Last year, I asked my doctor to test my blood for any STDs that may be secretly destroying my body. He had me fill out some forms, drew my blood, and told me to call him in a week. Unfortunately, the dick didn’t tell me he was going on vacation for two weeks. The receptionist said that I would have to wait until he came back, so that he could talk to me about the results. I felt sick to my stomach and started to playback all my sexual encounters in my head from the last fifteen years. The last five years were easy because I had them stored in my Brain TiVo, but before that it got a little fuzzy. I had to dig deep into my vault of VHS sex tapes housed in my cranium. The tracking was all fucked up and I couldn’t quite make out the faces.
An achingly slow fortnight slid by and I finally was able to speak to Dr. Douche “Just Back From Aruba” Baggins. He didn’t even acknowledge that I had to wait for the results. He simply started the conversation by saying, “Hey, Dan. I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you don’t have herpes, syphilis, or chlamydia but the bad news is…huh…oh, okay…Dan, could you hold on a sec…I have to take this call…thanks.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Good news and some bad news? And he had the audacity to put me on hold? That phone call better be from the President or kidnappers of his only child. You aren’t allowed to start a sentence with that level of intensity and say, “Hey bud, could you hold on a sec?”
As I sat there holding my cell phone to my ear, I began to figure out what I wanted my family to do with my body. If life were measured by an hourglass, the sand would have been replaced with molasses and time oozed by as minutes turned into hours.
Dr. Douche came back and non-chalantly said, “Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, the bad news. The lab dropped one of the samples. We have to reschedule you to come in so we can get another tube of blood. How about Tuesday?”
I truly wish I had a Flux-Capacitor rigged Deloreon so that I could go back in time, have a revolver loaded with blanks, fire it once near the mouth piece and fall to the ground.
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God I hate waiting for STD test results. Even if the chances are so slim for any STDs, it plays such a mind fuck.
Your side bar has all June dates for comedy appearances. Are you on vacation?
Lo siento.
I’ll update it.
I’m performing Sunday at Rififi
Monday the 24th I’ll be at the Drink at Work Show and also at the WSYWYG Show at The Bowery Poetry Club