Entries from July 2006 ↓

Raised as fat, capitalistic pigs with intrinsic senses of entitlement, we forget that our problems are insignificant when compared to other citizens of this planet.

I was at LaGuardia Airport last week during the blackout and overheard a hysterical woman speaking to a reporter amongst crying babies and other stranded passengers tearfully cry out, “It’s like a Third World nation!”

Really?

A Third World nation.

Like Darfur? That kind of Third World nation?

Hmmm…funny I didn’t realize that LaGuardia was that bad off. I was under the impression that once the power came back on, everyone would be able to fly down to see Mickey Mouse in an air conditioned airplane. That doesn’t sound so horrible.

Recently, I was walking home late at night and heard a couple fighting. The man was enraged and was screaming, “I can’t believe you slept with him!”

In their world, her act of infidelity created a nuclear holocaust. I wanted to empathize with the husband but in relation to the grand scale of the universe—Who cares if she slept with another man? So her molecules interacted with another set of molecules instead of his molecules. So what.

I looked up at the sky and looked at the stars. Since I live in Queens, I couldn’t see that many because of the city lights. I reached into my head and remembered how many stars I use to see at night when I grew up in Texas. It seemed like a million holes of light seeping through but in reality a human can only view about 6,000 stars with the naked eye under perfect conditions.

We are but a speck of dust in the outer fringes of the Milky Way Galaxy that is but a grain of sand in the observable Universe.

Sagan claimed that there are billions of billions of stars in our Universe. Each star possibly sustaining several planets, one of which that may contain life. Our world has six billion human beings. So feasibly, each star could create six billion intelligent creatures.

With that said, will the Universe suffer if one individual cheats on another individual? I imagined another couple on the opposite end of the Universe.

(Sirens are screaming at ear-piercing level. People are stampeding by with no sense of direction. A digital marquee sign showing the temperature at 145 degrees.)

MAN:
I can’t believe you slept with him?

WOMAN:
Are you kidding me?

MAN:
What you mean?

WOMAN:
The Sun is about to explode and you are going to bring that up AGAIN??

MAN:
Yeah, I’m going to bring it up.I don’t give a damn if the Sun is going to blow up.

WOMAN:
You are pathetic! It was two years ago. When are you going to stop punishing me? We are going to die! He’s going to die!

MAN:
Was he bigger than me?

WOMAN:
You’re an idiot! We are going to die! He’s going to die! Who cares if he was bigger!

MAN:
HA! So he was bigger, I knew you it! You are such a slu…
(Sun explodes.)

I was in Miami once and I saw a billboard that claimed, “Everytime you see a bus, you have walked by someone with AIDS.”

I will never become a bus driver.

I was at my Jamaican friend’s house and his five year old daughter Cheyenne asked me bluntly, “Why are you so white?”

At first it seemed like an easy question but I quickly realized that I didn’t have an answer and said, “I don’t know.”

To which she replied, “Do you lotion?”

I then said, “No.”

She rolled her eyes knowingly and said, “You should. Mommy puts lotion on me when my elbows get white.”

I nodded and said, “Thanks. Looks like I got a big job ahead of me.”

Biologists have discovered that male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals.

Dr. Frank Riden has theorized that by sleeping upside-down, these flying rodents are over-dosing their brain with oxygenated blood.

He has concluded that too much O₂ leads to homosexuality.

Dr. Riden has tested his OLH Theory with human scuba divers and found divers using pure O₂ rather than trimix tanks had gayer tendencies. This makes sense because the U.S. Census reported that coastal cities which have higher percentage of scuba divers have the highest population of same-sex cohabitating couples.

Photosynthesis is a process that fuels plants by converting carbon dioxide, water and light into energy and releasing O₂ as a byproduct.

According to Dr. Riden, the tropical rainforest is not only sustaining our ecosystem but also our fashion and entertainment industry as well.

Currently, he’s working on a connection with the over abundant appearences of “rainbows” in these over-oxygenated areas.

Last year, I asked my doctor to test my blood for any STDs that may be secretly destroying my body. He had me fill out some forms, drew my blood, and told me to call him in a week. Unfortunately, the dick didn’t tell me he was going on vacation for two weeks. The receptionist said that I would have to wait until he came back, so that he could talk to me about the results. I felt sick to my stomach and started to playback all my sexual encounters in my head from the last fifteen years. The last five years were easy because I had them stored in my Brain TiVo, but before that it got a little fuzzy. I had to dig deep into my vault of VHS sex tapes housed in my cranium. The tracking was all fucked up and I couldn’t quite make out the faces.

An achingly slow fortnight slid by and I finally was able to speak to Dr. Douche “Just Back From Aruba” Baggins. He didn’t even acknowledge that I had to wait for the results. He simply started the conversation by saying, “Hey, Dan. I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you don’t have herpes, syphilis, or chlamydia but the bad news is…huh…oh, okay…Dan, could you hold on a sec…I have to take this call…thanks.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Good news and some bad news? And he had the audacity to put me on hold? That phone call better be from the President or kidnappers of his only child. You aren’t allowed to start a sentence with that level of intensity and say, “Hey bud, could you hold on a sec?”

As I sat there holding my cell phone to my ear, I began to figure out what I wanted my family to do with my body. If life were measured by an hourglass, the sand would have been replaced with molasses and time oozed by as minutes turned into hours.

Dr. Douche came back and non-chalantly said, “Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, the bad news. The lab dropped one of the samples. We have to reschedule you to come in so we can get another tube of blood. How about Tuesday?”

I truly wish I had a Flux-Capacitor rigged Deloreon so that I could go back in time, have a revolver loaded with blanks, fire it once near the mouth piece and fall to the ground.

Why is it so fucking hot? I’m going to get baptized this Sunday to cool down.

If it is, then society has angelicized the word ‘retard’. People feel comfortable laughing and playfully saying, “I’m retarded.” ‘Retard’ has managed to work its way into our everyday venacular. The most common usage involves saying, “I’m (insert any subject) retarded.”

Examples:
I’m mathematically retarded.
(This is only true if you have an additional chromosome)

I’m legally retarded.
(Now does this imply that you don’t know anything about the judicial system or that the government has declared your IQ below average)

WOUNDED SOLDIER #1:
MEDIC!!

MEDIC:
What??

WOUNDED SOLDIER #2:
MEEEEDIC!!

MEDIC:
What the fuck do you want from me?

WOUNDED SOLDIER #1:
MEEEDIC!! Help me!

MEDIC:
I’m trying to shoot people over here for God’s sake. Leave me alone.

It seems my last relationship had a fuzzy start. We both had trouble defining it as a “relationship” in it’s embryonic stage. Similiar to the United States cryptically labeling the Korean War as a “police action”, we couldn’t commit to being in an actual relationship.

We should have seen that as a foreshadow to the imminent demise of our “relationship”. It ended three and half years later. As horrible as the devastation that was created by the Hiroshima bombing, at least it was one, quick, decisive ending. Using the same analogy, ours was a slow withdrawl. We finally reached a “cease fire” aggreement and decided our 39th Parallel would be 14th Street near Union Square.