Entries from July 2007 ↓

I need to work on my quads, my legs were used in the documentary Warm Springs about FDR. It was the scene where the nurse was sponging his legs. I’m very famous.

I’m sick of seeing the same formulaic play-on-the team’s name-verbs used to describe how [Team A] beat [Team B].

For example:
Chicago Bulls shot down the Hawks

Orlando Magic tamed the Mavericks

Utah Jazz exterminated the Hornets

Detroit Pistons cooled down the Heat

blah, blah, blah…

Buy a fucking thesaurus or think laterally. Why use the same lame verbs ad nauseum? Why not spice it up a bit?

Here are some better choices:
Chicago White Sox bleached the Red Sox

Boston Red Sox tie-dyed the White Sox

Tampa Bay Buccaneers filleted the Marlins

San Diego Padres molested the Twins

Minnesota Twins prosecuted the Padres

St. Louis Cardinals excommunicated the Padres

Phoenix Suns melted the Nuggets

New York Mets de-winged the Angels

New England Patriots vetoed the Bills

Golden State Warriors de-clawed and neutered the Bobcats

Orlando Magic fossilized the Raptors

Miami Heat dysentery-ed the Trailblazers

More obscure:
Boston Celtics unleashed a Dispel Magic spell on the Magic

Los Angeles Angels Lilliputianized the Giants

Colorado Rockies scurvy-ed the Mariners

LA Lakers hired the Crips and the Bloods to put the “A to the muthafuckin’ K” to the Kings

Seattle Supersonics generated an artificial gravitational field so strong that it created a black hole that sucked away the Suns

New York Yankees embraced Helen Mirren’s portrayal of the Queen and revealed the Royals

If you’re going to see a movie, choose wisely.

I was on a first date once and we rented The Accused with Jodie Foster?”

Watching The Accused on the first date will make you more uncomfortable than watching Richard Simmons have sex with Janet Reno while they watch David Koresh have sex with an underage Branch Davidian while he fantasizes about Jodie Foster.

It seemed harmless. She asked, “Do you like Jodie Foster?”

I said, “Yeah. Who doesn’t? Who else is in it?”

“Kelly McGillis.”

“Well, I thought she was pretty hot in Top Gun. What’s it about?”

“I don’t know”, she said. “It says, ‘The first scream was for help. The second was for justice.’ I guess it’s a legal thriller.”

“Sounds great!” I said.

I probably don’t need to say this but NEVER EVER watch The Accused on the first date.

There will be NO coy, thigh-on-thigh “action.” And you can completely forget about the highly arousing ear-whispering that normally takes place, along with the out-dated, “fake yawn that turns into an embrace” will probably end with a face full of mace.

Once the camera zooms onto Jodie Foster being gang-raped on a pinball machine, know that your date
will slowly start to rock her self into a fetal position and start to cry.

How romantic.

After the movie ended, there was no eye contact between us, which was difficult because I still had to drive her home. There’s just something about a movie centered around a girl getting gang-raped on a pinball machine that ends your internal debate about whether to go in for the first kiss when you drop her off.

The only way I was able to pull off the rest of the “date” was to imagine that I was from 1885 and I was escorting a young lady from a funeral.

When we finally got to her house, I tipped my imaginary top hat, waxed the tips of my handlebar mustache, bowed and said,
“Good day, my lady. What a delightful evening?”

Then I rode off into the sunset on my old-time-y, high wheel!

Click here

Watch 1,500 inmates from a prison in the Philippines perform Thriller:

I guess a 99 point something APR is a deal when you are a former child star.

dem·bitz·i·an (dĕm’ bĭtz’ ĕ’ an) adjective

1. Extremely pretentious especially when speaking of wealth.

2. Making every effort to reveal personal wealth or cost of items.

[That following statement would be described as dembitzian :
"Would anyone like some coffee? It's Kona flown in from Hawaii. It's very expensive."]

—Related forms
dem·bitz·i·an·ly adverb
dem·bitz·ite noun

—Synonyms
1. pompous. 2. douchey. 3. showy. 4. grandiose.

—Etymology
[1999, taken from the surname of Chris Dembitz. Danocrates Allenopolos befriended Mr. Dembitz while residing in Virgina Beach from 1995-2000. It is unknown of the status of their friendship upon the invention of the word dembitzian.]

In defense of Dembitz, he was the first to use the words Dan Allen as a verb. Unfortunately, my name was (and still is) synonymous with being long-winded and being extremely uneconomical with setups to jokes*.

Overheard (circa 1999)
Dembitz to an open-miker:
“Why don’t get to the punch quicker? You’re really Dan Allen-ing that joke.”

slang.
dallen or dallening

*As one road comic put it, “Not a lot of zip. All premises, no punchlines.” (I must note that we were performing at an Italian restaurant in the Catskills. Then he went on stage and puked out the hackiest set that I have every seen. After the show, I heard him arguing with his mother on his jumbotron, larger-than-life, out-dated Nokia phone next to his shitty 85′ Chevrolet Caprice.

He was screaming in a drunken slur, “What? Ma! Just fucking leave the key on the porch for Christ’s sake!”

I beg to differ. Here’s me in my room just doing some light reading. (Pay no heed to the chalkboard with cryptic formulas and poems that I have scribed on my bedroom wall.)

Some people ask, “Why Classical Tibetan?” Well personally, I feel people who learn Modern Tibetan are pussies!

ver·bal bu·kka·ke [vur-buhl boo-ka-kay]:

Verbal bukkake is a group practice that features a person (usually drunk) being verbally abused on by multiple people (usually comedians, cops or drill sergeants).

Example:
The annoying drunk girl in the front row refused to shut-up so the remaining comics were forced to deliver a verbal bukkake upon her.

Origin:
[ July 2007; Pianos Bar, LES, NYC The Whitest Kids U Know Show]

Slang:
ver·bu·kka·ke [vur-boo-ka-kay]