Entries from December 2006 ↓

I’ve been stuck in Daytona Beach, Florida visiting my family for the holidays and was dragged to Universal Studios theme park.

I love how they make catastrophic events into “fun”, family rides.

I can’t wait until 2007. They’re coming out with TSUNAMI™

Epcot is working hard to unleash AIDS™ by 2008.

Its an interactive movie where you get to be the virus.

In 2009, KATRINA™ will blow your mind.

Once all the natural disasters are exhausted, look for the wacky and wild
PRINCESS DIANA’s TUNNEL RIDE™.

But forget those mediocre attractions, the one I’m waiting for is the highly anticipated WTC: TERRORIST ATTACK™.

It will open on September 11th, 2011 on the 10 year anniversery. It’s going to be awesome. God Bless America!

Since I have a Treo, it’s very tempting to add the Unlimited Data Plan for $44.99 and have access to the internet 24/7 (Although I’m not sure if that is a blessing since I’m trying to ween off the web). Not to mention that the name of the pre-installed mobile-browser, Blazer, is very misleading. To me “Blazer” implies a speed equivalent to a samurai’s katana strike or the amount of time it takes Microsoft to make a million dollars…nanoseconds. This “Blazer” has the speed of a samurai underwater armed with a butterfly net or the amount of time it takes the Olsen twins to make a million dollars…minutes.

Theoretically, my monthly access charge is only $59 but with all the bells and whistles† (insurance, unlimited text messages, taxes, surcharges and other horse shit hidden fees) it explodes to $92. So the idea of paying $44.99 for a nineteen-ninety-seven-slower-than-dial-up connection does not sound that appealing.

I was quoted .002 cents per kilobyte by a Verizon rep for the Pay-As-You-Go Data Plan. That didn’t sound so bad so I decided to try it out. However, it’s actually .002 dollars per kilobyte††. Big difference. Not only is it a hundred times more expensive than I thought, you also burn up minutes from your total allowable minutes.

The first month I tried it, I rationed myself to extremely brief moments on the infamous World Wide Web to check out my Gmail with the new mobile app Google unleashed and managed to increase by bill by $39 in data usage charges. Fuck! When I say ‘brief’, I’m not exaggerating.

Everytime I hit the ‘Connect’ button on my phone, the theme from Mission Impossible pops into my head and I feel like I’ve initiated the launching sequence that will transform my phone into a thermal detonator.

Unsuspecting citizens will be vaporized because I had to check my email. Once I disconnect, it takes a few minutes to regulate my heart rate and begin breathing normally.

It’s truly not healthy. I’ll be the only douche bag in existence to die of a heart attack due to thriftiness.

† Which is upsetting because I’ve never received one bell or a whistle from Verizon

†† Verizon Reps suck at math: here and here

I just read on CNN that a virgin Komodo dragon named Flora gave birth today. Parthenogenesis is the best word to decribe this “miracle”.

partheno-genesis (pär‘thənōjĕn‘əsĭs)
[Greek,=virgin-birth]

Another parthenogenetic species is the whiptail lizard, these creatures survive with an entirely female population sans males.

This colony of fatherless, Amazonian lizards are able to create life yet retain their virginity.

Every egg that hatches has a possibility of becoming a Messiah.

Jim Morrison, The Lizard King, could not have reigned over these Wonder Women of reptiles.

Found by Karey Dornetto

Stumbled upon by Todd Levin via Adam Felber

Another gem found by Karey Dornetto

Classic video found by Jesse Joyce and Andre DuBouchet

more photos

I became an uncle for the first time a few days ago and was informed that my nephew was 7lbs 12oz and 21 inches (I’m assuming that’s not shabby for a baby). Personally, I was a freakishly large, hairless hobbit at 10lbs and 22 inches. I have always felt bad for my Mom’s physical defects and I’m convinced that my birth is the reason she has a lazy eye and a slight limp.

I have always wondered why all the adults in the world of Peanuts spoke in an undeciperable language and were never seen. Then I connected the dots and realized that all those poor Quasimamas have been horribly disfigured by giving birth to speech impairing, beachball-headed babies. Good grief!

There are points in your life that take decisive action. You have to prioritize tasks every second of the day. Weigh out the pros and cons in mere nanoseconds and react appropriately.

When I dropped my book into the subway tracks, I faced the daunting decision that examined my inner struggle between courage, fear, and frugality.

I was at 59th and Lexington, waiting for the 4 or 5 express train going downtown to Union Square. I had carelessly held the book under my armpit. Normally, the train comes every 6 minutes. Since, it was ten at night, everyone had been waiting for about twenty minutes. I precariously leaned over the tracks to look for the approaching train’s headlight. I could only see a couple rats, dripping water and a few bare light bulbs overhead that aided the transit workers.

Disappointed and exhausted, I quickly retracted backwards and spewed out, “Fuck! What’s taking so long?”

As I said this, my loosely held book slid slowly out and fell down to the tracks below.

This triggered a new series of biochemical reactions that combusted my rage into a nuclear holocaust.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Fortunately, everyone was listening to their iPods and nobody witnessed by childish, prison-like behavior.

My mind divided into three camps: The Miser, The Frat Guy, and The Pussy.

Then I looked up and I realized the iPod people were staring at me.

It looked like a scene from Lord of the Rings with Gollum and Sméagol.

Needless to say, The Pussy won. The irony of this struggle was the book’s title, The Art of Happiness.