Entries from June 2007 ↓

Pale, Anemic

Extremely vindictive

A pampered princess whose blood that does not clot

Nagging, Grating, Whining

Very maternal

The misery must stop

I prepared a meal laden with garlic


And a dash of resentment

I switched her toothbrush from

Soft bristle to hard

Unaware of my subterfuge

My problem is solved

Laundromat written by Ray Devito and directed by Rob Paravonian

I want to talk about my love/hate relationship with my roommate. He’s a condescending douche bag. I mean that in the nicest possible way since we still live together but obviously our relationship doesn’t matter that much anymore because I’m telling this to the “The Internet”. Here’s the problem: He has an eating disorder that he will not accept. It’s not bulimia. It’s not anorexia. It’s orthorexia, which you’ve probably never heard of. Orthorexia means “the fixation of righteous eating”. Basically, he won’t put anything into his body unless it’s “pure”. Flax seed oil, fresh wheat grass, water buffalo yogurt, bee pollen, bee testicles…essentially whatever sounds weird.

Honestly, I couldn’t care less about what he puts in his mouth. What drives me insane is that he always gives me this “tsk tsk” look when I’m eating anything. I mean I could be eating a unicorn burger. And I know for a fact that he would say,
“Hmmpf…I only eat unicorns hand-fed by virgins. But you eat whatever you want. I’m sure isn’t that bad for you.”

Why would he say something like that? I’ll tell you. He’s a prick. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that by his request, we are not allowed to have petroleum-based cleaning products in our house. Which again is fine. I saw Inconvenient Truth. I get it. But sometimes I find that lavender-scented dish soap doesn’t really do the job.

So I have to hide a secret bottle of 409 under the sink to kill bacteria. I know I’m funding terrorism by buying petroleum-based product. Guilty. I’m part of the problem. I’m sorry, Planet Earth. But I would rather die in an airplane explosion caused by Al-Qaeda than puke to death from salmonella because I was dirty.

I remember one time I came home and I wanted to cook something. Fortunately, Captain Planet was meditating in his room probably to the sounds of whales masturbating or whatever he meditates to. Which was awesome because I was able to eat in peace. He finally came out right after I was done eating and had already cleaned up. He beelined to the oven, sniffed the air, then he made “the face” and said,
“Did you clean something here?”

Here we go but this time I was ready.

“Yeah! It was a salmon burger but don’t worry it was wild caught salmon not farm-raised because we all know farm raised salmon is high in PCB. Is that acceptable?”

I thought that would wipe the smug look off his face but what he said next floored me,
“Oh, I wasn’t worried about what you ate. I was more worried about what you used to clean the counters with. It smells like petroleum-based products?”
“Ri-ight, I decided to risk it and use something a little stronger than orange peels and almond-flavored water.”
“Why? The stuff works.”
“How can something that says ‘Non-Toxic’ kill bacteria. You need toxins to kill! I could drink this and nothing would happen to me.”
“I wouldn’t drink it.”
“Really? I would.”

Then I did the bravest or dumbest thing in my life. I sprayed some into my hand, looked him in the eye and drank it.
I didn’t die and forgot about it. But later that evening at my girlfriend’s apartment, I felt nauseous and had a painful headache . Unaware of my “brave” protest, she became concerned and asked if I could remember what I ate.

“Umm…let me see…I had some yogurt, granola and fruit for breakfast, then a salmon burger for lunch…and…umm…ahh…I drank some kitchen cleaner.”
“You’re an idiot.”

Here’s a little public service announcement from TaoOfDan.com:
If you have to drink kitchen cleaner to prove a point then you’re roommate might be a douche.

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I do not condone the misuse of the wonderful online community (which sounds like “gregslist.com“) established in San Francisco. However, this was a fun exercise in the world of make-believe. A tall, lanky, “friend” posted this on the aforementioned “gregslist“, and below are the actual responses.
*********************************************************

Rent: $1350

Looking for a Male or Female
No Pets
No Drugs (unless prescriptions, alcohol is fine)

A quaint bedroom in a five bedroom luxury townhouse
All the other bedrooms are unoccupied
Den with Fireplace, Library, and Home Theatre w/ Panasonic TH-65PHD7UY 65-IN. Plasma TV and state of the art Bang & Olufsen sound system
Home Office with Apple G5 w/ Flat Screen Monitor and Cable Modem.
(No access to any of these amenities)

Beautiful kitchen with marble floors, stainless steel countertops, and brand new appliances.
(Unfortunately, no cooking will be permitted)

Washer and dryer are located in the apartment. You will be allowed to utilize them, with the understanding, that your duty will be to wash all clothes (mine included) in the laundry room

The suite is very small in comparison to the other enormous, opulent rooms.
Dimensions are 5′x6′. No closets or windows.

Disclosure about myself:
I have a doctorate degree in Philosophy from Cornell

I have a Rottweiler (Sampson). He is my only friend in the world that I love (or trust for that matter)
He wouldn’t hurt a fly, unless someone tried to harm me or his favorite blanket.

I’m an extreme chain-smoker. I’ll deduct $50 off the rent if you agree to pick up a carton of cigarettes every week from Nat Sherman’s (42nd St and 5th Ave)

I’ve had writer’s block for ten years, and just need intelligent conversaations with a person who has original ideas not regurgitated opinions collected from all the books they have read.

If you feel this is the ideal setting for you email me at :
bengold401@hotmail.com

From: someone@aol.com
Sent: Saturday, December 4th, 2004
To: bengold401@hotmail.com
Subject: room

Your place sounds very interesting, I am giving consideration to your wonderful offer to pay $1350 a month to do something (I don’t think live is the right concept) in your closet space of 5′x6′ in between conversational and cigarette fetching duties. You not only have writer’s block, you have humanity block and reality block. Here’s a novel concept for you to consinder - sharing. Why advertise your plasma tv and new kitchen appliances if they can not be used. You sound like an arrogant, acquisitive egotist and feel sorry for the person stupid enough to pay you for this ridiculous arrangement.

(to be cont’d…waiting for more responses)

There is a fairly new (two year old) monorail from Manhattan to JFK called the AirTrain®. Which is great because it cuts the commute time in half.



“Monorail, Monorail,Monorail, Monorail…Can you hear it, Manhattan?!”

Unfortunately, not enough people even know about it. So the Port Authority of NY&NJ have been plastering billboards everywhere. They reads: “AirTrain®. If it was any faster it would be an AirPlane®.”

Personally, I found the advertisement insulting to my intelligence. Which is sad because I’m not that intelligent. Although, I occasionally can fool people into thinking that I am. By American standards, I’m above average, but most Americans are borderline retarded. So that makes me average.

“If it was any faster it would be an AirPlane®.”

No, it wouldn’t. I don’t care if it traveled at the speed of light, it would never transform into an aircraft. The only way that could happen is if the mayor made a deal with the Transformers© to fight terrorists in the guise of mass transit. If this is true, this would extremely inconvenient for travellers.

Buy this

Thank you Internet! I’m back.