Your Skeletons Don’t Even Compare To This Company’s Closet

We have all done something in our lifetime that we are ashamed of and would be mortified if our actions came to light. Be it a night in jail, a transaction with a prostitute or the thousand hours you spent playing Dungeon and Dragons as a teenager. Of course I’m speaking about other people. I’m one of the few people with no skeletons. My closet door is wide open. Please do not to be confused with the closet door of homosexuals. That door is still closed but not closed because I’m a closeted homosexual. It’s just a different door often confused with the closet containing people’s skeletons. In fact, I don’t even know where my sexual closet is located. I live in NYC and I can’t afford a closet. So I guess I’m a eunuch. I can’t wait to be wealthy enough to afford a closet.

But I digress…

The skeleton that I’m speaking about is the closet of the company Degussa that is jammed with the amount of bones it would take to construct a Tyrannosaurus Rex. They were contracted out by the German government to coat the concrete slabs constructed for the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe with an anti-graffiti substance called Protectosil. One small caveat: Degussa is a subsidiary of Degesch, the infamous manufacturer of Zyklon B, the gas used in gas chambers during the Holocaust. Now I have to come clean and say that I’ve fucked up at various jobs throughout my life: As a waiter I dropped a bowl of potato soup into a dude’s dreadlocks and another time I forgot to chain the door of an arcade which was burglarized that evening. But to be “The Guy” who authorized the payment of million dollars to a company that helped kill a million Jews has to be the winner of the “Most Douchiest Douche Award”.