Entries from January 2008 ↓

I promised a friend that I would be in his short film today and he asked me to dress the part of an Ivy leaguer.

So I decided to go with something like this:

I felt good. I felt educated. I was ready. Then the most unexpected thing came out of a Starbucks cashier’s mouth.

It wasn’t awkward because I thought he was hitting on me. That I could have handled. Living in NYC, I’ve been “hit on” by guys several times in my life. It’s not that big a deal. What made it strange was the fact that he wasn’t gay.

Who says that to people? Was it because I was dressed like an Ivy leaguer. Is there a whole new world out there for the elite? I felt like Eddie Murphy when he painted himself white and received a free newspaper.

I’ve changed back to my normal, proletarian wear. Everything is back to normal.

My grasp of the English language is Mr. Burns-ian weak. I wish Smithers would stand by me and correct all my errors. I grew up in various trailer parks in South Florida and Texas, so my ability to pronounce particular words can be a burden. I also misuse words or create ones that don’t even exist. Take the word irregardless. Somehow it has infiltrated into our modern vernacular.

“Irregardless is considered nonstandard because of the two negative elements ir- and -less.”

But the prize-winning misusage of all words is the seemingly, innocent twelve-letter word: scatological.

“Scatology is the study of feces. In literature, it is used to describe works that make particular reference to excretion or excrement, as well as to toilet humor.”

As in, “Watch out for that dog scat!” or in Spanish, “¡Cuidado con las que mierda de perro!”

I thought the etymology of the word was derived from scat which is an improvised, jazz singing style.

Scat singing is vocal improvisation with nonsense words and syllables or without words at all. Scat singing gives singers the ability to sing improvised melodies and rhythms, to create the equivalent of an instrumental solo using their voice.

So I would use the word to describe people who conveyed non-linear ideas in a fluid manner. Which is mortifying because people would misconstrue my non-sensical statements.

I would say, “The movie was too scatological for most people, but personally I really enjoy that type of film.”

They would hear, “The movie was non-stop, “Larry the Cable Guy” poop jokes for most people, but personally I really enjoy that type of film.”

Now it makes sense why I turned so many girls off in the early stages of my comedy “career”:

At that point the girl would stare at me like I confessed that I created an organization that protects the rights of people who like to rape babies, give me a weird look and would slowly slip out of the conversation with Poops McGee or The Scat Man (which was my stage name at the time).

I’m an idiot.

Other verbal offenses:
trinkle instead of trickle (pertaining to money)
exuberant instead of exorbitant (also pertaining to money)
kitten gloves instead of kid gloves

When I was six, my urologist, Dr. Bartholomew, informed me that I had an undescended testicle and he would have to perform surgery on me.

This was shocking because I didn’t even know what a testicle was…

Snip, snip, push, push, stitch, stitch

Once I recovered and went back to Dr. Bartholomew for a post-operative examination, he had a very serious discussion with me.

He told me that three things could happen to me when I get older:
1) I could have a hernia
2) Develop testicular cancer
3) My newly descended testicle will not take and never grow

At this point, I reminded the doctor that I was only six. I was concentrating more on what flavor of Jolly Rancher lollipop to choose from the candy jar at the end of the visit rather than think about the variations of my imminent doom.

My biggest fear was that I would die before Empire Strikes Back would be released.

He said I didn’t have to be afraid of dying…just yet.

However, he was very concerned about my body rejecting the new ball and I become a tenor-soprano half-eunuch. He handed me a “magazine”, which I discovered to be a synthetic testicle replacement (“falsies”) catalog. Sizes ranged from “petite” to “XL”. As a born and raised, materialistic, young American, my eyes obviously went to the “XL”. Super Size Me!

Dr. Bartholomew said it was too big and I wouldn’t look proportional. I didn’t care; I wanted the biggest one they had.

I was really lucky because my body accepted the hibernating, ellipsoidal orb of life. This was really fortunate, because the government banned prosthetic silicone testicles in humans. Forcing thousands of lopsided men to find refuge with black-market veterinarians, who performed illegal surgeries using dog “falsies” called Neuticals® .

So compared to option #2 or #3, I never thought I would be so happy to hear I have a hernia.

I am a blessed…kind of

It was a huge victory for Evangelical Christians at the Iowa Caucus. Their “Christ” has risen in form of a former governor of Arkansas named Mike Huckabee.

It’s interesting that he governed Arkansas because if you dissect the word “Arkansas”, it’s basically “Ark” and “Kansas” merged as one.

Which makes sense because Kansas legislators decided that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution should be optional and the Theory of Intelligent Design(ID) should be also taught and let the students decide.

Feeling more powerful and confident that Middle America is behind him, Huckabee is now campaigning against the actual geometric shape of the Pentagon because it can be inscribed with a Satanic pentacle.

This fiery, five-sided, paganistic polygon has been the official symbol for Satan since the birth of mankind. If they succeed,the Department of Defense will be renamed the Department of Divine Defense and the construction of a new, twelve-sided building called the Dodecagon, fashioned into the shape of a cross, will replace the Satanic star.

“Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaitra les siens.”
-Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux,during the Fourth Crusade, outside the fortified city of Beziers in July,1209

Which translates to,“Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth them that are His.”

or

“Kill’em all, let God sort ‘em out!” in Marine talk

UPDATE:

Dark Phoenix on 11.10.07 at 8:32 pm

the five sided star is NOT a satanic symbol! it is an ancient symbol representing female divinity. the satanic star is upside down! please research something before you make comments on it. you really sound like an idiot

So sorry, Dark Phoenix…

I apologize for being off by 40 degrees to the right. Satan forgive me for I have sinned. I am an idiot…oh Dark Phoenix.

PS. How can a Phoenix be dark? A little oxymoronic if you ask me but then again I’m the idiot.

PSS. I love you Dark Phoenix.

PSSS. As an idiot, I love other idiots.

“The Autobots are the Protagonists in the Transformers Universe, they fight the “Evil Decepticons“. Both Autobots and Decepticons can ‘transform’ into machines, vehicles and other familiar mechanical objects. They often turn into civilian vehicles but some are aircraft and military vehicles. The primary protagonist and commander of the Autobots is Optimus Prime.”

“Decepticons are the enemies of the Autobots, and the Antagonists in the fictional universe of the Transformers and are led by Megatron. They are typically represented by the color purple. Primarily, Decepticons have red eyes, contrary to Autobots having blue eyes. They are known for their air power especially when most of them turn into aircraft like Starscream. They turn into Military vehicles and jets.”

The Accepticons are the most abused caste in the Transformer Universe, they are the Disantagonists. Accepticons have dim lit eyes, colored neutral light brown and are controlled by an unimpressive Commodore 64 “brain”. They are known for taking the worst jobs. They turn into garbage trucks, street sweepers, food carts, fertilizer spreaders, prom Humvee limos, rickshaws, pedicabs, 83’ Chevettes, etc…Basically, they turn into any vehicle that Autobots nor the Deceptacons would ever transform into. The primary disantagonist and reluctant “leader” is Pessimus Sub-Prime.

The Sluticons are the unregistered gypsy cabs. They will take any Transformer for a “ride” for a fee. Most Sluticons report to one Decepticon at the end of the night for protection and give him a percentage of their earnings. Theoretically, Autobots are not allowed to associate with Sluticons but a few scandalous images have been uploaded to the internet. In order to lure Autobots, Sluticons set up “car washes” financed by Decepticons and offer extra “services”. Once an Autobot asks for “The Works”, the Sluticons takes care of all their carnal vehicular desires. In Las Vegas and Amsterdam, the car wash centers are run legally by the Autobots and all the Sluticons are given a 30 point inspection every month.

I have always felt that there has been a dark Charlie Brown-esque cloud hovering over me my entire life. Fortunately, I have been able react to every “detour” the Road of Life has thrust upon me. Some have taken me on five year misadventures on paths that required me to get out of my car and hack through with a machete. Annoyingly, I could see below through the thorn-laden bushes that other vehicles were blithely speeding along never leaving the interstate on cruise control with a fuel tanks of gas. Throughout my life, I have been thrown in jail, almost killed by a shark, moose and a cop, unscrupulously lost my virginity, lived hand-to-mouth, not attained any assets and to this day have not received a college degree.

I decided to research my family history to determine where we started to fuck up. I started with my father’s side. Through interviews and studying censuses and going online, I have posted below my family tree starting with my great grandfather Howard Pratt Allen.

Let’s talk about Howard’s fifth great grandfather Lt. Thomas Putnam (1614-1686). He was the father of the dick of dicks Thomas Putnam (1651-1699) and he was the one who provided the devil seed that sprouted into the infamous Ann Putnam, Jr. (1679-1716).

For those unaware of who the Putnams were, they played a crucial role in the Salem Witch Trials.

Putnam was one of the most active accusers during the trials. She claimed to have been afflicted by 62 different people, and testified in many trials. Some believe the continuance of the trials was due to the attention given to the accusers, which was unheard of in Puritan times.

At least, now I have an idea why I’m fucked. Let this be known, I personally apologize to all the people (or witches) who died because of my family.

Fuck the middle man, I like to get my trans fat right from the source. Five gallons for only twenty-two bucks. What a steal! My favorite part of this shot is the worried Wal-Mart employee in the background.