese, why is this unsanitary? The more toothpicks you use, the more chance you have of picking up some nasty bacteria anyway….did you see the Dateline special about the bagged salad??
Yes it is unsanitary, because as the toothpick that was in your mouth comes out, believe it or not you shed spit droplets, and as we all not bacteria is really really tiny. It’s like double dipping your chips. On the other hand, for this woman to expect civilized behaviour from anyone is pretty outrageous. Besides eating out of group slop trays at the local grocery is gross anyway.
The “Fucking Lunatic” only percieved it to be unsanitary… As does Jason who may think there are more tiny spit droplets on your used toothpick than in the hot air this woman was spewing from her proverbial cheese hole. High five to Danocrates…. next time you should lick the cheese and put it back on the tray with a defiant smile…..tell ‘em your lactose and idiot intolerant…..
I just found this blog and
i call balderdash on Jason’s comment
“Yes it is unsanitary, because as the toothpick that was in your mouth comes out, believe it or not you shed spit droplets, and as we all not bacteria is really really tiny. “
can you tell us the height of the Manners-Wench?
I’m 6′6″ so everyone looks a little short, but I’m guessing she was about 5′7″
You’re an asshole. Luckily, this post is anonymous.
and this is exactly why I pass up all the free food samples.
I find digesting the food twice helps overall
When that woman said it was unsanitary you should have shoved your face in the platter of cheese, swishing your tongue over each platter completely, making sure to get every piece of cheese.
Dan - that’s the bitch you’re gonna marry! Hahahahahahaha!
sorry to say, i agree with the woman, but not her methods. first, complimentary cheese cubes as an after basketball snack screams of the 10th grade, of which you’ve long graduated, at least intellectually, if not emotionally or nutritionally. second, as you can see from your mock photo, the cubes are not placed pyramid style, but more of a rubble configuration, and there’s a significant chance that your saliva covered toothpick may simply tip a cube and then careen off several others, spreading your DNA several layers down into the rubble. this mishap seems more likely considering your state of hunger and probable dehydration(unless they also had free samples of water). if you’re worried about the waste of toothpick wood as i am, try working on the mulitiple stab. i’ve seen upwards of 3 or even 4 cubes on one stick. again, i wouldn’t have said a word, only a non verbal glance of disgust and pity.
I hate people that say, “Just so you know…”
it’s like “Oh thankyou sooo much for your infinite wisdom, I’m such a moron & am now a better person because of you.”
sadly enough….the lady was right. Its i guess also considered etiquette. Not saying i agree with her but, it wasnt her place to say anything. If it was a big enough deal the employees could have said something to you directly which they usually dont do….usually only pompous bitches will bring it to your attention. FUN.
But she lives on the UES, so she’s ALLOWED to say that. It’s because she lives there, you see.
I’m a paranoid person and would have been queasy at the sight of someone using the same toothpick in several trays but I would never say anything because those same trays are exposed to the dander of every person walking by. I’m glad you confronted the bitch. I’ve been to that location many a time and the people can be such assholes.
Toothpicks? what’s wrong with using your hands like we do in Texas? Living up North has changed you, you probably bathe everyday too, godddamn liberal
I have a confession to make. When I first started reading, I agreed with the UES lady. I mean, I hadn’t thought through the fact that you actually were only touching one piece of cheese per stab. But, from a distance, I can see why seeing someone use the same toothpick over and over might seem disgusting.
Now my story: I once saw a homeless guy walk into Westside Market, and stick his dirty paw into the free cheese, literally grabbing gobs of the stuff, and walk out. When I walked over, several of the remaining cheese cubes had dirty fingerprints on them. That was the day I decided not to eat cheese cubes left out for free sampling.
I read this and cannot stop laughing.
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