My Roommate is a Certified Lunatic

He’s a health food fascist. If unsaturated fat was Jewish then he would be the Gestapo. I’ve diagnosed him with orthorexia nervosa (the act of self-righteous eating). I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t confess that I’m a “label-reader”. I try to stay away from corn syrup, unbleached enriched wheat, genetically enhanced food, red-7, etc…Perhaps that’s why I only weigh 169 pounds and stand six inches shy of seven feet. Frightening. I occasionally slip but more out of necessity than lack of discipline. If it comes down to eating something bad or passing out then I say eat the plain bagel with butter.

My girlfriend and I decided to pick up some groceries, stay in for the evening and cook a meal. Fortunately, her eating habits are similar to mine. We decided to at least try to eat healthy. So we bought the following ingredients: Ronzoni® Healthy Harvest Whole Wheat Pasta, fresh garlic, fresh spinach, grated Romano, plum tomatoes , Classico® Spicy and Tomato Pesto Sauce and Veggie Ground Round (a ground beef substitute made with soy and wheat protein).



It would provide the calories our body needed without doing too much damage. We like to live on the edge and risked it. So my roommate was leaving for the evening and he politely apologized for leaving his cheese† on the counter and put it in the refrigerator. As he walked by our “death” concoction, his right eyebrow went up and his face contorted as he unsuccessfully tried to conceal his want to grimace with the look of one forced to sit next to a nauseous, smelly homeless person. Due to my unresolved insecurities, I immediately cried out in defense for our faux-beef fare. “Obviously, it’s not ground beef. It’s soy”, I said thinking that would pacify his concerns for our impending doom. Yet when I said the word “soy”, it seemed like I said “nuclear waste”. He shook his head and simply said with sincere sadness and disgust, “eeehhh…Soy. Hmmm…I just read that soy farmers are destroying the rain forest.”

Whew! That was close. I thought my girlfriend and I were going to die because of our horrible diet but it appeared that we were just killing the fragile ecosystem that protects us from global warming. That I can live with—like I said before “we like to live on the edge”.

† organic cultured unpastuerized milk, salt, enzymes

† † I should also mention that other than this “minor” trait he’s a great roommate