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March 2007

Hallo!

You have no idea how confusing it sounds when the director screams, “Achtung!”, before he yells, “Action!”.

Auf wiedersehen,
Herr Allen

I realize this now as I’m in my hotel room in Berlin. I spent the day shooting a commercial for Volkswagen and I was the only one who can’t speak German. You have no idea how surreal it is to stand in a large stark white room with a lab coat on. Surrounded by Germans [...]

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Backhanded Comment Attempted to be Left on my Blog

himself

Thank you so much for thinking that I’m drowning in debt, dickhead.
If you haven’t already installed Askimet on your website, you are begging spam commenters to infest your site. It’s like wearing cologne in prison.

I love you Askimet!

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What Exacty is a Gigolo?

himself

Some of you (or none of you) have probably been asking yourself, “How is a comedian/blogger with one TV credit, who rides public transportation and has low self-esteem able to jet set around the world like Mary-Kate and Ashley?” I have five words for you, “I think I’m a gigolo”—albeit, a very skinny one who’s [...]

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Producing a Comedy Show in NYC
Producing Tips

There are only a 1,000 comedians living in NYC out of the 8 million people in the five boroughs. That means we each get 8,000 a piece. Personally, I only want 1,000 True Fans.
Why only 1,000? Here’s a quote from Kevin Kelly, the founder of Wired,
A creator, such as an artist, musician, photographer, craftsperson, [...]

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Earthlings (specifically Americans) Are Spoiled
favorites

Raised as fat, capitalistic pigs with intrinsic senses of entitlement, we forget that our problems are insignificant when compared to other citizens of this planet.
I was at LaGuardia Airport last week during the blackout and overheard a hysterical woman speaking to a reporter amongst crying babies and other stranded passengers tearfully cry out, “It’s [...]

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“There’s a New Monorail in Town, Springfield!”
favorites

There is a fairly new (two year old) monorail from Manhattan to JFK called the AirTrain®. Which is great because it cuts the commute time in half.

“Monorail, Monorail,Monorail, Monorail…Can you hear it, Manhattan?!”
Unfortunately, not enough people even know about it. So the Port Authority of NY&NJ have been plastering billboards everywhere. They reads: “AirTrain®. If [...]

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Proper Etiquette of Toothpicking Cheese Cubes 101
favorites

I played basketball today and realized I was extremely hungry. I dipped into Gourmet Garage to buy something to eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, so I roamed aimlessly around until I found something.
Luckily, The cheese department had five platters of cheese cubes with a cup of toothpicks.
Famished, I plucked out a cube [...]

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MoMAudio is Horseshit
favorites

MoMA offers a free audio tour to “help” visitors understand what the artist is trying to express.
While helpful with some, you end up looking like a jackass to those brave souls who ventured forth sans audio guidance as you stare at an untitled canvas painted blue by Yves Klein for five minutes listening to a [...]

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danisms
“Eating an unwashed strawberry is like blowing a Mexican.”
by Danocrates Allenopolos

March 2007

Hallo!

I Don’t Speak German

Backhanded Comment Attempted to be Left on my Blog

What Exacty is a Gigolo?

Recent Posts

Producing a Comedy Show in NYC

Earthlings (specifically Americans) Are Spoiled

“There’s a New Monorail in Town, Springfield!”

Proper Etiquette of Toothpicking Cheese Cubes 101

MoMAudio is Horseshit

danisms