Entries from November 2007 ↓

I am a nerd.

I have contacted the U.S. Census and Department of Forestry and have calculated the number of Christmas trees slain since 1830 here in the United States.

After hours of geekish research, I have estimated 2.4 billion Christmas trees have been wiped out.

With the average tree density of a normal forest, that equates to 75,000 square miles (roughly the size of the entire state of South Dakota).

If you assume the mean height is 6 ft. and were to stack the trees end to end, they would go around the Earth 118 times or create 15 columns extending to the Moon
(approximately 186, 000 miles away).

I then asked myself, “Who lives in the forest?”
I know that Winnie the Pooh lives in “The Hundred Acres Wood”. So feasibly, one could deduce that every hundred acres produces one Pooh bear. Since seventy-five thousand square miles have been destroyed, the blood of a half a million Pooh bears rest on the shoulders of the paganistic ritual of Christians.

A Poohicide.

Jesus was a Jew, but he also was an anti-Poohite.

Merry Christmas!

I was asked to blog in the voice of Bill O’ Reilly.

Here’s my 6/4/07 entry:

I couldn’t stop thinking about AC last night. She consumes my thoughts. Imagining her whispering right-wing rhetoric into my ear at night makes my body quiver like a little Asian schoolgirl. As a teenager I use to watch the The Addam’s Family and would get an erection anytime Morticia would speak French into Gomez’s ear.

“When I first saw you from afar, My heart flamed with fierce passion. And when you spoke French, ooh-la-la!…”

Except, I would puke if she spoke in the guttural, non-coherent, amphibious language of freedom-haters. Not to mention AC’s spectacular boobs arouse me more than any FOX intern I’ve ever met or hired. Not that I would ever suggest that I would hire a person solely on the size of their mammary glands (but it always helps ☺).

After Googling her for hours and drinking a Viagra cocktail and listening to my favorite Kenny Rogers CD, I felt weird and a little stalker-ey. You know Mark Foley-ish but with a woman not a page (although I’m sure that some liberal made him do it. Read here).

My eyes ached, my lower back was killing me and I felt my mouse finger cramping up so I decided to go to bed. However, AC is my crack. I needed one more hit. So as I began my ritual of clearing my history trail so my wife wouldn’t know what I was trolling the Web, I was unable to control my fingers as they typed “A** C****** sexy” into the search box. I was shocked and confused when one of the results was titled, “C****** Comes Out as Transvestite Trickster”.

The reason I was “shocked and confused” was because my state of arousal heightened, my face became flush and my heart raced. It all made sense. I never could understand how a woman could be able to produce such wonderful ideas and be my equal in the war against liberal faggots.

I passed out on the couch in my study and dreamed that we made sweet love. I’ll let you guess who was the top and who was the bottom.

(Hint: Jack was my favorite character)

The growing population of monkeys in New Delhi, India has been an epidemic for quite some time because many Hindus worship the deity Hanuman, a monkey god who symbolizes strength.

It became international news when a gang of marauding monkeys mauled their deputy mayor to death.

When I read this, my first thought was, “Man, monkeys suck.”

My second thought was, “Man, what the fuck did he do to all those monkeys?”

My third thought was, �Man, that guy probably molested a baby monkey and when the family heard about it they went ballistic and tore that dude to shreds.�

My fourth thought was, “Man, that’s gross. That dude had sex with a baby monkey. Justice served.”

However to my knowledge, he “instigated” the attack by simply walking on his own terrace to get a breath of fresh air and then out of nowhere it started to rain monkeys and he was engulfed in a firestorm of teeth, tails, and hair. His only option to douse the fiery, furry attack was to fling himself off the balcony to the street below taking a few monkey martyrs with him.

You would think that after losing their deputy mayor to a mob of monkeys, that the city would
reconsider their stance on reincarnation and start baiting the city with poisoned bananas. Nope. The city officials decided the best long-term solution to rid their problem would be to import a small elite force of even larger, more aggressive, carnivorous monkeys to eat the smaller, less-aggressive, non-carnivorous monkeys. Perfect! Finally, a government that isn’t shortsighted. What could possibly go wrong? At first, I was a little worried but I was relieved to discover that the Blackwater Corporation is breeding these mercenary monkeys. Everything will be fine.

Hmmm�

If these tactics do work, perhaps we should use it here to deal with New York City’s plague of rats. In fact, they estimate that there are eight rats for every person that lives in Manhattan. By New Delhi-logic, I guess the best solution to get rid of the rats is to import a dozen rat-eating tigers.

With that same logic, the herpes virus is on the rise again, the Department of Health should unleash the anthrax virus to kill the herpes.

Or better yet�you could kill two birds with one stone and infect the tigers with anthrax.

No more rats. No more herpes. No more problems.

Well…sort of…there would be one caveat: We would eventually have to deal with the anthrax-infected tigers roaming the subways.