Entries from November 2005 ↓

The depomumation is the act of throwing someone out of Apple.

Biologists have discovered that male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals.

Dr. Frank Riden has theorized that by sleeping upside-down, these flying rodents are over-dosing their brain with oxygenated blood.

He has concluded that too much O₂ leads to homosexuality.

Dr. Riden has tested his OLH Theory with human scuba divers and found divers using pure O₂ rather than trimix tanks had gayer tendencies. This makes sense because the U.S. Census reported that coastal cities which have higher percentage of scuba divers have the highest population of same-sex cohabitating couples.

Photosynthesis is a process that fuels plants by converting carbon dioxide, water and light into energy and releasing O₂ as a byproduct.

According to Dr. Riden, the tropical rainforest is not only sustaining our ecosystem but also our fashion and entertainment industry as well.

Currently, he’s working on a connection with the over abundant appearences of “rainbows” in these over-oxygenated areas.

The Aztecs considered it a sex stimulant.

Vegans love it for its Omega-3 fatty acids.

Now everytime I’m with a girl that orders an extra order of guacamole, I think, ‘Great. A health-slut.’

Reply to: pers-111897821@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-17, 11:14AM EST

this may sound crazy but why not. you were 25 and telling jokes to prep the audience for the Naomi Judd show while we were waiting. Anyhow it was about a week or two ago on a friday. I was sitting in the corner with my mother who was coughing. I am a white, 32, and figured maybe if you read this would you want to go out on a date. You had a sense of humor which isn’t a very common thing for white guys in New York and you seemed nice. Actually most white guys in New York have a sense of humor only when they are whacked out on drugs and stuff.
this is in or around you were joking about still being in high school but your 25
no

– it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
111897821

I’m extremely volatile and have low-self esteem.

A geologist once described me as a bulimic volcano.

M
mass (m)

A
acceleration (a)

S
displacement/distance (s)

H
height (h)

If Newton’s Second Law states: Force equals mass times acceleration (F=ma),

then
m × a = Force

Displacement and height are lengths. If you multiply two lengths together, you would create a surface area.

s × h = Surface Area

So,

(m × a)(s × h) = Force × Surface area

Force × Surface Area = Pressure

Which is very similar to:

pres·sure
n.
Force applied uniformly over a surface, measured as force per unit of area.

mash
n.
A crushing or grinding

Tasmanian devils have 300 pounds per square inch of bite.

I must remind readers that I was a virgin until I was 21

My niece Madison just turned 3 years old.

This is a big step for toddlers on the long road to maturity.

Everyone is familiar with the final rites of passage to adulthood: discovery of masturbation, a driver’s license, the right to vote, alcohol, loss of virginity (usually in that sequential order), wisdom teeth extraction, lower car insurance, buying furniture that isn’t from IKEA®, and finally throwing away that $20 dorm-style upright halogen light.

However, no one remembers the monumental jump from infant to toddler.

For nine months, you are trapped in your mother’s cocoon. Once pardoned from the solitary confinement of her womb, you then have to endure a 35 month sentence in a caged-environment known as a crib.

Millions of innocent 2 ½ year olds around the world stare listlessly through the bars of their cell.

They have to wait until they’re 3 years olds to be exonerated from their cradles and be allowed to sleep in their own beds.

Well, little Maddie turned 3 and got a twin size bed and new sheets.

The sheets were adorably decorated with a design called KIDPRINTs® which could be described as: a white sheet with a disorganized array of polychromatic, painted handprints of various small children—or Jackson Pollack’s kindergarten project.

She loved them and played patty-cake with the handprints.

Since the sheets were new they were a little itchy. I suggested that we wash them with some Snuggle® fabric softener.

But when I grabbed the sheets in my arms, my pseudo-Spidey-Senses went off. I have a very keen ability of detecting evil. Its aura glowed red in my mind’s eye.

EVIL!

I threw it to the ground as a vampire would a clove of garlic or a vile of holy water. The sheets existence repulsed me. I reviled the very fabric that Madison revered.

My cousin didn’t understand why a freaked out and calmly asked, “Uh…why did you throw it on the ground?”

“Because, it’s Eeeev-all!” I said.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Pick it up!” he yelled.

“I can’t,” I replied.

My cousin screamed, “You are out of your fucking mind!”

As a looked at the crumpled mass of linen, I kept envisioning the factory where it was made. I saw a long conveyer belt with thousands of blank white sheets—empty canvases waiting to be painted. Then I could see the factory workers, a handful of poor, little Malaysian kids standing in front of buckets of paint. Their shift started and the foreman began to bark out, “Faster…faster!”

Then I heard one of the small workers grumble underneath his breath, “Stupid capitalistic pigs, I’ve never even take a shower before!”

I looked at the sheets again and saw some of the handprints were missing fingers and one little guy actually was able to scrawl out, ‘H-e-l-p-m-e.’

Against my cousin’s wishes, I ran outside with the sheets and burned them.

Just because Nike, Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee condones child slavery that doesn’t make it right.

Mormons and bees both practice polygamy.

However, Mormons live in male-centric, polygynous communities and bees live in female-centric, polyandric colonies.

Joseph Smith, The Mormon Prophet, wanted to hide this biological fact from their women-folk: Animals could successfully survive with this gender arrangement.

So he took the liberty and carefully amended the Book of Revelations in the Book of Mormons.

He ‘found and replaced’ the word, locusts with the word bees and refered to Satan as the Queen Bee. The word honey was replaced by Satan’s slime or Lucifer’s blood.

I guess he was a genius, because his prophecy of killer bees has come true.

FUN FACT:
Winnie the Pooh is not a Mormon. He’s a Pooh.

I think A.A. Milne was an anti-Semite.
“Poohs love honey,” sounds a lot like “Jews love money.”

Having the theory of intelligent design(ID) implemented beside Darwin’s Theory of Evolution into the Kansas school curriculum was a huge victory for Christian Fundamentalists. Not wanting to lose their momentum, they have begun campaigning against the Pentagon.

This fiery, five-sided, paganistic polygon has been the official symbol for Satan since the birth of mankind. If they succeed,future Department of Divine Defense officials will make their decisions in a new, twelve-sided building called the Dodecagon in shape of a cross.

“Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaitra les siens.”
-Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux,during the Fourth Crusade, outside the fortified city of Beziers in July,1209

Which translates to,”Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth them that are His.”

or

“Kill’em all, let God sort ‘em out!” in Marine talk

Someone left an anonymous comment about my thoughts on society’s demonization of the word, “Mexican”.

I guess he thinks I’m a narrow-minded asshole.

Please read my entry and his comments and you decide for yourselves.

Click here
Mexican