P.S.A. for Dating

If you’re going to see a movie, choose wisely.

I was on a first date once and we rented The Accused with Jodie Foster?”

Watching The Accused on the first date will make you more uncomfortable than watching Richard Simmons have sex with Janet Reno while they watch David Koresh have sex with an underage Branch Davidian while he fantasizes about Jodie Foster.

It seemed harmless. She asked, “Do you like Jodie Foster?”

I said, “Yeah. Who doesn’t? Who else is in it?”

“Kelly McGillis.”

“Well, I thought she was pretty hot in Top Gun. What’s it about?”

“I don’t know”, she said. “It says, ‘The first scream was for help. The second was for justice.’ I guess it’s a legal thriller.”

“Sounds great!” I said.

I probably don’t need to say this but NEVER EVER watch The Accused on the first date.

There will be NO coy, thigh-on-thigh “action.” And you can completely forget about the highly arousing ear-whispering that normally takes place, along with the out-dated, “fake yawn that turns into an embrace” will probably end with a face full of mace.

Once the camera zooms onto Jodie Foster being gang-raped on a pinball machine, know that your date
will slowly start to rock her self into a fetal position and start to cry.

How romantic.

After the movie ended, there was no eye contact between us, which was difficult because I still had to drive her home. There’s just something about a movie centered around a girl getting gang-raped on a pinball machine that ends your internal debate about whether to go in for the first kiss when you drop her off.

The only way I was able to pull off the rest of the “date” was to imagine that I was from 1885 and I was escorting a young lady from a funeral.

When we finally got to her house, I tipped my imaginary top hat, waxed the tips of my handlebar mustache, bowed and said,
“Good day, my lady. What a delightful evening?”

Then I rode off into the sunset on my old-time-y, high wheel!