My Family is Cursed Because of My Eighth Great Uncle was an Asshole

I have always felt that there has been a dark Charlie Brown-esque cloud hovering over me my entire life. Fortunately, I have been able react to every “detour” the Road of Life has thrust upon me. Some have taken me on five year misadventures on paths that required me to get out of my car and hack through with a machete. Annoyingly, I could see below through the thorn-laden bushes that other vehicles were blithely speeding along never leaving the interstate on cruise control with a fuel tanks of gas. Throughout my life, I have been thrown in jail, almost killed by a shark, moose and a cop, unscrupulously lost my virginity, lived hand-to-mouth, not attained any assets and to this day have not received a college degree.

I decided to research my family history to determine where we started to fuck up. I started with my father’s side. Through interviews and studying censuses and going online, I have posted below my family tree starting with my great grandfather Howard Pratt Allen.

Let’s talk about Howard’s fifth great grandfather Lt. Thomas Putnam (1614-1686). He was the father of the dick of dicks Thomas Putnam (1651-1699) and he was the one who provided the devil seed that sprouted into the infamous Ann Putnam, Jr. (1679-1716).

For those unaware of who the Putnams were, they played a crucial role in the Salem Witch Trials.

Putnam was one of the most active accusers during the trials. She claimed to have been afflicted by 62 different people, and testified in many trials. Some believe the continuance of the trials was due to the attention given to the accusers, which was unheard of in Puritan times.

At least, now I have an idea why I’m fucked. Let this be known, I personally apologize to all the people (or witches) who died because of my family.