October 2005

Polysexuals

himself

When I look at porn online, I find myself watching a girl having sex with six other guys. I don’t know why this turns me on, but in some sick, perverted way it does. I have to ask myself, “Am I a closeted misogynist?” Personally, I’d never want to be in that situation because I [...]

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Roche Creates Drug to Combat the Avian Flu

himself

The pharmaceutical company Hoffman-La Roche Inc. has created TAMIFLU (oseltamivir phosphate), a drug designed to combat the ominous Avian Flu which originated in Asia and has become a global threat. Employees of Roche can’t wait to comeback to the U.S. after their mandated relocation to Mexico in the early 1990’s. The FDA had put a [...]

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I always spoon with a girl that I make love with…

himself

…unless she has an abnormally large ass. Then we have to ladle. ♫Oh, ladle, ladle, ladle This is how we lay And when she’s round and ready Then, ladle will we lay♫

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Friendly’s® Happy Ending Sundae

himself

When I was in Virginia, I drove by a Friendly’s® restaurant and noticed that the marquee claimed, “Free Happy Ending Sundae with Every Entree”. My Uncle Ed was in the Marines and had told me as a teenager that happy endings was code word for oral pleasure at a massage parlor. The temptation was too [...]

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Never Text Someone When You’re Angry

himself

My ex-girlfriend called me and left an annoying voice mail. Without thinking, I retaliated back by texting, “You define the word bitch” (SEND) I make about 50 text messages a day with my T9 WORD software, so my thumbs punched out the word B-I-T-C-H by memory—2-4-8-2-4 (SEND) The next day I felt bad about my [...]

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