December 2005

Fairy Tale vs Religion

himself

I don’t know what’s harder to believe. The existence of Santa Claus or that Jesus’s heart pumps Welch’s Grape Juice through his body.

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Zoophilia vs. Bestiality

himself

DEFENSE LAWYER Your honor, my client Mr. Martindale is being charged by the State of Kansas on the charges of bestiality. He is hurt and offended by these slanderous allegations. DISTRICT ATTORNEY Give me a break, your honor! He fucked a pig at a petting zoo! JUDGE Order! Order in the court! If the D.A. [...]

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Potatoes are Multi-Faceted

himself

This “morning” , I ordered my usual breakfast at Hebrew National Deli. Two eggs sunny-side up, home-fried potatoes, whole wheat toast, and a small coffee. I say “morning” because it was around 11:30AM which technically is before noon but it shouldn’t be considered morning. When my meal appeared, I was appalled at what I saw. [...]

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Self Awareness – Part V

himself

They say, “Dancing is a very vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” That’s unfortunate because I don’t dance. I think I’m a eunich.

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People occassionally ask me if my Jewish girlfriend is Ashkenazic or Sephardic.

himself

Fortunately, she’s Sephardic because I have trouble pronouncing Ashkenazic. Someone told me the easiest way to remember how to pronounce is by saying, ‘Ask-a-Nazi’ Then I remembered the guy who told me that was Todd Hitler. Fuck that guy! I’d rather mispronounce it.

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